Accepting.

Today, I have sat here and puttered around a bit while Grandma Audrey took the kiddos to Rachel's house and Rachel came here to clean, grocery shop, and pick up lunch. All while Kimberly came and dropped off supper for us.
With the onslaught of kindness, love, serving, and food being brought upon me (and my little family), it's been considerably hard to ask for help, but even harder to ACCEPT the help.

I've come to realize there is a big difference between accepting help and TRULY ACCEPTING HELP. I feel that truly accepting help means laying your pride and guilt at the door. TRULY accepting help is simply being thankful, knowing that there are zero expectations or strings attached to the offers of love. I have had a hard time feeling like I should be puking every moment of someone being here. Or that I should feel worse asking someone to wipe a fridge, when I am standing there showing them the rags and fridge. Nausea is a constant companion, as is exhaustion, but it doesn't feel like enough of a reason to be asking for help. God has been really working on my heart during this pregnancy. I didn't think another baby would be His vessel to deal with my pride and guilt (usually those two working in tandem), but it is--and there will probably be another vessel another time to deal with them again. See, I think...I think that accepting help isn't because you deserve it--either with how horrible you feel or don't feel. Accepting help is God asking you to be a Mary. Many of us know the Bible story, the one so many Bible studies are based on, "Being a Mary in a Martha World", that sort of thing. For those of you that don't here's a recap. Mary and Martha were sisters, close friends of Jesus, who were preparing for His arrival. Martha kept working while Mary just went to sit with her Friend and Savior. Martha was unhappy doing everything herself and was essentially upset at Mary. Jesus gently rebuked Martha, telling her that only ONE thing was TRULY needed, and that Mary had chosen the better choice. I think, on some levels, we are all "Martha's" and feel like we NEED to be "Mary's". Someday, I desperately want to know how Mary and Martha truly were. I don't see Mary as being uncaring and unhelpful, but rather, beautifully distracted by the inane and constant responsibilities of this world, to bask in the restfulness and peace that her Friend offered. In just the same manner, I don't see Martha as a task master, nor necessarily as someone who wanted everything done just right, but rather, something done to perfection for HER Friend as well. I have often thought of Martha and Mary and who they truly were. I think both trying to please their friend, the best way they knew how. Which leads me back to this current aspect of my life. I've taken on the role of doing everything, getting everything ready, and what not, simply because I have to, and even, on some level WANT to. I love providing meals and cleanliness for our home for our family. I may not like doing it, but I love the end result. I love doing my best for my family. I think, I have been too caught up in it for so long now. I think that God has been trying to lay on my heart to ask and accept help because HE has me and my family provided for. More importantly, He has HIS family provided for. For so long, I felt like a Martha, working behind the scenes, offering my best, while trying to not hold onto any grumbling. And all the while, He has been trying to teach me to be a Mary. There is a season to be a Martha, and there is a season to be a Mary. We can offer our best, and still need to remember what is most important. So, here's to choosing to be a Mary right now--or at least who I envision her to truly be. I think of Mary at just being so amazed and restful in Jesus's presence, that all else faded away. Not because she was unaware of anything to do, not because she was immature and didn't want to help, and not because she was shirking responsibilities, but because everything else had grown strangely dim when she entered His presence. There will be a time to be a Martha, and to choose to give my best behind the scenes, and to do menial tasks, making sure everything is taken care of for people who are here. But for now, I have got to learn to be a Mary and just sit at my Lord's feet and trust Him that everything will be taken care of. And maybe, just maybe, in this season of sickness and busyness, God's wanting me to come sit by Him, and maybe, just maybe, He wants my company too...

Barren Wasteland, Abundant Harvest.

A friend texted me today about how having kids has been easy, yet she would never say those words to someone struggling with infertility. We then chatted about how each side has its own hardships.

You see friends, I have been in the barren wasteland of motherhood. Not nearly as long as others, but also much longer than I ever thought would be. I have 3 babies whom I will not know what they look like until I reach the wonderful presence of my Savior in Heaven. 3 babies that sit on the Utmost's lap, instead of my own. Those days, weeks, months, and even years were debilitating for me. Heart-wrenching. The amount of yearning and longing cannot be put into words, nor put into some sense of measurement. Bitterness, anger, frustration, faithlessness, and hopelessness lay in wait of every day for me. By the grace of God, before we had our first child, many of those were dealt with, some were not.

Fast forward to now. I have a 3 year old, 2 year old, 1 year old, and another baby on the way. That's right. Our family will have upgraded from 3 under 3, to 4, 4 and under. I sit many days and reflect over the last few years. Not only the blessings wrought from each baby, but also...the hardships. 

When our first (Addie) was born, we were ecstatic. She was really quite a hard baby for the first few months, and although feelings of frustration and even anger came to the surface often, they were held in check by the 3 miscarriages and 2 years of infertility prior to her. For she was HERE, in MY arms, every crying and screaming fit seemed mostly dull in comparison and I was THANKFUL, ever so thankful for her.

Five months after she was born, I remember finding out that I was pregnant again! I was...shocked? Happy? Scared? Honestly, I was mostly just bewildered. The day before we found out, my husband said "You know, we could have another one and I'd be fine." The day we DID find out his response was, "Okay, when I said we could have another one, I didn't mean right NOW!". It was kind of funny, but after Addie, we had opted to not do anything contraception wise because of how difficult it was to have her here, in our arms. So, we knew this was a possibility, but we were also surprised. Clara was born late December, and we were so happy and relieved to have another baby here, safe and sound. Sadly, I did nothing to prepare us as a family (outside of making meals) for having 2 under 2 (Addie was just over a year old), and realistically, other than simply teaching Addie to wait for things for me to help her with, there wasn't much I could have done. Recovery with Clara was hard. Looking back, I did have a mild case of postpartum depression. I wasn't happy she was here. Some days I looked at her and didn't want her here. The amount of heartbreak and guilt at that admission was staggering. I tried to do normal stuff, be normal, but there was a chunk of my emotions that were so off, coupled with adrenal fatigue that left me...weary. She was admitted to the hospital when she was just over ten weeks old for RSV and truly, that experience was harrowing. RSV is extremely treatable, but having my young daughter be in there for over 5 days made me really come face to face with what was happening to me. Many long hours were spent praying and trying to regain the same love I had when Addie was born. Thankfully, shortly thereafter, it was restored. I even found a size up of Clara's coming home outfit as kind of a second chance for me and her.

Three weeks after the RSV hospital stay with Clara, we found out we were pregnant AGAIN! I will be honest. Staring at the test, the first thought that went through my mind was an unsavory phrase. I was kind of in shock and denial for a few days (maybe weeks, I can't really remember). I didn't quite know what to do other than to pray ridiculously hard against the battle of post partum depression when this baby came. Other than making our kids wait, and do the normal baby prep things, I didn't do much. Being in baby mode for 3 years didn't really require much work on this end. By the time Ezekiel came into our arms, it was a HUGE relief (a 9 pound, 9 oz baby delivered without an epidural will do that to do, trust me). Recovery was easy. I was happy he was here. Sure things were busy and scary and overwhelming, but there was not an OUNCE of resentment. Ezekiel's pregnancy and birth were difficult on my body, and my husband and I were really hoping to not have any more biological kids, and to adopt instead.

We started the adoption process, a few months ago, only to find out that we were pregnant again. I cried. I honestly did. I didn't WANT to be pregnant again. I wanted another baby, but not this way. The first weeks of this pregnancy have been difficult to muddle through. Not only realizing how fickle I am, but also how my definition of "trust" had to be redefined and brought alongside with what God's word says it is as well. Spiritually, it was difficult for me because I didn't think that God would ask this of me again--but He did. It was difficult to wrap my head around being pregnant again. I was just getting to the point of being at the health and size I wanted to be. I finally felt that I had my thyroid diet under control. This was going to be the year I did stuff with my kids for FUN. It seemed in a moment, every one of those selfish thoughts were asked to be given into the palms of His hands. On top of all the physical ailments, fears of how my thyroid would affect this baby, emotional guilt, this has been very hard.

You see friends, I have been through the barren wasteland of motherhood, but I have also been through the abundant harvest of motherhood. Neither one is without their own challenges, their own aches, their own frustrations, or their own longings. Both aspects of the vastly different sides are equally challenging in wildly different aspects. I would never brag about how easy it has been to have kids after our bout of death and infertility. Nor would I tell a mom who has so many kids that it's better than having none. Like many things in life, there is a delicate balance.

You see, while I have been in what my husband and I call "The Baby Season", I have had some pretty...hard thoughts. A constant companion of mine has been guilt. When it was in the barren season, guilt over being bitter and angry consumed me. During the 3 under 3 years, it was guilt over those who wanted children and couldn't. I felt so undeserving--especially since many of my thoughts were not in line with children being a gift. Now, guilt is my companion with not being able to do what a mom and a wife should do. Guilt follows me when I lay down and when someone brings us lunch, supper, runs errands, or cleans my home for me. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.

I want to encourage you moms--whatever season you are in. The ONLY thing I have learned, is that the only thing we can do is CLING to God--and I do mean CLING. Grasp for Him. Hold onto Him. He can take the heartache and pain and create from it beauty and life. He can take the resentment and bitterness and make it into thankfulness and peace. he can take the depression and make it joyful. He can take the overwhelmed and exhaustion, and make it restful. He can even take the guilt and make it blissful innocence. Whatever your shackles, whatever your binds, cling to God in them and He can create so much more than you could ever imagine.

I still struggle. I still fail. And like I said, guilt is my constant companion. I feel unworthy of people loving us and providing for us. Please don't feel like this. There is a beautiful network integrated into the body of Christ, people hearing God's call and helping whenever or wherever they can. Tap into it, for whatever your needs are, big or small. I have seen God just love on us through people and I am nothing short of humbled, completely and overwhelmingly humbled. So peace, mama, peace. He's got you whether you are in the barren wasteland of miscarriages and infertility, and He has what you need in what might seem to be the never-ending harvest of motherhood. Lay down your pride, trust Him and watch yourself be humbled and amazed at how He takes care of you. 

Trust Him.

As many of you know, we are now expecting our fourth little hobbit. Many have asked me how I am feeling about it.

I'll be honest. I am resenting being pregnant. I am so THRILLED to be adding a new baby to our little fold, so do NOT get me wrong. Pregnancy, for me is anything but easy. This pregnancy is shaping up to be the same.

For one, my morning sickness is extremely severe with this lil' hobbit. I am talking about once an hour I heave for a good 5-10 minutes, and I at least throw up 3-4 times a day.  Plus headaches  and terrible terrifying dreams that keep me awake (two symptoms I have had with all three pregnancies). This is hard physically.

Because of this, I have become little more than just a person laying on the couch. This means my house is a mess, food rests (mostly) squarely on Simeon's shoulders, and my kids are divided between levels of the house so we can "divide and conquer". Protein and Back Alley Sourdough is about all I can stomach most days, and like the last 6 pregnancies I have had, nothing helps. I more than not feel like a worthless mom, wife, homemaker...everything. Many things I had hoped for this coming year are coming to/have come to a screeching halt. Trips planned, goals hoped for--pretty much done. Not because we CAN'T do them, but because we don't know if we will be ABLE to do them. This is hard emotionally. 

I recently found out that my thyroid issues could cause some major complications in pregnancy, including premature birth, preeclampsia, miscarriage, postpartum hemorrhage, anemia and placental abruption. This scares me and the guilt of this happening and me being responsible/irresponsible is overwhelming. My levels need to be at TSH .4 and they are at .04. That is a big difference. (Also, is a reason for my severe morning sickness). My doctor is great and will be monitoring my levels, and although I would love to deal with this naturally, time constraints do not really allow for that sort of experimentation. On top of realizing how fickle I am ("I want babies!"; "I don't want anymore!"), and my wrong view of trusting God, the guilt and spiritual strain is quickly becoming overwhelming. I feel as if I put all of my trust in His hands, but subconsciously/inherently think that because 100% of it is in His hands, that He won't really "test" (this is not the right word, but it's the only one I can think of at the moment) me on that trust.

Now, again, don't get me wrong. I am not trying to whine, nor am I unthankful for this baby, and by oh golly do Simeon and I want another one. I can't tell you how many times we both look at all three of our kids and say "wait...who's missing?" only to realize that no one was (until now of course). We certainly weren't thinking/hoping that this was the course that God had for us, as we were actively pursuing adoption (again). Again, this was where I have had to come face to face with how I define "trusting God".

All this being said, Simeon and I would dearly covet your prayers for a healthy pregnancy and baby. Encouragement for a seemingly failing mom and wife. As well as names for house cleaners and even possibly a babysitter available during the day that could come to our home while I am here. Thank you for understanding this and reading this. I try to be vulnerable, but sometimes come out whiny. 

To the Woman...

To the woman who is waiting on a child to call her own someday:
Draw as close to your Savior and Creator as possible. Motherhood is no joke. You will need the strength of that relationship, the one you cultivated with a broken heart, the one you lovingly and faithfully tended, the one you faltered and failed in, to raise your children. That relationship, that fortitude, that faithfulness, will help you mother your children--no mater how they come to be yours. Be joyous in time with your husband. Enjoy eachother. Do things you never thought you would do. Do not make him feel like he isn't enough--because even though he isn't, neither is a child. Only God will do. This time is aching, heart breaking, and suffocating. There may be moments of lightness, only for emotions to cave in on you, going through the cycle of "hope" and "hopelessness each and every month. I get it. I understand.

To the woman who just had a baby:
Love your baby, but love God more. You will feel overwhelmed. You will probably feel like a failure. You may feel like God has entrusted you with this new life, and you are anything but prepared, or even good enough for it. God will carry you through. I am not going to tell you to cherish these moments, because these moments are hard. The exhaustion. The feedings. The diapers. The rinse and repeat. The crying for seemingly no reason. The feeling that you are ill equipped. You are NOT. You are equipped for THIS child--God chose YOU to be this child's mother, and for good reason. This child needed YOU. 

To the woman who feels guilty:
Right now, you may be looking down at this new life and wondering why you aren't happy they are here. You may feel nothingness, or worse yet, guilt. You may feel like you can't do this, but you have to because you are, after all, this child's mother. You may be battling constant feelings of darkness, and wondering why in the world you cannot seem to shake it. Do not succumb to the temptation to do nothing. You WILL get through this. Do not succumb to the temptation to keep it to yourself. You WILL get through this. Motherhood is hard, but feeling like you don't want to be a mother even though you are, is even harder. Trust that God will carry you through this, maybe through a friend, maybe through a counselor. Speak what is happening out loud. There is freedom in honesty. It may be a long road to find the joy, BUT YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS--I know this because we have an everlasting Father who does not deal in guilt. He deals in joy. Let Him (and others) help you. 

To the woman of multiple littles:
This is hard, isn't it? I promise that it will continue being hard until one day...it's a little bit easier. Then another day, it's even easier than the one before. During this time, you may need to learn the art of saying "no" and the art of asking "please?". These are important. Do not let your feelings of  being overwhelmed, nor pridefulness get in your way. As believers, we are there to help each other. The art of saying "no" does not mean you will never do anything every again--it means, that maybe, just for now, your family comes first--that's okay. Better to be raising sharp arrows than to be too busy to sharpen them. Asking for help does not indicate weakness. It indicates strength. Many follow pride, for that is not difficult. However, those who humble themselves are wise indeed. As you go through this time, remember your children are learning, watching. What do you want to teach them? How to not ask for help? How to always be busy? Or how to value time and each other? How to value humility and asking. Asking will create a heart of understanding and giving for when you are out of this time, or even when there are breaks in this time of motherhood. Trust the Father, and trust His truth. 

And Lastly

To the woman who has had to say goodbye to her child/children:
I am so sorry. There are no words that can solve, soothe, or cure your aching heart. There is nothing that will help, but for a short time. Time will help, but the problem with time is that it seemingly takes so long to help. Another child may help, but they are not a replacement. Ultimately, rest assured that God will carry you through even this. Even when your legs may fail and your steps falter, yes, He will carry you through even this. There is no burden too great for Him to carry. No grief too large for Him to grieve with you. Know this. THIS was NOT His plan! He may use it for the betterment of you and others, but this, in no way, was a part of HIS PLAN. Rest in Him. Be still in Him. Don't try to impress others with a face a "deep faith" that does not get shaken (although, if it isn't, that's good). Don't try to rush your grief. Like your child's DNA is unique to them and them alone, so is your grief to you. You will never be done grieving, you may even, at some time feel guilty for being happy, for forgetting about them, but don't. Just like death isn't in our Creator's plan, nor is guilt for this reason. May you find freedom and joy in our Lord, regardless of your circumstances. 

*I know that this doesn't pertain to everyone, but if there is something that I have learned from my married life it's these themes. I am no great wordsmith, nor am I extremely wise--I do after all, have quite a bit more learning to do. I do wish, however, that had I known and been gently given these words, I might have known that someone was with me. Standing with me. Knew what I was going through. Vocalized what I was going through. I do not want to be silent, because silence can create isolation, and we are not beings who need perfection from other struggling beings. We are beings who need encouragement, love, laughter, exhortation, and above all--fellowship. This doesn't mean "go to church and sit and listen" it means carrying each other's burdens and carrying their joys. So...that's what I am aiming to do I guess.*

Mother's Day

Facebook is my nemesis on holidays--namely Mother's Day. While others are praising their own mothers for all the loving and beneficial things they can remember the woman who gave them life, doing for them, I am left searching, trying, to find good memories of my own mom. Trying to work up the gracious courage to call and wish her a Happy Mother's Day because it is something important to her that blesses her.

While husbands are praising their wives, publically, for all the things their beloved does for their family, I have a husband who seemingly forgets that I exist---especially on Mother's Day. (This is not to say that my husband is a bad man, nor doesn't do anything, but he simply just doesn't think that way and I am still struggling with living with the fact that he does. Not wrong, just different. Hurtful different, but different.)

It used to be that Facebook was my eternal nemesis on Mother's Day because it mocked me. All the women who gave birth or adopted other children into their families were praised, and I was alone. Barren. 

Now, I am alone. Prolific. 

It's a deep hurt. One that goes so far below the surface that I am not sure how to handle it. I am foolish enough to continue to allow it to mock me. I look at it, and rather than feeling...encouraged by all those who have (and continue) to go before me, I feel alone. Worthless. Wholly inadequate. It affects me no matter how many layers of masks I put on. Any small mistake, any small upset, becomes monumental. Mole hills become mountains. 

I wish I could rest in what the Bible says about me. I wish I could fully believe and grasp and be affected by what God thinks of me. But years of lies spring to my mind on Mother's Day (even more so than regular days). Years of blame, come to rest on my shoulders. Years of "you're unloveable", "we didn't want you", "it's your fault we don't have the finances", and being called every cuss word under the sun repeatedly ring in my ears, repeatedly, on Mother's Day. 

This is an extremely "woe is me post" and I recognize that, I truly do. I want to enlighten you to the fact, that on Mother's Day, not everyone has a great Mother's Day. To be honest, not being celebrated by my husband makes me feel like a failure. Satan has a great stronghold on me for this holiday, and I hate it, loathe it, despise it--right now, both the particular chink in my armor and the day itself.

Next Mother's Day, as you are being celebrated and loved, or are loving, please extend some of that love to someone who may not have it. To someone who you might know doesn't have a great relationship with their parents. To a woman who might not have a super emotionally engaged husband, because you never know that your words of encouragement might be just what they need. And if you can't find or think of anyone else you know, I will greedily take any encouragement you might have to offer, because Lord knows, I could use it. 

The Hard

It's hard being motherless. 
It's hard being a mother. 
It's hard desiring a child, with no end to waiting in sight. 
It's hard having a child. 
It's hard wishing for messes from little ones to clean up. 
It's hard cleaning up messes as soon as you've just cleaned. 
It's hard wanting a baby to rock and cuddle with. 
It's hard having a baby that only wants to be rocked and cuddled with.
It's hard seeing your Facebook feed inundated with baby announcements. 
It's hard seeing your Facebook feed inundated by adventurous couples. 
It's hard wanting to help someone as they have a sick child. 
It's hard being that someone who has a sick child.
It's hard passing by baby clothing and wanting to buy, but not having a reason to. 
It's hard finding deals/hand-me-downs for children that fit in your budget.
It's hard seeing pictures of babies, messy with food, and you wishing for that. 
It's hard cooking for your children, and all they do is fight it. 
It's hard feeling so alone and lonely inside. 
It's hard feeling like you never have a moment to yourself. 
It's hard to want your body to change with life inside it. 
It's hard to get your body to change once life is outside it. 
It's hard researching all the reasons why you're not pregnant. 
It's hard realizing all the reasons you no longer want to be pregnant. 
It's hard to deal with the guilt from not being supportive of your pregnant friend. 
It's hard to deal with the guilt of not wanting to be a mother. 
It's hard to stay in God's word when it seems His promises do not apply to you. 
It's hard to stay in God's word when you feel like there's no quiet time to be with Him. 
It's hard to want to be with your husband because he doesn't understand the desire. 
It's hard to FIND TIME to be with your husband. 


Mothers...It. Is. Hard. It's all hard. Both spectrums, completely different, completely hard. One is not greater than the other. They are different.

I can say with utmost authority, that we CANNOT downplay eachother's times of "hard". We cannot diminish someone's current "hard" by comparing it to their previous "hard". We cannot say superficial phrases to pacify someone's current struggles with their "hard". 

Friends, we have got to carry each other's burdens. We have got to exhort. We have got to encourage. If we just say something so cliche to just....acknowledge that we heard them...what are we doing?!

Women who've gone through the burdens and struggles of young motherhood--I am speaking to you. 

Friends of the women who cannot seem to get pregnant, yet so desperately desire motherhood--I am speaking to you. 

Mothers of young children, who are walking this path--I am speaking to you. 

EVERYTHING we do, will help shape the mothers of today--the children they are mothering. THAT IS THE GREATEST burden!!! If all we can say is "It's just a season" or "But do you remember before?', how are we encouraging each other. How are we directing each other to Christ. How are we carrying each other's burdens to the best of our ability? Have we become so busy and infatuated with ourselves that we forget that there are serious hurts in someone's path of infertility? Deep doubts in the young mothers trying to raise their children? Vast canyons of overwhelmedness in the woman's spirit? 

As someone who dealt with less infertility and miscarriages than others, I ask that you please remember those women as you speak. Be thoughtful in your words. Be kind in your dealings. Be courteous in your actions.

 As a young mother, I ask that you listen to us young mothers. Be gracious in your compliments. Be thoughtful in your suggestions. Be generous with your time. Be abundant with your encouragement. Be reminded of your own journey through motherhood and do not downplay it. Yes it is a season, but with your help, it can be a springtime of seasons, rather than a winter. 

And everyone. Please remember the hard. The hard is hard. We do not have the authority to compare the hard, but we do have the ability to help the hard. 

 "Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." Galatians 6:2

*** I only wrote what I have personally dealt with. I know there is so much other hard than what I have experienced. We ought to still carry the commands of Christ in our heart and carry each other's burdens. Just as many hands make light work, many hands make a heavy burden light.*** 

He Is The Great Father.

It's been months since I have written anything. Partially due to busyness that just so happens to be life, and partially due to fear. I am fearful of writing something that someone just shouldn't write. I am fearful of being criticized for some parts of motherhood that I was unprepared for. Dirty, messy, sticky, and dark parts. 

I want to start of by saying that I love my daughters. Both of them. Dearly. Nothing can change that.

But there's an awful part to being a mother that I was NOT prepared for. After having Addie, I was over the moon and thrilled and joyful. Even on the hardest days, I remembered what the pain was to NOT have her, and that kept me going.

Clara...Clara is a different story. When I found out I was pregnant only 5 months after giving birth I was so overwhelmed an thankful! A prayer not yet prayed, was answered. As the pregnancy progressed I was sad to miss out on so much with Addie, due to that ever persistent morning sickness. The pregnancy wore on me, emotionally and physically. I think I was happy. I think I was excited. I wasn't too worried about life with 2 under 2 though.

Fast forward to December 23, when our sweet Clara Grace was born! My first reaction was relief. She was here. She was safe. She was a she! I was prayerful (and asked others as well) to be in prayer for a baby that was able to nurse well, because pumping again seemed pretty difficult with a 14 month old running around and needing me. Again, another prayer answered!

Amidst all this joy and thankfulness, by the second week after bringing her home, I started feeling lost, adrift..drowning. Clara couldn't handle my let down and started throwing up every time I nursed her, but would take a bottle better, even then it was inconsistent of when she would projectile or not. By the second week, something was off. I wasn't happy that she was here. I felt awful. By the second week, I started second guessing everything that is within me on what it means to be "mother". By the second week, I was lamenting that I was again, missing out on so much time with Adelaide. By the second week...I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me.

Perhaps there's denial, but I honestly don't think it's post partum depression. I think life is hard. I think anytime new life is added to a family, it gets harder. It doesn't matter if it's 2 under 2, 3 under 3, 1 child, 14 children, or children spaced exactly how you want them. You will, in fact, be the busiest you've ever known you can be no matter what season of life you are in. 

Fast forward to now. 8 weeks in; 2 months.  I'm starting to pack away Clara's newborn outfits (well, actually pass them on to her cousin instead) and I am lamenting. I wish I could tell you that things have gotten better between this little extension of her father and I, but alas, they have not. I still feel like I am shortchanging her. I still feel burdened by her instead of joyous for having her. And passing on those little newborn outfits reminds me of what I am missing out on. 

And this, this my friends is where I am fearful. Every child is a gift from the Lord. I know that this is a season. I know that I do love her. But guys, I am just not ready for her, and that makes me feel like the worst mother in the world. I feel guilty that we have been blessed with 2 girls after having a struggle with even having one and knowing others are in the midst of yearning and grief. 

Perhaps it is depression, perhaps it's hormones, perhaps it's simply just the devil finding a weak chink in my armor and exploiting it. Whatever it is, I don't know how to get out of it. I don't know how to be different.

So, why am I writing this? Why am I being vulnerable? For camaraderie, for solidarity, and for prayer. I am writing this so that if you are a mother who is feeling the same way, we are out there. I don't believe this is something to be ashamed of. I do, however, believe it is something that needs to be vocalized.  So I am asking for help. Of which kind, I really don't know. I just know I need it. 

Psalms 29:11 "The Lord gives His people strength. The Lord blesses them with peace." 

Psalms 34:6 "In my desperation I prayed, and the Lord listened; He saved me from all of my troubles."

He Works

Recently, I have been on this MAJOR cloth diapering kick because I love GroVia's hybrid system soo very much. So much in fact, that I am now an advocate for them (eek!). As I was thinking about how to "sell" parents on cloth diapers, I resist putting too much on Facebook--because that is an annoyance of mine, products instead of people.

Will the GroVia system work for every person who wants to try out cloth diapering? Heaven's no. But I have a secret for you. There is not one oil that works all the time for everybody. There is not one vitamin that everyone is in need of. There is not one drink that will solve everyone's health problems. There is not one facial that will be attainable for everyone. As I was sitting here thinking of all of the businesses on Facebook, I am encouraged that people are making money and loving what they are selling! I am encouraged that my friends are encouraged.

However, as I go into this new "venture", there is something that is weighing heavily on my heart. Will I try to sell more diapers than I will try to sell Jesus?

You see, we have ONE savior that does work for everyone. We have ONE God who can cure issues of the heart.

So here's my goal as I start educating people about cloth diapers:

To do it with the Glory of God in mind. To do it honestly. To compare products unbiasedly against each other. To care more about the people than my sales--I would rather just have them know it's a possibility and an attainable one at that. To be gracious, loving and kind in talking with people. To be thoughtful of their financial situation. To let love, more than money, do the talking.

There is not one product on this earth that works for everyone, but there is one Heavenly Father who does.


*Shameful Plug* If anyone is interested in cloth diapering, having a cloth diapering class, or anything like that, feel free to contact me. 

He Holds

There are so many thoughts that run through my mind after I cuddle Adelaide to sleep. Prayers, worship, lists of things to do, what will I have for supper, ect. It is a never ending rotation of thoughts. In the overwhelmingness of thinking, truth always shines through. 

As I hold my dear daughter against my chest and feel her body melt into mine, as I see the rise and fall of her body, as I hear her breathing become the same rhythm as my heartbeat, and as I feel her small arm slide down mine in her sleep, one thing becomes joyfully clear. I am her mother.

Holding her like this, calming her down, and just simply feeling her melting into me has got to be the best feeling in the world. I cannot be convinced otherwise, until something else comes along. As she relaxes, so do I, thinking about things above and not on things here. 

Just as I am Addie's Mother, her comforter, so is my Abba Father to me. 

How often do I hold my little dear's hand to guide her to peace? How often do I hold her body close to mine? How often do I whisper songs of truth in her ear? How often do I simply just hug her because she needs it? And how often do I hold her, simply in awe of the perfection of the moment. 

How often do I miss my Heavenly Father doing that for me? I need comfort. I need peace. I need truth, and encouragement! If I run out of these from the Father, how will I lead my precious Adelaide to Him? How will I learn to be still and be in awe of the moment with God?

So, I will continue to rock my darling girl while she is holding onto my hand, because all the while, I am holding onto His. 

He is Far Sighted

Lately, Addie’s nights have been proving to be exceptionally hard to lay her down. I often don’t know what to do to try to calm her down. I don’t know how many things I should try. I don’t know if I should just leave her be to soothe herself. I usually just swing by the seat of my pants. Almost every night ends in me cuddling her to sleep after she has finally wore herself down. Last night, I started crying in defeat. Then, I started singing to her, and as her tiny arm slid down mine in her exhaustion whilst falling asleep, my tears of defeat changed to tears of thankfulness. For less than one year ago, was I not mourning for our children in heaven? One year ago, I was battling infertility and the spiritual battles that came along side it. Last night I realized just how short sighted I was in the realm of my God. How impatient I am in the things that I want, and just how strongly I feel not only defeat, and sadness, but joy and thankfulness as well. 

I am thankful for my years of difficulty, because they have made becoming a mother, the difficult parts so much more bearable and enjoyable. Yes, I still get defeated and frustrated, but the thoughts of my years of darkness are never far from my mind. There are some dim aspects of motherhood that I was not prepared for, but they pale in comparison to the void of darkness from years past. So, again, I am finding myself being thankful for the opportunity to have this crying, nay, screaming babe in my arms. I am thankful for not knowing what to do, because it means she is here. It means my little promise from God is here, in my arms, entrusted to me. I may not be joyful in every situation that Addie girl throws my way, but I am most certainly thankful, because without the grace of God, I could be crying for entirely different reasons right now. 

A year can change everything. A moment can change everything. This was a moment that changed my heart attitude. These nights are hard and puzzling, but who knows what I will remember in a year from now. Perhaps I will need to be reminded once again, how everything has a season and just how those seasons of difficulty will all come to an end for those of us that know Christ. He is far sighted, where I am near sighted. 

A Long Post About Baby Stuff and Budgets. (0-3 months)

I have been wanting to write this for awhile now. A list of what budgets to NOT be surprised by and what products I really liked and thought were worth it.

Budgets Surprises:

Food/Eating Out: 
I tried REALLY hard to not have cravings. I even instigated a 3 day rule...if I didn't want it after 3 days, it wasn't a craving, just a whim. That being said, I didn't really have too many cravings, but I did have things that sounded good and didn't sound good and that would change daily. Also, around weeks 9-12 I was so doggone tired that I HATED cooking. All I wanted to do was sleep. There were also a couple of times where I would make supper (something that sounded good), take one bite and gag.
Bottom line: make your food and eating out budget flexible. Maybe you won't have that issue, but maybe you will.

Medical:
Obviously, this is a no brainer. I was in so much contact with our insurance agency, they probably got tired of me. That being said, our OBGYN office did not contact us until 5 weeks before our due date with telling me how much we would need to pay within 30 days of our daughter's birth. Luckily, we have medical savings, luckily we were saving some every month, and luckily they realized that they should have gotten to us much sooner.
Bottom line: Be in contact with your hospital, OBGYN, and insurance agency to know what you will need to pay, what your deductible is, what counts towards it. We were able to pay for Addie's birth in full, but if we had not had an emergency fund and savings (a la Dave Ramsey), there would have been a slightly bitter taste in our mouth with payments.

Clothing:
Being pregnant at least 2 other times before, I had scoured the internet (mostly Old Navy and Target) for maternity clothing deals. I found some great ones and really, I could have not needed to buy anything. That being said, my upper body did not fit into the ideal baby doll or empire waist type shirts and dresses that I had gotten previously. So many cute things went unused. By the second trimester, I could no longer wear either my regular pre-pregnancy clothes as the norm, nor a plethora of maternity clothes I had in my stash. I had to buy all new items, which really stunk, budget wise, and something I was not expecting to have happen.
Bottom line: If you are searching for deals, stay away from empire waisted things until you KNOW how they will fit you. Also, do try to make your normal shirts last as long as possible (splurge on jeans and shorts, especially in the summer). Most maxi dresses will work too.

Honestly, by the time we found out we were pregnant, we started saving $150/month to spend on baby supplies. You would be surprised at how fast everything adds up--even with baby showers! Even after baby, you find things that you don't even know you needed, but you do. Keep setting aside that money!


Favorite Products (0-3 months)

For Mom:
* Medela breast pump-- I wanted to nurse Addie. Surprise, surprise when she couldn't nurse due to our anatomies not matching up. Luckily, I had contacted my insurance and talked with my doctor about a prescription for a breast pump and it was fully covered with a prescription. I was also able to pick it up before Addie was born, so imagine my relief coming home, that I didn't have to worry about getting one right away, since I already had it. Even if you can nurse baby, this is a great thing to have on hand, and you don't always know what your body will do or what your baby will do. Always contact insurance first.

* Nursing shawl/cover-- This was also an item I purchased before Addie was born, in hopes that I would be nursing. As stated above, I am not able to, but when I excuse myself for pumping when we are around others it is nice to have something to cover myself with in case a little girl walks on in. Plus, who knows, maybe our next child will be entirely different.

* Feeding products (lanolin, milk bags, soothies, breastpads, and therapearls)-- I liked having these all on hand. I barely used the soothies, lanolin, and therapearls, but am glad that I invested in them before giving birth, that way I didn't have to run to WalMart. Fun story too, WalMart doesn't always have these things in stock.

* Pumping accessories-- Hands free pumping bra (if you have to pump and can't nurse, invest in this. Just trust me). Pumping bag. Ebay has some for $25 or less, but they are really nice those first months if you need to pump and you still want to go places.

* Boba or Moby wrap/baby carrier-- I bought a boba wrap at a consignment store for $10. It was worth it. I have only used it a couple of times, but it was so helpful and honestly quite comfortable to wear with her for hours at a time.

* Rocker/Recliner-- I recommend a reclining rocker over a glider any day of the week. There'll be a couple of nights where you will need to snuggle with your little one, and having something that you can both put your feet up and lean back, so that you can catch some zzz's is overall better in my opinion than a glider. That being said, not all parents NEED a glider, or even a rocker. Many parents snuggle on the couch or on the bed and have great success and comfort with those options. I wanted our bed to not be the go to. I also didn't want to sleep on the couch for those nights since my husband wakes up and gets ready to go at 6 am some mornings. The reclining rocker in the nursery was just the ticket for us and our lifestyle. Also, whatever you do, really think about getting leather/bonded leather. Like I said, Addie spit up a lot, and let me tell you--wiping it off of the chair was way easier than trying to clean our microsuede sofa.


For Baby:

* Rocker/sleeper/bassinet-- There are two kinds of rocker sleepers that I like. One was the Fisher Price rocker sleeper for baby and the other was the Tiny Love 3-in-1. We borrowed the Fisher Price one for traveling since it folds up and since Addie hated her carseat. For day to day use though, we used the Tiny Love. I opted to ask for this one for the baby shower since it had a greater pound limit and since I didn't know how long we would be using it for. The first month and a half she was in our room right next to our bed in this and it was great. Now it is in the basement for the times that both Simeon and I are downstairs, and it keeps her pretty well occupied!

* Nose Frida--buy here We were recommended this by some friends. Boy, it's a little hard to get over the thought of sucking out boogers with your mouth, but honestly, do I love it. We have not used the snot sucker that came home with us from the hospital because this one just works so much better.

*Multiple bottles to try-- We were lucky in the fact that we had 4 different bottles on hand for Addie to try since she was bottle fed. She also spit up generous amounts...a lot, so finding a bottle that reduced that was nice. Try finding them at garage sales, from friends to borrow, anything like that to save money before you settle on one and buy a certain brand. All babies are different and you just have to find what works for them. (We ended up settling on Dr. Brown bottles, and like them a lot)

* NUK pacifier-- We got this brand paci in the hospital and Addie took to it right away. Foolishly, we bought another brand because of the dreaded "nipple confusion" (which didn't matter anyways AND I am pretty sure it is a pretty minimal problem). She hated them. So back to the store we went, and bought more NUK's. Really, just treat pacis like bottles, have the two different kinds to try, but don't worry about buying them. If they take to the one in the hospital, just stick with that one. They'll figure it out.

* Bottle Cleaning supplies-- When you add up pumping and bottle feeding, that's a lot of bottles to keep clean. You have a bunch to clean by hand and for that we like the OXO bottle brush (buy it here). We started out with bottle brushes that have the foam on the end and it got destroyed within a month of use with the narrow bottle openings. We've had the OXO  one for over 2 months and it's still in great condition. Also, at first we didn't buy a grass drying rack (like this one here, but we found an off brand at TJMaxx for cheaps), but boy is it nice. We used a towel first and lots of tipped over bottles and making a mess. This grass one holds all the bottles and pump parts upright and makes it much easier to move if I need the counter space. Lastly, I would recommend a dishwasher basket. Again, we bought the OXO brand because it made sense. It takes up some space in the dishwasher, but it is nice to have a place to clean all of the nipples, lids, spouts, straws and pump parts in the dishwasher at the end of the day (buy it here) and have a break from cleaning. Bottom line: If you are pumping and bottle feeding, invest in a good bottle brush that's all bristles, a grass type drying rack, and a good sized dishwasher basket.

*Essential Oils-- I like Young Living for my essential oil stash. I chose to mainly have Lavender, Peace and Calming, Thieves and DiGize oils on hand. I love them. There's a lot of other useful oils to use for babies, but these 4 are my top choices so far. Lavender is nice for diffusing in her room, as well as curing her cradle cap. I like using Peace and Calming on the back of her neck when she's freaking out. Even if it doesn't work for Addie, when I am trying to calm her down and I smell the Peace and Calming, I have noticed that I have much more patience with her. Thieves is perfect for anti bac purposes, and she has yet to get sick because of preemptive applications of this on her feet (as well as being breastfed). DiGize is a life saver, not only for her, but for us as well. It is quite possibly the most effective oil we own (as in every time we've used it, it has helped one of our tummies). Sometimes, she has trouble pooping or has gassiness that she can't get out. On her feet it goes and within 5 minutes of application, spit up, poop, a burp, or gas happens and she calms right down.

* Activity Mat-- I really struggled with this purchase, after all it was one more thing to buy for her, but am I glad I did. She loves looking at her treetop friends (here) and jabbering with them.  I also needed it sooner than I thought I would. You could probably borrow one, but I fell in love with that one and figured it didn't take up too much space so I caved.

* Baby bath-- Just make sure you get a simple one that grows with baby. I know that sounds funny, but there are just so many options out there, that it gets confusing. This is the one we ended up getting from WalMart and we like it. It is just a bath after all.

* Blankets/Burp Cloths-- Make sure you have these on hand. I don't mean the heavy great big blankets either. I mean simple flannel blankets. We also just bought gerber prefolds  for burp rags. In those early weeks, Addie spit up a lot. So having many of both of those on hand was what got us through the days. Even if you don't use them that much, it isn't a bad idea to have them on hand.

* Cozy Cover-- for the winter months is a must. Or something along those lines.

* Cloth Diapers-- I opted to try out cloth diapers, and fell in love with the GroVia Hybrid system. I won't write a huge spiel here, but let me know if you are interested in them and I can tell you my experience and what I like and purchased from them. Also, cloth diapering isn't for everyone, and for those of you that like disposable, I would suggest Luv's diapers (at WalMart). They are the most economical that I have found (even though I hate the strong powder smell).

* Baby monitor-- Just find one that you like. There are lots of good brands. We actually have 2 kinds, since one was given as a Christmas gift. The first one we have, we bought since it has 2 parent monitors that are rechargeable. This is nice because we can keep one in the basement and have one in our bedroom and not worry about carrying it all over with us. Also, once it starts getting nicer outside, it will be nice to have it outside without the cord. The second one we received was a video monitor. Normally, I wouldn't say that the video is necessary, but we really enjoy using it. It is nice to see if she is waking up before she gets really upset. Primarily, I liked it because we had her sleeping on her tummy pretty early on, so not having to go in and check on her so often (new mom) to make sure she was still breathing during her naps. This one is also rechargeable which is nice, and we ended up putting it in the living room, so now, we have zero need to carry around any monitor, unless we go outside. Score!


There you have it. That's my list of things that I have found that has actually made our life work smoothly. No matter what you decide to get or not get, I will say this. Make sure all of your big things are gender neutral. Carseat, activity mat, ect. You want to reuse and save money, not spend it all on adorable baby stuff. Buy used clothes at garage sales, or thrift stores, or even borrow them.

He is a Father

There are a few things I have learned from being a new mom. Changing, feeding, managing time, and some of Addie's cries are a few things that come to mind. Want to know what I have learned the most though? Patience. Want to know what I am learning the most of? Patience.

For anyone who knows me, I am not a patient person. In fact "slow to anger" does not describe me at all. I am working on it--I have been for the last 4 years in earnest, so now I am much slower to anger, but there are those things that still rile me up quite quickly.

So, the one thing I have learned about being a mom is that it simply takes patience to adjust to a new way of life. When we first brought our daughter home, I was over the moon. I looked at her and was floored that I am her mother. I sat in disbelief and awe. Sometimes, I still do. There's another side of this that I was not expecting. The very first day she cried all day and would barely calm down, I felt like the worst mother in the world. She just cried and cried. That insecurity drove me very quickly to frustration. That frustration built and built and built. Addie was on the changing table and I remember staring at the ceiling and just screaming out, "I know I am a terrible mother, okay?!". Truly, I know that I am not a terrible mother, but not being able to calm your little one certainly makes one feel as such--especially when someone is new to the whole "mom" thing.

2 1/2 months into her life, I feel like I finally have somewhat of a clue. There is a new normal and my patience is higher. However, just because I have a higher tolerance level, does not mean that it will not be continued to be tested. In such a short time of becoming a mother, one thing has become almost painfully clear to me. Just how patient with me is my God, my Heavenly Father?

I throw tantrums when I don't get my way. I cry out in emotional pain and don't stop. I am clingy and needy. I am insecure and cry out to Him constantly. Yet...He sits there, taking it all, being slow to anger, and loving me just the same. As a mother, I pray that this aspect of my Lord is one that I can exhibit to my daughter. My love will never be enough for her, but I pray that my love and patience is what will help urge her into a relationship with our Father. I pray that in all circumstances, she grows up seeing a direct reflection of the characteristics of God.

As I was thinking about the past month, I was thinking about what products I would recommend to have. Reading blogs is just so confusing. I wish there were a pretty good list, and babies are so different to know what to get! In future posts, I will be giving my opinions on what to get for going to the hospital, 1-3 months, 4-6 months, 7-9 months, and 10-12 months. I will try for it to make as much sense as possible, with some flexibility.

He Allows Growth

As I was putting away clean laundry today, I realized that Addie no longer fits into most newborn clothes. I packed them away and wondered if I was really sad about her growing and I came to the conclusion that I am not. Her growth means that as a parent, I am doing something right. I get to see her grow, learn and absorb the world around her. I get to see her smiles, and her personality develop. Last year my verse was "Be still and know that I am God." I choose to be still in the growth of my daughter. I am not sad for the times of growth, nor am I anxiously awaiting her TO grow. I am being joyful in each stage of her life, right where she is. I rejoice in knowing that she is growing.

I hope that I can keep this focus. I believe that it will translate into other areas of her life. I pray that with this attitude, she realizes that she is fine just where she is. She doesn't have to grow up and please me. She doesn't have to stay little to please me. She has to learn and grow at her pace, her time, and in the way God created her to. I pray that if I keep this focus, she grows confident in where God has her.

Bottom line, I pray that she understands the meaning of "Being Still". I pray that as a mother, I can be patient and not force her to grow up or expect things of her before she is ready to achieve them. I pray that as she reaches and achieves and learns that I am there, cheering her on, encouraging her to the point that she can be confident enough to do virtually anything. I pray that I neither hold her back, nor push her before she is ready.

So, I guess that "being still" is still kind of my phrase for yet another year. It pairs perfectly with "peace in every situation" phrase I have chosen for this year. As she grows and learns, I pray that I allow God to create a spirit of learning in my own heart.

He is New

It is 12:26 am on New Year's Day. The first New Year's Simeon and I have stayed up for in at least three years (the irony of staying up the first year we have a newborn and going to bed early the other three years without one is not lost on me). I am sitting at home, hoping for a reflective spirit of the year behind and of the year ahead, whilst my wonderful husband is retrieving my forgotten phone from our friends's house...again.

Aside from the Times Square celebration playing on the TV, there was no cheering for 2015, no special kiss at midnight, no confetti. This evening, there were friends and families gathered, games played, and conversations shared. 2015 isn't really a new beginning, there's no clean slate, things that happened December 31, 2014, are still going to happen January 1, 2015 (with the exception of messing up checks).

There is always a spirit of new-ness when the new year rings in, though. Why do we crave the resolutions, the new, the clean, the refreshed? We crave Him. We crave the newness of life, the cleanliness, and the refreshment that only He, our Savior and Lord can provide. We celebrate His birth on December 25th every year, but the real joyous occasion, is that we can taste, enjoy and receive the new-ness He has to offer every day of the year.

So this year, let your old bad habits become clean. Let your good habits that have fallen to the wayside become renewed. Sure, go ahead and make that New Year's Resolution. But let Christ make you clean, let God create in you a new heart, and let the Holy Spirit continue to refresh you, because that, is what I am hoping for in the year 2015--that He continues the good work in me, and that I allow it.

Every year, I find a verse that I seem to speak as my own over the year, one I cling to when I desperately need it. Last year, was a simple "Be still and know that I am your God." This year, is seems to be a little hackneyed since I used it on our Christmas 'card' and our New Year's card,  but it is my prayer for the year ahead---I think we will need quite a bit o' peace after all.

Happy New Year, and may it be blessed, indeed!

"Now may the Lord of peace himself give you his peace at all times and in every situation. The Lord be with you all."

2 Thessalonians 3:16 

His Cost is Greater

Thanksgiving is tomorrow! Where has the time gone?! As I was sitting here, I had what I was most thankful for. Isn't it obvious? Of course it is our little Adelaide Joy. However, then I got to thinking why I was thankful for her. There's the obvious reasons--ones that you have all heard and gone through with us along the way. Then I thought about the cost of having Addie--and just how brilliant the cost was.

You see, having her cost me so much in life--so very much. 

She cost me my bitterness. 

She cost me my selfishness,

She cost me my sorrow.

She cost me my fear.

She cost me my hopelessness.

She cost me my anger.

She cost me my self-inflicted loneliness. 

She cost me my empty arms. 

She cost me my unblemished stomach. 

She cost me time with my husband. 

She cost me my time to myself. 

Having her has cost me, and will continue to cost me these things, and my friends. I am glad. 

She cost me my bitterness, and replaced it with sweetness. 

She cost me selfishness, and it gave way to selflessness. 

She cost me my sorrow, and it blossomed to joy.

She cost my my fear, and it died to courageousness. 

She cost me my hopelessness, and it turned to believing. 

She cost me my anger, and it melted away to peace.

She cost me my loneliness, and created togetherness. 

She cost me my empty arms, and constantly made them full. 

She cost my my unblemished stomach and instead I have a permanent reminder of God's faithfulness.
She cost me time with Simeon, and changed it to time as a family.
She cost me time to myself and created time for reflection on God's goodness.

She will continue to "cost" me, test me, and teach me, Some of the "costs" will be hard to accept, some of them will be hard to let go of. I would be lying if I said that having her hasn't made my life easier with less reason for bitterness and anger, God has done more than give me her, in His mercy, He has freed me from so many internal struggles of mine. Oh, they will rear their ugly heads, but when I look at Addie, there will no longer be doubts of God's personalized goodness towards me. So I will take on every sleepless night, every bewildering crying fit, every dirty diaper, and every bit of spit up, because when I look at Addie, I see a promise kept, a truth revealed, and love demonstrated, and I know that it is well with my soul,

When I see the "costs" of Addie, I think of what it cost our Heavenly Father to place Jesus Christ on the cross. To allow it. For that reason, I am even more eternally grateful, and pray with all my might, that Adelaide will one day understand the cost of the Father for her. His cost is so much greater than my own.




* This post was started the day before Thanksgiving, but because of Addie and a family filled weekend, it was not finished until today.

He is Compassionate

So, this is a hard post for me write. It's about this pregnancy and what I have seen through it--and that makes it hard, because I guarantee you that parts of it will come across as complaining and whining, even though that is not my intent, and in saying some of the things, I will feel guilty.

Through this pregnancy, I have tried really hard not to complain. I have probably failed at it--a lot. The weight gain, the stretch marks, the sweating, the peeing, the hormones--all of those things I have taken in stride. However, there are a couple of things that have really bothered me, physically, and emotionally.

 Physically, one of the changes have been hard because nothing seems to fit me properly. I have had to spend money on top of money just to have something that fits, is comfortable, and looks like I am not trying to squeeze into something that's half my size. It's hard because it makes it harder to be modest...loose fitting things, have become tight. Things that should go up, instead come down. People notice--men notice. I feel guilty, but also at this point apathetic. It makes my upper back hurt because of how fast it has changed and my back muscles can't keep up with that growth. This isn't a vanity thing.

The other issue are my hips. They hurt. Not when I am walking around throughout the day, but at night, or anytime I lay down to sleep. It's not uncommon to have one hour where I am awake 3 times within that hour. I consistently get 4 hours of sleep, and that is on a good night. Naps are hard too...because it isn't just at nighttime. It's anytime my body is horizontal. Sharp shooting pain drives through my hips and nothing works to alleviate it. I don't complain about this because it's there, I complain about it because I am TRYING to deal with it (and I have been since early on in the second trimester). I am trying solutions that will work. Even my OB and Chiropractor are at a loss for what I should do. I get adjusted at least twice a month, if not more. I go to a massage therapist (although, I forgot to make an appointment, and keep forgetting because it's new to me). Tylenol lasts for such a little time, and pumping my body full of it makes me cringe with fear. If I sit up after laying down, my hip pops--and it is painful. It's not a relief thing, because it goes right back to the pain. I can't control it. I wake up crying and in tears--partially from pain, but mainly because there is so little time I have been able to sleep that I can't properly deal with my emotions.

Why am I telling you this? Simply because when I have told others this, a majority of responses (not all), are not kind. I am writing this to remind you mommas of all the pains and hardships you had in your pregnancies. I am not a naturally sympathetic person when it comes to there being a solution for an issue, that is not being approached. (For example, if one were to complain about being thirsty and doing nothing about it when they are able to.)

Anyways, here's my urge to you all from one extremely physically and emotionally exhausted expecting mother. Be kind. Be compassionate. Be encouraging. Be thoughtful. Be sincere. I have heard the phrases "This is what you've prayed for.", "Oh, but it will be so worth it..."Just you wait until...(fill in the blank)", "But this child is such a blessing...", "It doesn't get any better, so you might as well get used to it now.", and countless other phrases that are similar. I get why these things are being said. I do. They all make sense. However, they all make me feel even worse. I know this is what I prayed for, and I am soooo thankful for it. I am excited by it, anxious for it, exceedingly in awe of this child! This pregnancy is already a blessing, this child IS a blessing--a promise fulfilled and every time I think of how merciful and kind God has been, I am moved to tears. I AGREE with you on these things!!! But it isn't what is needed. Hearing those thoughts make me feel guilty for even thinking about how hard this is--especially the fact that this IS what I prayed for. Does that mean I am not allowed to be in pain? Would you have sympathy for someone who broke their leg in a car accident that wasn't their fault?

The other phrases "Just you wait until...", "It doesn't get any better...", and other things like that make it so hard as well. Where is the hope for better days? I get that motherhood is hard, I really do. I know that right now, I cannot grasp what all that means, and that will have to come at another time, but where is encouragement? Shouldn't we be edifying one another? Honestly, without having the rest I even need to get by, and being so exhausted, emotions have more power over me than I would like. Fear comes in like a monster, fears that really have no place in being there, but are now bigger and badder simply because I am tired.

I beseech you, to be you to be kind. I am aware that I more than likely wasn't kind or showed the same compassion with you that I am asking for now, and for that I apologize. If this is how you felt when you had tried talking to me, I now understand. Yes, I was bitter and thought that "well they have such a blessing, what do they have to complain about?!" and I was selfish. I hate that this is what it has taken me to have that shortcoming so blatantly obvious, and I feel awful that I was not compassionate. Again, I have tried hard not to complain about other things and instead tried to have an attitude of thankfulness for weight gain, and stretch marks, and not shaving any more (which that last one, REALLY is a reason to be thankful!).  Those things affect my vanity though, not my physical well being. I am asking for some empathy, encouragement, and compassion instead of the typical comments. I am looking forward to giving birth and letting every single issue I had fade away into the background of the precious new life. But please, right now, be kind. Be kind to Simeon as well, because he hears most of it simply because I don't know who I can talk to about this without feeling guilty. He feels helpless that he can do nothing to help the pain of either my emotions or my body right now.

Through this pregnancy, I can honestly say that after this, I want to be the mom that is understanding of another pregnant mom's pains and issues. It isn't just the physical pain. But physical pain, coupled with physical and emotional exhaustion, makes way for emotions from the enemy to take hold. Let's be kind. Let's be understanding. I hope that this is not a rude post, or a justification for complaining. Simply a post that enlightens how much more one could have to deal with than just the body changes. So much more. Let's bind together in the light and love of Christ, and allow others to hurt, and allow them to not feel guilty for hurting---emotionally, physically, spiritually, and under any circumstance.

Trees of Life

Recently, I shared pictures of our nearly completed nursery on Facebook. There were many comments and "likes" on the project, but I wanted to share just one more thing (or a few) about this room.

It started over 3 years ago, with a free crib, and a new house. We knew what room was to be the nursery...the smallest one. It was painted purple. After 1 supposedly "Light coral" color that ended up looking like a peachy pink, it was changed to brown. After a while, the brown was too dark, but didn't need to be changed, because we were still waiting for that special time of actually being pregnant and not just dreaming about it.

Fast forward 6 months, that happened--then "un-happened" on Christmas Day of 2011. Unsure is the word best used to describe that time. We didn't know we had even been pregnant, so finding out that we had more than likely gone through a miscarriage was...shocking? But it set even a deeper desire to begin a family.

Fast forward 3 months...we found out we were expecting yet again, on the day we went to see Tim Hawkins in Lincoln no less. There were many reasons to smile that night. 2 months later, we lost that child as well. This time, it was crushing.

After that, time seemed to drag on. I remember repainting the nursery for what would be the last and final time. Not because we were expecting, but because I wanted something tangible to do--I called it "operating on faith". It seemed to pay off in a sense because no more than a few months later, we found out that we were indeed expecting...yet again! 3 months later, devastation.

The following year went by and I could not bring myself to go into the room to work on it. If I wasn't watching girls (since toys were primarily in that room), the door remained shut. The door to both the nursery and my hope was closed.

Finally, after a year or more  of prayer, we felt being led to adoption. In January of 2014, we stopped trying so hard for a child, and felt confident in our hearts to give another child a home--and not just because we couldn't have any at the time. We resigned our dream, and began another one. Imagine my surprise when that month, I had my first cycle that I had on my own in over a year (something that I had been able to manage with diet and exercise before that just wasn't yielding results this time). And again a month later, when Simeon was gone, and I found out that God was indeed faithful.

I didn't work on the room for a long time. Yes I was excited, but there was so much fear--why bother opening up my heart again, if in a matter of a few weeks, it could very well be crushed again.

This room, this nursery, if you will, is so much more than a room to me. It is so much more than a baby's room, or a nursery, or even a cute room for a child.

This room is hope deferred, but not lost.
This room is preparation when it seemed there was nothing to prepare for.
This room is faithfulness amidst faithlessness.
This room is a labor of love, when there was much bitterness in my heart.
This room is what reminds me of who God is.
This room is what reminds me that "Never once have we ever walked alone"

The trees mean something different in this room. For years, I wondered if I would ever feel a baby kicking inside of me. If my stomach would grow and swell. If Simeon would be a father to his own children. If he would be able to have the expression of awe at feeling baby kick. I dreamed of the day he would first see his first child. For years, hope was deferred. For years it made my heart sick. There are still some longings that have yet to be fulfilled, but there are so many that already have been. Those trees in there, that I painted simply because I liked them and because they went with owls, mean so much more. Those, are trees of life in there, and pretty soon there will be another life in there to enjoy them.

 

 "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but longing fulfilled is a tree of life."

Proverbs 13:12

Many hurts along the way, but a song that will be forever close to my heart, that I have referenced before in this blog, has been Matt Redman's "Never Once". In  my opinion, the lyrics speak for themselves, and need no explanation. 

"Scars and struggles on the way

But with joy our hearts can say

Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone

Never once did You leave us on our own

You are faithful, God, You are faithful"

Matt Redman, Never Once

He is Still, and Always Moving

It has been quite awhile since I have jotted down anything on this blog--or anywhere for that matter. We've been so busy! Getting carpet cleaned out, painting, getting ready for new doors, trim, and flooring is such a lot of work!

I am officially 29 1/2 weeks pregnant, in my third trimester. First off, let's just have a shout of joy and prayer of gratitude to the magnanimous proportions of God's grace...yes?! Something that's funny is that I am making lists upon lists upon lists. I kid you not "What to do Before Baby, What to Buy Before Baby, Packing for the Hospital, Diaper Bag Organization, What to Clean Before Baby, and Freezer Meals Before Baby" are all lists currently being crossed off...slowly but surely. Amidst all of these lists, I find myself freaking out and feeling prepared at the same time. Yes, I may be overdoing it, yes, these lists wont contain everything, and yes, I will freak out when, and after our baby Berns shows their face! Simeon, bless his heart, has told me many times, that we will be fine and to calm down. He's right, I know he's right--but I want to be prepared. I want to enjoy this process of pregnancy, birth, and the arrival of our boy or girl as much as possible, and I feel like if we will be unprepared, then I won't be able to do that. Having a child is hard right?

This week, during all of my crazy hare-brained schemes to finish flooring and all the details that come with it, I was thinking about how Psalm 46:10 says

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;

    I will be exalted among the nations,

    I will be exalted in the earth.”

It  really got me to thinking about a direct correlation between having too many concerns, worries, and thoughts, and God being glorified. Am I, with all my lists, inhibiting the exaltation of my Father to be displayed? It's almost as if the Holy Spirit is saying to me:

"Be still, Kristen. Be still. I am Your God! Not this child, not your preparation. I designed you to know what to do. I created you for motherhood. Be still, let others know that I am God. Do not worry. Let me be exalted through this season. I am moving for you, be still with me."

It is such a hard thing to let go of. Oh, I still have my lists, but will I let them consume me? No. Will we be fine if we don't get everything done? Yes. I must remember to not let the thoughts of my mind hinder the thoughts of my God. So that's my perspective. Not deep, probably pretty wordy, and not overly erudite.

I daresay that I will never find a good segue into pregnancy updates!

You know your pregnant when:

1. Shaving up to your knees is a blessed thing....and your husband should consider himself a lucky man when that happens.
2. You, the person who never really sweat in sauna, are now constantly feeling that glistening sheen everywhere (and people think you are glowing....scoff)
3. The Fed Ex guy looks at you weird because you have been receiving so many packages lately (Hey, it's not MY fault they don't ship everything in the order altogether....)
4. The baby kicks and kicks and kicks, unless you want them to then they don't....
5. You get about 3 hours of good sleep a night...after that, you turn all Russel (from Up); "My knees hurt, my elbow hurts, I gotta pee"
6. You figure out that living in Hastings, NE, does nothing for your wardrobe options....
7. You start finding out just how long Zulily actually takes to ship to you.
8. Birthing classes are a whole new adventure of hilarity--and you sure don't mind retelling the story!
9. You mentally kick yourself in your ever expanding backside for doing a flooring project in your third trimester!!!
10. *Looks at clock, realizes it's an hour and a half since you last ate, then this happens* (Props to whomever gets the reference)