If God...

If God can use a perfect woman, 
Who ate from the forbidden tree, 
Who took a bite and then influenced Adam,
Who then became ashamed of her body....
...If God can use Eve, HE can use me.

If God can use a mocking woman, 
Who didn't believe she'd have a son, 
One who laughed when given a promise, 
Who then lied to God about laughing...
...If God can use Sarah, HE can use me.

If Gods can use a deceptive woman,
Who pretended to be a harlot, 
One who skillfully deceived Judah, 
In order to have sons for him...
...If God can use Tamar, HE can use me.

If God can use a seductive woman, 
One who had hid the Israelite spies, 
One who helped 2 men escape the city, 
Who lived because of her faith in God...
...If God can use Rahab, HE can use me.

If God can use a Moabite woman, 
Who remained loyal to her mother-in-law, 
One who knew nothing of Naomi's customs, 
Who slept at the feet of an unknown man...
...If God can use Ruth, HE can use me.

If God can use a beautiful woman, 
Who caused a king of Israel to stumble, 
Who had a child with him outside of God's Will, 
Who bore a son to David, when her husband died...
...If God can use Bathsheba, HE can use me.

If God can use an ordinary woman, 
Who had not yet laid with a man, 
who probably suffered public ridicule, 
One who still desired to do God's Will...
...If God can use Mary, HE can use me.


I wrote this about 4 years ago, during the prime of my insecurities and sin-stained nature. Wondering why or what He would choose me for. Never did I imagine in a thousand years, that this would be part of my story. While I was reading about Sarai yesterday, I remembered this and went back to read it. I realized, that there are some upright, outstanding women, and there are some sinful women, who still had faith. I wonder if looking back on their lives, if any of them recognized what God's ultimate purpose was. I wonder if they were able to help other women, and if they did. Today, I am thanking God for my miscarriages, because it is putting some of the women in the Bible in a whole new light in my eyes. Not in a "light bulb!" sense, but in a way that I feel that I can relate to some of them, even though centuries have passed between then and now. I can see what others might not be able to see. I can think of the fear, the self blame, the shame, and most importantly the sadness. I have felt lately, that we put men and women of the Bible upon a pedestal. They were men and women just like us, trying to be set aside from the pressures of the world. Trying to believe, trying to trust, ultimately choosing trust and faith over their own thoughts. And just look how they changed nations, lineages, thousands of people--it blows me away. This new found outlook on the beginning stories that lead to Christ, makes me thankful. Not thankful for miscarriages, but thankful that right now, just a particle of one scale has fell from my "Christly Outlook". Excited to see what else will fall from my eyes. 

Just one thought I wanted to share with all of you that I can't remember if I have or not, is that, the reason this is so hard for us is because we have never taken care of the previous miscarriages before this. Every time, we have become pregnant before dealing with the full extent of our hardships, and every time, it has compounded upon the last. Please be understanding of this. We are trying the best we can, and sometimes, we know that isn't enough. We are not angry, or upset, but we just pray that each of you can allow for some patience and prayers our way. Thank you so much for reading this blog (if you do). I have always loved writing, but never thought this would be the avenue to do such. 

Has God Given Me a Name?

So on my way home from the farm today, I decided to start listening to the Bible. Luckily, if you have a smart phone and the "You Version" Bible app, you can do it for free, as long as you have either 3G or WiFi connection. Simeon and I have been reading as we listen along...it demands more focus and leaves little room for our minds to wander.

Now before I tell you what I have thought about today, I want to explain something. As our wonderful counselors urged us, we are starting at the beginning of the Bible instead of focusing on certain areas that might "help" us more. She explained starting at the beginning would create a stronger foundation, because seeing God from the start, instead of a snippet here and a snippet there, lays brick by brick, strength by strength, promise by promise. By doing something from "here and there" we are laying a foundation of sand. This made total sense to Simeon and me.

Right now, we are on Genesis 16-17. To be honest, I have been dreading these chapters because they are about the promise of a child to Abram and Sarai (at the moment, these are their names). But honestly, they weren't too bad. Emotional? Yes. Terrible? No.

The first thing I noticed about the story of Abram, relating to children, was that he seemed to really want an heir. I am sure that he wanted a child as well, but it almost looked as if he were more worried about giving his possessions to a slave of his. (Genesis 15:2) Now, that doesn't seem like such a big deal, but as I kept listening, I realized that God's promise to Abram, was a promise that seemingly addressed his fear of never having an heir, not necessarily just about having his child, but about having many descendants. (Genesis 15:4-5) Abraham believed him (vs. 6). Now an interesting twist, was that the Lord then told him about the land of the Chaldeans that he would gain possession of. Interestingly enough, that was the thing Abram questioned God about (vs. 8-15) Not about having an heir, but about gaining a land. Both equally difficult promises to believe, but Abram chose to believe God about the baby instead of the land. Maybe I am in a really difficult place, or maybe I don't quite understand the expansive kingdom of the Chaldeans, but Abram had a wealth of men, and he could call Lot to his aid at anytime. To me, the promise of the land seemed to be easier to take in, than the promise of a child, which he could not control at all. And really, God promised him descendants to outnumber the stars. Say whoa.

Okay, the next thing I was thinking about was God had changed both Abram's and Sarai's (after promising Abraham "by this time next year" and Sarai overhearing and laughing) names. There are also other instances of human's being renamed in the Bible. Some by themselves and some by God. It makes me wonder what God calls me when He thinks of me. Does He call me "Mara" for bitter? Or does He call me something else when He sees what He has for me? Does He change what He calls me?

Now the last thing I have been thinking about. Maybe I am crazy, but I don't think every promise in the Bible is directed toward me. I am not going to win land like Abram. Honestly, maybe God's promises for me have nothing to do with being pregnant, but rather, adoption. I don't know. I firmly believe that there are promises in the Bible that are for everyone. God promised never to destroy the earth by flood again, and He hasn't. But honestly, I might not be a Hannah, or a Sarah. I might just be Kristen. God might have His very own promises for me, separate of women and men of the Bible. I am leery to say all of this because it is wide open for criticism and debate.

Which brings me to the very next thing that can be widely judged that Simeon and I have recently come to a decision about. With the help of the story of Abraham and Sarah, we have decided to forgo any testing of what can be causing this, or going wrong. Yes, the Bible is ancient, and honestly, this is a harder road of the two, but we both feel at complete peace with this decision. Sarai took matters into her own hands and gave her husband her slave. As many believers know, we know what became of Ishmael's descendants. Not to mention, her slave ran away because there was a mutual bitterness and level of dislike between them. I was thinking about how Sarai must have felt. Years of being with her husband, and after a short while, this woman, her slave, was able to conceive and carry full-term, while Sarai was not. How could Sarai not shoulder the blame of being barren? How quickly her heart must have sank with the realization that she was the cause, not her husband? How difficult for Abram to have to understand her, and be the man that she needed him to be, when she had given him her slave...when he had a duty to that woman and his unborn child. My heart breaks for some of the realization that dawned on me today. Back to the point, I firmly believe that much heartbreak and hurt could have been avoided if Sarai had just trusted God, and if Abram and trusted and led Sarai in the correct decision.

We still believe our God is the Lord of miracles. Many can make the argument that God gave us doctors, when I don't know about that. God gave doctors, because of the curse, which He has full and overwhelming control over. This doesn't mean that I won't go to a doctor, but it does mean that I am not going to go everywhere, trying to find an answer, when I believe my answer is in God. My trust is in Him. My hope is in Him--not humans. I may never be able to carry full term. I may be able to, GOD is the only one that knows. To be truthful, another reason is because Simeon and I are not opposed to adoption. It makes no sense to us to spend money on something that could or could not be the answer to our miscarriages, that may or may not be able to be fixed. That money, could be saved, and put towards adoption, or even helping some one else adopt. Bluntly, we feel researching is not only forcing God's hand and putting our trust in humans, but also being selfish. The only thing I ask is that you not think we are crazy, or pass judgement upon us. Please don't criticize or gossip with others. Pray that if we are wrong, God will not let us be, and if we are right, that He affirms it. The decision on our future is not even our's to pass but ultimately, God's. We feel we are meeting Him right where He wants us.

Also, we are starting to research adoption in earnest. We are not starting the process. This is not the time to start the process, we need to deal with our miscarriages and grief. When we feel we are where God wants us to be, we will stop hindering pregnancy, and/or start the process of adoption, whichever way we feel the Lord is leading us to.

As I have been saying in previous posts, not everyday is bad. But because I usually write once a week or so, everything accumulates and the feelings overwhelm what Simeon and I have learned along the way. I pray that everyone understands I know that my feelings aren't truth--they're just feelings. But to be honest, typing away on this helps me. It helps me weed through thoughts, let others know what I am feeling, and honestly, just connect to the best of my personal ability right now. I do not want others to walk on eggshells around me. I do want them to be mindful of where I am at, but I want them to be able to experience their joy as well. Truthfully, it just can't be around me right now. Some of my favorite moments through all this pain, is when someone talks to us to understand where we are at. Just being understanding. Nothing more. Just letting us talk to them, and letting us be understood. The feeling of validation is nice to feel. Knowing that we are more than "that couple that keeps miscarrying", to feel better than a plague. Okay, that's it. I am done.

Hearty Vegetable Minestrone (Crock Pot)

I found this recipe online on a health blog. After trying it, I made a few adjustments and this is what I came up with, fairly delicious and satisfying for a couple of people that are fasting! This recipe makes a HUGE amount, so be careful! I made the whole recipe on purpose, knowing it would be lunch, supper, and probably snacks for the next week.

You will need:

• A LARGE Crock Pot!
• 2 medium zucchinis, chopped
• 3 medium yellow summer squash, chopped
• 1 cup baby carrots (or 3 medium carrots), chopped
• 4 stalks of celery, chopped
• 1 medium onion, chopped
• 1 medium red bell pepper, chopped
• 2 tablespoons minced garlic
• 1 15 oz. can great northern beans, drained and rinsed
• 1, 15 oz can black beans, drained and rinsed
• 1, 15 oz can red beans, drained and rinsed
• 1 1/2 cups sliced mushrooms
• 2 large cans diced tomatoes with basil, oregano, and garlic (it's out there people)
• 1 box vegetable broth
• 2 tablespoons, beef base
• 2 teaspoons oregano
• Salt and pepper to taste

First off, wash ALL of your veggies. All of the ones I got were covered in a waxy residue to keep the produce from spoiling. Next chop up the squashes, carrots, celery, onion, and pepper. Put it all in the crock pot. Drain and rinse the beans, and put those, along with garlic and remaining ingredients in the crock pot. 

Set on high for 6-7 hours. 

*You may notice the green beans in the soup. It is what the recipe called for, although I didn't quite care for the texture in the soup. Also, this soup is so good, you could probably just add and omit whatever vegetables you like. Happy eating! 

FYI, this soup is super healthy!

Lack Nothing.

February 1st marked a change in me. A change, that I now realize, makes my life even harder than anything I have had to deal with before.

I have been through some pretty rough stuff in life. As Chuck Swindoll once taught on our Alaskan Cruise, "Everybody's been shot". As I do realize that everyone has been shot, I sit here wondering, how often, and if it is in the same place as others. Of course not. Everyone has their own thread being woven into the tapestry of the Lord. 

What I do sit here wondering even more than that though, is how often we love each other. How often we judge people on their actions, when we have no idea what God has asked them to do, what forest He has chosen for them to walk through. What storms in their lives they have had to endure. What valleys they have had to stumble through. What deserts they had to wander through. 

Then I found myself asking... WHY AM I  JUDGING?! I am judging everyone else for judging me! I am judging the way they act around me, without knowing what they themselves are going through. It makes my heart break that I am so angry at others, when I am doing exactly what they are...even more so. I am focusing on my own heartbreak and pain, without caring about them. Jesus sweat blood for me--he focused on the pain he would endure for a moment, then handed it over to his Father. He trusted his Father, that the plan His Father had, was greater than the pain he would ever have to go through.

I am not there. I wish I were. I hope to be one day. I pray that I can endure this to see the plan God has for Simeon and me. Right now, it's still this heart-wrenching, gut-tearing, searing pain. The best I can do right now, is ignore it. The best I can do right now, is avoid it. The best I can do right now, is pretend not to be bothered when others talk about their children, or soon-to-be children. The best I can do right now, is to ask God for sleep because I absolutely cannot think about our children, that we will not meet until we are in Heaven. 

Recently, Simeon and I have realized that we need help. We need counseling. This was a monumentally humbling decision for me. For years, I have had to go to counseling, because everything was my fault, because I was the problem, because my father abused me because of me, because I was a liar, because I couldn't handle things well. It hurts to go to counseling for those reasons. I have realized now, that yeah, I have had issues, but they weren't just issues that I decided to have. They are and were issues that were created by outside forces, ones that I acted upon. It was the moment I acted upon the actions, that created the problem. The realization that I needed help, because I cannot handle this myself, that I cannot keep taking it out on my loving husband, that I cannot keep looking at happy women and families with hatred. I needed help. I still need help. 

The people we have chosen to counsel us, are very dear and near to our hearts. They reached out to us with our second miscarriage, walked and prayed with us during our third pregnancy, and cried their hearts out with us during the miscarriage as well. They have been an unbending light in the valley of darkness. Something they said in the last meeting, was that God is preparing us for our family. That God was the one who put the desire for family into our hearts. 

This brought up a slew of questions I wished were answered. Does that mean that everyone else who is able to carry full term (I know there's hope, but I am looking at the track record right now) is prepared? Does that mean the teenagers who could care less about their child, are prepared? Does that mean that we are unfit to be parents right now? Does that mean God can't trust us? What does that mean?! Add these to all the other questions, and you can see why I am consistently asking God for sleep.

So aside from counseling, I have made some pretty drastic changes. For one, I got a Y membership. I even have a GREAT workout partner that asks me when we are going (Shout out to KIM!). I have a goal, to reach the healthy size I was when I met Simeon. I no longer want to blame myself for miscarrying on the health side of things. I am changing our lifestyle and recipes...healthier versions. We are fasting, reading, and praying...more earnestly than ever before and of our own accord. And, when the time is right, when we feel like God is telling us we are prepared enough, we will once again start to trust unwaveringly, and stop preventing pregnancy. We will find the plan God has for us and follow it through to the end.

Since I know this is already undyingly long, I will leave you with a verse that has really stuck with me. In the Amplified Version, Psalm 23:1 reads like this, "The Lord is my Shepherd [to feed, guide, and shield me], I shall not lack." For years I have read it as 'want', not really noticing that I was looking at it completely wrong, and years of others passing over it and looking at it wrong as well. It doesn't mean that I won't want for anything. It just means that my God will provide for me. That He cares for me and doesn't just give me whatever I want. 

Also, look for the next post! There will be a soup recipe with subpar pictures (seeing as I left my camera at church!)!

Fasting

As Simeon and I were reading last night, I came across 2 verses that really spoke to me. They were both promises that I had skipped over many times before, not fully realizing that is what they are.

Psalm 34:4, "I sought (inquired of) the Lord and required Him [of necessity and on the authority of His Word], and He heard me, and delivered me from all my fears."

Psalm 34:18, "The Lord is close to those who are of a broken heart and saves such as are crushed with sorrow for sin and are humbly and thoroughly penitent."

These are both from the Amplified Bible version, and as I was reading, I had realized yet another thing. God's promises are true. God keeps His Word, but He demands something in return. Trust, faith, repentance, seeking, you name it. It's like a law of physics, 'for every action, there is an opposite and equal reaction'.

I cannot expect God to be close to me if I am only running away from Him. God does not chase, but that doesn't mean He is apathetic and aloof either. He waits. He tugs. He loves from a distance, until we   run to Him. 

I cannot expect God to answer me, when I do not earnestly seek Him. I plead for answers, but I am so focused on those "answers" that I forget Him. I yell at Him. Once again, He is patient, waiting for me to be done; to listen, so that He may deliver.

Through these past 2 days, I desperately want to be different, both Simeon and I do. We have decided to do a fast for the month of February. We want to spend more time in the word. To see what God wants of our lives, to find His treasures that He has for us. His promises, His healing, His miracles, and His consequences. 

Every year, at my church, our Pastor challenges us to give the first fruits of our year to Him. Part of the way we do that is through a Daniel Fast. (Fasting based on the book of Daniel). This teaches us to not be so dependent on our own lives and to truly seek what God has for us for the upcoming year.

This year, I didn't do it. I had no desire to do it. I could care less. If you read my last post, you know that I blamed and am still angry at God. However, I chose to go forward, to not let the devil with his manipulating lies keep me paralyzed in fear.

Simeon and I have chosen to do our own fast. Not a Daniel Fast, and not necessarily a media fast. I will explain what we are doing.

Foods we are only allowing ourselves to eat are:
Fruits
Vegetables
Nuts
Almond Milk
Granola
Greek Yogurt (or eggs)
Meal Replacement Shakes

This was a hard list, because we needed something that could provide protein and carbs. Vegetables and fruits are good at carbohydrates as well as nuts. The shakes, greek yogurt and eggs are good for protein. We needed that stuff because we are doing some pretty intensive working out.

Also, we are also fasting TV and gaming for the most part. It isn't because we have a stronghold in our lives, but because we do not spend enough time with our God. I have spent so much time being angry and blaming God, that I don't really know what His promises are. I really don't know Him at all in fact. he is my like a coworker. Someone I go to if I need help, but not someone I go out of my way to talk. That makes me sick just thinking about it. Not to mention, Simeon hangs out with his brothers by watching sports or playing games. That seems like an unfair thing to take away.

I will be deactivating(or whatever you want to call it) Facebook and Pinterest for a month. Every time I look at my feeds, I see what the newest baby decor, or maternity pictures or what not. I get angrier and even more bitter. I don't need that. I need to remove things that cause me to revert.

I will still text, and talk on the phone if I absolutely have to. If you want to invite me to anything ask me personally!

So that's it. That is what we are fasting in the month of February. If any of you would like to sincerely join us (even though you may have just finished a fast) allow yourselves to do so. God's tugging isn't just the first month of the year (nor is it only in the form of fasting). It's every day, every moment and we have to be sensitive to it, and this is how I am choosing to be sensitive.

Questions that Plague Me.

Lately, I have been a dead woman walking. It feels that a part of me is broken. Not physically, but spiritually and emotionally. Both my husband and I have been feeling like we are living day by day, but not really living. That something has died within us.

For me, I have let my hope die. I have let it go because of fear. Right now, fear is a large presence in my life, and I am comfortable with that, but I hate it. Isn't that so ridiculous of grief? You want to hope, but you're scared to, and in doing so, you are comfortable knowing that without hope, this is the worst you have to deal with. At the same time, I hate it. I hate every second of feeling that my life has one theme: Tragedy. There's a level of contentment, or rather, apathy that happens when hope is gone. It's scary because once someone has given up on hope, they have given up on God.

God is scary to me. I struggle daily with what I believe, knowing that it is all or nothing with our Lord. My thoughts are a ball of yarn with nothing but knots; leading me to thousands of different conclusions of what God's character truly is. I blame God for everything. I know I shouldn't and that I am giving into my flesh, but like I said, there is a certain amount of apathy that happens.

During all of this, I blame and point fingers at everyone but myself. I hate when people are insensitive, talking about who had the latest baby, flashing pictures in front of me, talking about their pregnancies that go on without a care, hearing how someone is struggling for thankfulness for yet another child, asking me questions about my pregnant sister-in-law, while I am here. Alone. Barren. Bitter. Spiteful. Chosen.

I blame others for caring more about abortion, than either infertility or miscarrying. What makes aborted children's lives so much more valuable than the others? A life is a life. I am angry at people who treat me like nothing has happened. I am angry at people who ask how I am, but don't stay around long enough to actually find out how I am. I am angry at those who back down because of how I may react. I am angry at those who tell me how to feel, yet have had no pain in their lives.

I am angry at pregnant women. I am angry that they get what God has said "yes" then "no" to me for. I am angry that they can complain about pregnancy, and not get how lucky they really are. I hate that they get a desire of my heart that has been there since childhood: a family. I am angry their bellies get to expand while mine only gets to expand, then go back down (depending on how much ice cream I eat).

I am angry at modern medicine. I am angry that there are no answers, that I am "perfectly healthy". I am angry that no matter how much I try to be healthy, it is such a mystery that it won't even matter. I am angry that this is so debilitating.

I am angry at social media, that no matter how hard I try to unfollow a board on Pinterest, or hide a person from my timeline on Facebook, that I consistently have to see what others are blessed with while I am cursed. 

I am angry at Satan, that he has coupled my past with now. That he has immobilized me to the point of cowering and not wanting to get back up, with a mountain of fear in front of me that I must climb. I am angry at him for using my own relationship with my father, to "show" me what kind of heavenly father I have. I am angry that the question from when I was 5, has become the question that plagues me now--Why was I even born? I am angry that I am less angry at him and more angry at God.

I am angry at my family, save all but one. That they go on with their lives, caring so little for their daughter and sister. That they care more about being right, than about being there for me. I am angry that I haven't tried as hard as I could with them, yet I am always the one to blame. I am angry that if I don't call them, I am nothing to them. Save all but one.

Most of all, I am angry at myself. I hate myself for being angry. I hate that I am not strong enough in faith to not fall so low to not get back up. I am angry at myself for being filled with bitterness and hatred. I am angry at myself for letting my defenses down and allowing Satan to win the battle. I am angry for being so angry at others, no matter how "justified". I am angry that I am angry with God, that I mock Him, that I call Him a liar, that I yell at Him, that I throw away any blessing He has given me because He has chosen to take away these children.

I am frustrated, knowing that if I don't blame God, there is no one else to blame but myself. Why us? Why has God chosen us and not any of my friends? Why are we the ones having to go through this time and time again? The thing I fear most is that it is because we are not good enough Christians, we don't have a deep enough walk with God. Is this punishment? Realization? There are so many questions I want answered...I NEED answered, and a God who is completely silent. Which is understandable, given how far away I have allowed myself to run wildly. Still...why? Why the heartbreak? Why has God chosen me and not someone stronger? What is His purpose in all of this? Why has he allowed this? Do I really want to know why? Do I really want to experience a God who could have stopped all of this? Do I really want to summit that mountain of fear, or camp out in the bottom, where the demons of hatred, bitterness, rage, and the wolves of worthlessness live?

I don't want to summit that mountain. I don't want to know how much harder this is going to be. If this is how it is at the bottom, I can't imagine what will happen along the way. Fearful and alone. But I will. Oh yes, I will decide to go. And I will keep going. I will turn back from time to time. I will slip and fall all the way back down. I will cry, and hug my knees at night wishing for death, because I see no life. But I will go. I will cling to the hope that even if 10000 fall, I will still stand. I will cling to the Hope that he is my anchor. That God is my path in the wilderness. I will cling to the hope that there will be hope. I will go. I will follow. I will fail, but I will succeed.

Dealing with Miscarriages in a Sea of Pregnancies.

I have been thinking about writing something like this for awhile. I am writing this, not because I am hurt or angry, but because so many don't know what to do in a situation like mine. Hopefully, if you know anyone else who has to go through with it, you can use these points as a way of helping and not unintentionally hurting further.

1. Symapthize

We had a huge amount of sympathy one day, and virtually no one had asked about how we were doing the next. Don't get me wrong, some did, but for the most part, it was a passing question, or statement. It felt terrible to have our pain last only a moment. Is that all we are worth? Is that all this baby was worth? We didn't want people to revolve around us, as we understand each has their own lives, but it hurt more to know that no one was coming to cry with us.

Romans 12:9-16 tells us how to treat each other. In this case, I would like you to look at verse 15 especially.

2. Ask Specifically

I understand that people don't know what to say or do, but at least ask specifically what you can be doing or praying for. This accomplishes 2 things. It lets the hurting know that you are still thinking of them, while also being able to tailor your prayer for them for what they need; even if you are praying, I would still recommend doing this because during difficult times, moods and thoughts change so swiftly.

3. Be Encouraging

 Encourage whoever may be hurting. Even though you may not have the words to say, God does. Pray for Him to show a verse to you or to let Him speak directly through you. Encourage whoever is hurting to not give up, to keep looking to God. When recurring miscarriages happen, I know for one, I have blamed Him, been angry at Him, felt rejected by Him, thought that this was His punishment for me...DO NOT let them think those things! Do NOT let them walk in fear alone.

4. Be Brave

 It takes a lot to not avoid situations. As Christians we are told to support one another for we are the body of Christ. It takes a lot of courage to not avoid the hurting. Even though you may not want to talk about babies or anything, trying to talk normally, is helpful. No one wants to wallow in the misery of not being able to meet their children forever. There will always be reminders and things that hurt, but in my case, I have understood nothing was intentional or insensitive. It's life. Good things and bad things happen.

5. Be Understanding

 In many cases, joyful things happen to others while one is in a world of hurt. Be understanding of this. Know the person, if they would be happy for you in their good times, then trust that they would be happy for you now. This, however, does not mean that they cannot have their own sadness. Trust the good heartedness in a person. It is really hard to handle multiple miscarriages (especially in one year) with grace all the time, so trust that they ARE happy for you. In the case of pregnancies, do you honestly think that someone who desperately wanted their children is going to hate or be angry for others being born? It is hard, and it hurts, but children are and always will be a blessing, no matter WHO'S they are, because ultimately, they are God's.

6. Be Sad

 Amidst your happiness of a new baby or pregnancy, do not feel guilty for that. However, be able to feel sad for your friend. Be sad that your friend hasn't been able to experience the same joy that you are about to have. In return, the friend will always try their hardest to be happy with you.

7. Be periodic.

 Mourning the loss of a baby you never knew doesn't just happen for a month or two, then go away. It happens everyday, every hour. Sometimes, it is faded and peaceful to think about, other times it is physically painful and hard to breathe. Ask periodically, REALLY ask, how the couple is doing. You may catch them on a good day, and you may catch them on a bad day. You can just sit and listen or cry with them. Life is hard individually, which is why God created us to crave interaction.

8. Be Silent

The last thing I have wanted to hear during this period, is that there is hope. I understand that there is hope, but I am also fearful of that hope. I don't want to hope. Why have hope when hoping 3 times has just been dreams that are dashed. Don't say that we can have another baby, or that God has a baby for us. We know this, we trust Him. That makes the significance of these babies diminished by so much. Even though we never met them, would a baby newly born, be treated in the same manner? it doesn't matter if a baby is just fertilized or 1 month old out of the womb, they are a child of God. Do you think God treats it so trivially? Then why do we? A life lost is a life lost, no matter how young or old.

9. Don't Say

Do not say it's a good thing, that something was wrong with baby; Do you think we would be so picky as to not cherish a child with special needs? There may have been some tough calls to make as this child was growing up, but NOBODY knows that. What if this child was perfect, and the mother or father had something physically to not let it be born? Never say that death is a good thing.

Do not say "At least it was early on, and you didn't have to deal with it later" Understandably, this statement makes sense. The more time goes by, the more dreams you invest in having that child. However, that is what we are sad about--never being able to meet them. To not be able to see them grow and learn and develop their personalities. To not have the ability to say what a cute thing they did, or take pictures. In a blighted ovum case, there is nothing to remember this child by, no ultrasound or pictures, just our memory. This is hard. 

10. Don't Aviod

This goes along with being brave. As far as human emotions go with multiple miscarriages from a female perspetive, "My body rejected the baby, God rejected us to have this baby, what if my husband rejects me for not being able to have a baby, now my friends are rejecting me too?". Not all of those thoughts are even correct, but be reminded, a woman is in a constant state of fear. The fear ebbs and flows, but never truly goes away. The fear changes forms, but is always there. In this time, THAT is her constant companion. The fear that everything is her fault, that she is the reason why people don't want to talk to her, that God is punishing HER for her previous sins, that she will never be able to have a child, the fear of even thinking about getting pregnant again, the fear of hoping again-just to have hopes dashed. By avoiding, you allow just a little more fear into her thoughts and life. Satan is alive and well and is the master of lies, he WILL use past circumstances, coupled with recent ones, to make that be the truth. DO NOT let them go through this alone! Fight Satan with them, with her! It may be uncomfortable and nerve-wracking for you, but imagine the pain she is in!

11. Trust

Trust that couples who have to deal with this harbor no ill will towards you. Trust that they love you as much as they have before, and aren't hurt by you. Trust that they are just hurting, and trust that the best you can do is a be a friend, even if you have no idea what the situation is like. 

12. Dream

Until yesterday, Nathaniel's due date, I never realized what it was like to want to dream and imagine things about him. To imagine perfect curly brown hair coupled with blue eyes and a squishy nose...ask someone gently, if you can dream with them. If you can dream about that baby, what they would look like, what sort of things would happen in the house...ask them to dream with them. It's hard dreaming by myself, with no one to share it with. Yesterday should have been joyful, but all it was was pain. Try to make it a special kind of sad joyfulness for that person.

13. Don't Criticize

Women who can handle all situations with grace all the time are a very special breed of women. I would venture to say, that most women are not like that. Do not tell this women how she should be acting, or what she should be saying. You may be right, but it doesn't mean that a woman doesn't have a reason for doing or saying something. She will see later if something is a mistake, and if she is upstanding, correct it. However, everyone grieves and experiences happiness in different ways. We don't tell others how to be happy, why should we tell them how to be sad? She is grieving and sad, and more than likely thinks she doesn't matter. View what she says or does as a cry for help, not a cry of bitterness. Bitterness derives from not wanting to dance the dance of grief and joy. If she is dancing that dance, then dance with her. Her steps might be off, but she will get it--eventually.

14. Don't Complain

Do not complain about your children in front of her. You have no idea how much she would be willing to give to have a disobedient, unruly child in her home right now. To have a child that might be have a cold all the time, to have a child who is colicky. Don't complain about your pregnancy in front of her, you have no idea how much she would go through to end up with a healthy child. You complaining seems like a downright injustice to her. It doesn't mean that is what it is or that you don't love your children, but it does mean, be thankful for what you DO have. 

15. Be sensitive

Don't ask about pregnancies or newborns unless she brings it up. It is a painful topic for her, and even when she asks how someone is feeling during their pregnancy is equivalent to climbing Mount Doom. It is hard. It is hard to think about others' joy without your pain. Her broaching the topic is her way of coping, trying to get back to normal, letting the other person know she cares, and genuinely trying to be joyful for them, It may not be as exciting as you wanted or as joyful, but imagine what it took for her to get to that point. Her asking is a big deal, and in your mind, treat it as such.

16.  No Excuses

You feel offended when others use excuses to not call you or to hang out with you. This is kind of the same. Don't use excuses to avoid the situation. Once again, it doesn't mean that the world revolves around the miscarriage, but really ask yourself if you are avoiding something because it is uncomfortable or if you are scared. If it's one of the latter, then really try hard to not allow Satan to give those excuses to you.

17. Let Them Know
Let them know you are thinking about it. As much as we would like to be mind readers, we aren't. What is left unsaid, is usually left to create the worst outcome in the mind. A card, a meal, a text, a message. Let them know you care, and are STILL caring, that it is not a one time done thing. Just let them know your heart for them. Even if it is saying, I don't know how to act or what to say around you because I am hurting for you. They will let you know a safe way to act, that won't remind them. Trust the person enough to allow that to happen. If they rail into you, remember, hurting people hurt people. Love them regardless.

18. Don't Blame
You may think you are helping by trying to find suggestions and reasons for this, but until she (or they are) is ready to explore those reasons and options, don't bring them up. As a woman, it is hard to NOT blame our self for why you miscarried. Bringing up reasons and options (assuming no drugs, smoking, or alcohol is involved...) just adds to the blame. We internalize it and make it our fault, even if something is said with the best of intentions, even if it could be that reason, even if... Ultimately, it just hurts for us, and patience until we ask, needs to not only be understood, but respected. 

This is all I have for now. Please understand that I am not angry at anyone, but through this time, these are things I wish people would have known, realized, or even asked about. I am also not blaming anyone for not doing these things, I understand that this isn't only hard from our side, but from yours as well. If this minimizes the pain of just one person, then this note is worth it.