This post and the next few will be all written today, but done in segments. I am trying to write as I read and think so that my thoughts are clear, and not all thrown into a huge "pot" if you will. I like focusing on each individual segment of the stories. I am about 16 chapters from where I last wrote! So, we ended on Isaac and Rebekah meeting and marrying. Later Abraham dies, and there is an account of Ishmael's family line. In Genesis 25, Rebekah is pregnant. Something that interested me what that Rebekah inquired about what was going on in her womb. Nowadays we rely on doctors and ultrasounds and vitamins to know what is going on. I know that the last 2 times I was pregnant, I never asked to be informed by God. Simeon and I prayed over each Nathaniel and Hezekiah (especially Hezekiah), but we just "left" it in God's hands. Now, I am not saying that there is anything wrong with modern medicine and vitamins, but I am saying, that if I were to inquire God what was going on, if He would have responded to me. By it's very definition, "inquire" means to 'Ask about the health and well-being of someone'. Not that I am blaming myself for any of this, but perhaps, God would have prepared me more for loss if only I would have inquired about these children instead of just 'giving it to Him'. That is a really tricky balance, to be informed, but to still trust the Creator no matter what.
"The Lord said to her, 'Two nations are in your womb,and two peoples from within you will be separated; one people will be stronger than the other, and the older will serve the younger." (Gen 25:23)
Something that struck me about this, is that God knew what was going to happen. Now, that isn't a big deal, we all know that. I then began to wonder, however, if that is why Rachel loved Jacob more, because she knew that Esau would serve Jacob.
This is also the chapter where Jacob cons Esau out of his birthright. I began to wonder what a birthright really is. I have always figured it was basically a will, but it is more than that. Whoever the birthright went to assumed their father's responsibilities and authority. It usually went to the firstborn son, no matter how many wives the father had. Also, whoever inherited the birthright, received twice as much as any other sibling. I have always wondered why Esau was so mad, but if you think about how much Issac inherited from his father, not to mention all he had gained, that's a pretty good reason to be angry at your little bro and your foolish self. Can you imagine...all that over a bowl of soup!
In Genesis 26, Isaac moves to King Abimelek's land because of a famine. And guess what he does, he lies about who his wife is to the same king his father did!!! To my knowledge, this is the first recorded generational sin that I have read in the Bible. It's kind of dumbfounding, because father's rarely tell their children where they were wrong. So I doubt that Isaac had any idea that he had done the same thing. So interesting.
I guess what is even more interesting to me, is that in both Abraham's and Isaac's cases, the Lord blessed them abundantly. It doesn't even say in the Bible that either one is apologetic towards God for their actions, or repentant. Why would God bless them so abundantly? I mean, God blessed Isaac so abundantly that the king of the Philistines, was afraid of Isaac! To reach others? I honestly don't understand this part at all.
So, I have also started to find out what each name means. Did you know that Sarai means "My Princess" while Sarah means "Princess"? God was claiming Sarah as His princess from birth, protecting her, then allowed her to be turned into a 'princess' with many future descendants. Maybe I am reading into it too much, but it is interesting that her name and name change work with each part of her life....
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Monday, March 4, 2013
He Demands.
Last night Simeon and I were reading Genesis 24, the beginning story of Isaac and Rebekah. Lately, I have been trying to examine the Bible from a different perspective. Not just reading it, but learning, examining, and meditating on it. Since I am pretty much completely emotional, I have focused on the humanity of these people. In Ecclesiastes, it says "there is nothing new under the sun", and I believe that human thoughts and emotions are no different.
There are somethings that I never realized about the story of Isaac and Rebekah. Things that were blatantly there, but I never invested the time or thought into them. One of them starts in Genesis 23:1, "Sarah lived to be a hundred and twenty-seven years old." Bear with me here for a little, one of the things Simeon and I have been trying to do is create a timeline to the best of our understanding. We are probably wrong about some things, but this is pretty basic math. Sarah was 90 years old (I think, give or take) when Isaac was born. So she was able to be on this earth for him for 37ish years before she died. I dialed in on this fact alone. He was 37 years old, and wasn't married. How would he have felt? Was he content? What was the average age of betrothal during that time? Was he impatient? Was he wondering, dreaming? Was an heir as important to him as it was to his father? What was his human condition at the time of his mother's death? Was he sad she would never see her grandchildren? Not much is said about Isaac's temperament at this time, so it left my imagination and thoughts wide open to all of the possibilities.
Fast forward, we know the servant Abraham sent found Isaac not only the woman to be his wife, but one of Abraham's relatives, unbeknownst to all until later. It intrigued me that the servant prayed "Lord, God of my master Abraham..." (Genesis 24:12). As I thought about it, I realized that Abraham probably had many servants with many different gods. Did this servant believe in the one, true God? If he didn't, did he believe after he witnessed God's hand in this story of Isaac and Rebekah? God wove these lives together in a completely intricate way, that none of them could have imagined.
This servant also gave specific instructions to God, to allow it to be known and recognized right away. He prayed to God for a woman with kindness, and hard work. Can you imagine drawing enough water for 10 camels? Did you know that one camel can drink up to 30 gallons of water in 10 minutes? Even if these camels didn't need that much, even a third of that, 10 gallons, multiplied by 10 camels is at least 100 gallons! How much water do you think Rebekah drew from the well? How much water do I draw from the source of living water? She did so, not only gladly, but offering. I also wondered if there was a selfish side, I wonder if she recognized these camels were laden with gifts, and if she wanted something in return. Even if she did, she got more than she bargained for. Our God is one that blesses beyond realization.
Rebekah's character also comes out when asked to go. Her family wanted her to stay behind for 10 days (I wondered why such a specific time, but I digress). The servant however wanted to go now. They decided to ask Rebekah and let herself decide. 'Then they said, “Let’s call the young woman and ask her about it.” So they called Rebekah and asked her, “Will you go with this man?” “I will go,” she said.' (Genesis 24:57-58) I wonder if there was even a moment of hesitation. The way it reads is that there is not. Her character came out in a way that she stepped out in faith. She trusted not only her God, but her family, and Abraham's servant. So Rebekah was kind, trusting, and faithful.
The next few verses are about Isaac and Rebekah's 'meet-cute' if you will. (vs. 62-67)
"Now Isaac had come from Beer Lahai Roi, for he was living in the Negev. He went out to the field one evening to meditate,and as he looked up, he saw camels approaching. Rebekah also looked up and saw Isaac. She got down from her camel and asked the servant, “Who is that man in the field coming to meet us?”“He is my master,” the servant answered. So she took her veil and covered herself. Then the servant told Isaac all he had done. Isaac brought her into the tent of his mother Sarah,and he married Rebekah. So she became his wife, and he loved her; and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death."
In these verses I really wondered about some things. What was Isaac meditating about? Did Abraham tell his son the plans for his wife-to-be? Was he meditating on the Lord? Did he actually see Rebekah when he looked up or just a silhouette? Did he know that this woman was going to be his wife? Why did Rebekah cover herself up? Why did she put the veil across her face? Was she scared this man wouldn't like how she looked? Was she just plain scared of meeting him? After reading through a little more, I realized that Abraham did not tell Isaac what he was up to. In fact, the servant told him what had happened. Both Isaac and Rebekah stepped out in faith, to be united. What am I doing to step out in faith for the story God has tenderly woven me?
The last part "...and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death." Goes along with another verse later on in Chapter 25. In verse 20 it says that Isaac was 40 years old when he married Rebekah. So back to the math. Sarah was 90(ish) when she gave birth to Isaac. She died when he was 37 years old. That means Isaac was grieving and mourning for his mother for 3 years until Rebekah showed up. Oddly, this comforted me. I have been feeling impatient of late. Impatient for this whole process to be done. To want to trust, and try for a child again. It comforted me that this man, was saddened for 3 years before true comfort and healing began. I don't care if he was a momma's boy, if he didn't feel the urge or need to get married, I just know that he was hurting that his mother was not with him.
As I have weeded through these thoughts, two things became abundantly clear. God demands trust and faith from me. God demands patience from me. Without any of these things, how can I truly allow Him to work in my life to the fullness He has for me? After this realization I imagined a child walking in a dark place with a parent. The child needs a hand to hold to, trusting that the hand they're holding will lead them to light. They need to keep walking and staying side by side to their parent, not knowing where they are going, but having faith that they will get there. And lastly, they need to be patient with their parent and themselves, knowing that in the end, there will no longer be darkness or fear, only the light.
There are somethings that I never realized about the story of Isaac and Rebekah. Things that were blatantly there, but I never invested the time or thought into them. One of them starts in Genesis 23:1, "Sarah lived to be a hundred and twenty-seven years old." Bear with me here for a little, one of the things Simeon and I have been trying to do is create a timeline to the best of our understanding. We are probably wrong about some things, but this is pretty basic math. Sarah was 90 years old (I think, give or take) when Isaac was born. So she was able to be on this earth for him for 37ish years before she died. I dialed in on this fact alone. He was 37 years old, and wasn't married. How would he have felt? Was he content? What was the average age of betrothal during that time? Was he impatient? Was he wondering, dreaming? Was an heir as important to him as it was to his father? What was his human condition at the time of his mother's death? Was he sad she would never see her grandchildren? Not much is said about Isaac's temperament at this time, so it left my imagination and thoughts wide open to all of the possibilities.
Fast forward, we know the servant Abraham sent found Isaac not only the woman to be his wife, but one of Abraham's relatives, unbeknownst to all until later. It intrigued me that the servant prayed "Lord, God of my master Abraham..." (Genesis 24:12). As I thought about it, I realized that Abraham probably had many servants with many different gods. Did this servant believe in the one, true God? If he didn't, did he believe after he witnessed God's hand in this story of Isaac and Rebekah? God wove these lives together in a completely intricate way, that none of them could have imagined.
This servant also gave specific instructions to God, to allow it to be known and recognized right away. He prayed to God for a woman with kindness, and hard work. Can you imagine drawing enough water for 10 camels? Did you know that one camel can drink up to 30 gallons of water in 10 minutes? Even if these camels didn't need that much, even a third of that, 10 gallons, multiplied by 10 camels is at least 100 gallons! How much water do you think Rebekah drew from the well? How much water do I draw from the source of living water? She did so, not only gladly, but offering. I also wondered if there was a selfish side, I wonder if she recognized these camels were laden with gifts, and if she wanted something in return. Even if she did, she got more than she bargained for. Our God is one that blesses beyond realization.
Rebekah's character also comes out when asked to go. Her family wanted her to stay behind for 10 days (I wondered why such a specific time, but I digress). The servant however wanted to go now. They decided to ask Rebekah and let herself decide. 'Then they said, “Let’s call the young woman and ask her about it.” So they called Rebekah and asked her, “Will you go with this man?” “I will go,” she said.' (Genesis 24:57-58) I wonder if there was even a moment of hesitation. The way it reads is that there is not. Her character came out in a way that she stepped out in faith. She trusted not only her God, but her family, and Abraham's servant. So Rebekah was kind, trusting, and faithful.
The next few verses are about Isaac and Rebekah's 'meet-cute' if you will. (vs. 62-67)
"Now Isaac had come from Beer Lahai Roi, for he was living in the Negev. He went out to the field one evening to meditate,and as he looked up, he saw camels approaching. Rebekah also looked up and saw Isaac. She got down from her camel and asked the servant, “Who is that man in the field coming to meet us?”“He is my master,” the servant answered. So she took her veil and covered herself. Then the servant told Isaac all he had done. Isaac brought her into the tent of his mother Sarah,and he married Rebekah. So she became his wife, and he loved her; and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death."
In these verses I really wondered about some things. What was Isaac meditating about? Did Abraham tell his son the plans for his wife-to-be? Was he meditating on the Lord? Did he actually see Rebekah when he looked up or just a silhouette? Did he know that this woman was going to be his wife? Why did Rebekah cover herself up? Why did she put the veil across her face? Was she scared this man wouldn't like how she looked? Was she just plain scared of meeting him? After reading through a little more, I realized that Abraham did not tell Isaac what he was up to. In fact, the servant told him what had happened. Both Isaac and Rebekah stepped out in faith, to be united. What am I doing to step out in faith for the story God has tenderly woven me?
The last part "...and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death." Goes along with another verse later on in Chapter 25. In verse 20 it says that Isaac was 40 years old when he married Rebekah. So back to the math. Sarah was 90(ish) when she gave birth to Isaac. She died when he was 37 years old. That means Isaac was grieving and mourning for his mother for 3 years until Rebekah showed up. Oddly, this comforted me. I have been feeling impatient of late. Impatient for this whole process to be done. To want to trust, and try for a child again. It comforted me that this man, was saddened for 3 years before true comfort and healing began. I don't care if he was a momma's boy, if he didn't feel the urge or need to get married, I just know that he was hurting that his mother was not with him.
As I have weeded through these thoughts, two things became abundantly clear. God demands trust and faith from me. God demands patience from me. Without any of these things, how can I truly allow Him to work in my life to the fullness He has for me? After this realization I imagined a child walking in a dark place with a parent. The child needs a hand to hold to, trusting that the hand they're holding will lead them to light. They need to keep walking and staying side by side to their parent, not knowing where they are going, but having faith that they will get there. And lastly, they need to be patient with their parent and themselves, knowing that in the end, there will no longer be darkness or fear, only the light.
Saturday, March 2, 2013
He Protects
As I am writing this, my two pups are sitting on either side of me cuddling with me. I am so blessed to have the love of these animals. I know I sound like a whackadoodle, but they know when something is wrong, they crave being with Simeon or me, they rely on us, they love interacting with us. In the same way, I should be the same with God. I want to crave being with Him. My hunger and desire for that is growing, but sometimes it is a choice to read the Bible, not a desire. In the same way, many of the women and men of the Bible were not extraordinary, but through their choices and faith in Our Lord, they were made extraordinary, and changed the course of millions of people.
So, I don't have a ton of thoughts for you today. We are still on Abraham and Sarah, before they had Isaac. After Abraham pleads with God for Lot's family in Soddom, to not be destroyed along with the wicked, he heads to the Negev, which was under King Abimelek's rule. Abraham had told Sarah to say something, that she had to before in Egypt. He told her to tell everyone that she was Abraham's sister, not wife. Previously, in Egypt, God had Pharoh's household come down with some sort of disease, then Pharoh told Abraham to take his wife and belongings and to go. During this time, however something a little different happened. When I was reading Genesis 20 something struck me. God was protecting Sarah's womb! One reason why I believe this is because both Pharoh's and Abimelek's households came down with diseases. I got to wondering if they came down with the same ones. It doesn't specify in Genesis 12 what kind of sickness Pharoh's household got, but in Genesis 20:17-18 it says:
"Then Abraham prayed to God, and God healed Abimelek, his wife and his female slaves so they could have children again, for the Lord had kept all the women in Abimelek’s household from conceiving because of Abraham’s wife Sarah."
Since, my thoughts are a little jumbled, I need to rewind. God came to the king in a dream basically saying "You're dead meat, you took another man's wife". Thankfully, Abimelek had not touched her and was able to undo Abraham's wrong, thus vindicating his own actions, not matter how oblivious he was.
Through the last chapter, I began to realize something that I believe holds great importance. First off, once again, Abraham was caught not trusting God and lied instead. He was a sub-par spiritual leader in these instances, because of his fear. How much heartbreak would his wife have to endure because of his Jell-O for a backbone? I don't think Abraham was terrible, but it is interesting to me that instead of staying upright and walking righteously, he looked down and stumbled. This alone shows that Abraham was no different than us. God's circumstances placed on him, and his choices are what made him different.
As I stated earlier, God was protecting Sarah's womb. He had a very specific plan for her. One that He would not even allow kings of men to interrupt or alter. Since God had such a specific plan for Sarah, that means that He had a specific time for Isaac to be born. Sure, God could have given them more children, and Isaac could have still been born at that time. As I read on though, I am intrigued to find out why Isaac needed to be born. Some thoughts that immediately popped into my head was the culture of the day. I am guessing that Abraham was with Sarah at least 80 years (and I think I am being generous because that's assuming Sarah would have been 20 and Abraham would have been 21, well over the age of betrothal in those days). Imagine how much would change. Almost a century. Imagine the last 80 years of our own history. Why did God need Isaac then? Why not earlier? Why did God have Sarah walk this path? What insights and growing did she have from her own life that needed to be implemented in Isaac's?
Judy has consistently told us, that this time in our lives is a preparation time. Looking at both Abraham's and Sarah's walks and doubts with the Lord, makes me realize that this time is exactly that. The same questions I am asking about God protecting Sarah's womb, are the questions I am asking myself. What do I need to learn, to shape the child(ren) God has for us? What does Simeon need to learn? What is the reason God is waiting to give us a child?
Many nights I have laid awake thinking that this is punishment, that we are not good enough Christians, that we are the reason why. To be honest, there will probably be other times I will think that as well. But seeing these two pillars of the Bible, with all of their faults, be set aside for a very designated purpose for God, brings me hope. It makes me realize that God isn't hurting me, he is protecting me. And even if He isn't doing that, He is protecting my children that are in Heaven, and waiting for the perfect time, for me to either carry full term, or adopt, in order for them to be used for His glory. This isn't about having kids...it is about trusting Him with the ones He has given us, including His timing.
I am sorry that my thoughts are so mumbled. I was thinking of this as I was falling asleep and usually I write when I have a clear picture of what I want it to read as. I was so intrigued and excited about what I felt was a new found discovery, that I just couldn't keep all my thoughts straight.
So, I don't have a ton of thoughts for you today. We are still on Abraham and Sarah, before they had Isaac. After Abraham pleads with God for Lot's family in Soddom, to not be destroyed along with the wicked, he heads to the Negev, which was under King Abimelek's rule. Abraham had told Sarah to say something, that she had to before in Egypt. He told her to tell everyone that she was Abraham's sister, not wife. Previously, in Egypt, God had Pharoh's household come down with some sort of disease, then Pharoh told Abraham to take his wife and belongings and to go. During this time, however something a little different happened. When I was reading Genesis 20 something struck me. God was protecting Sarah's womb! One reason why I believe this is because both Pharoh's and Abimelek's households came down with diseases. I got to wondering if they came down with the same ones. It doesn't specify in Genesis 12 what kind of sickness Pharoh's household got, but in Genesis 20:17-18 it says:
"Then Abraham prayed to God, and God healed Abimelek, his wife and his female slaves so they could have children again, for the Lord had kept all the women in Abimelek’s household from conceiving because of Abraham’s wife Sarah."
Since, my thoughts are a little jumbled, I need to rewind. God came to the king in a dream basically saying "You're dead meat, you took another man's wife". Thankfully, Abimelek had not touched her and was able to undo Abraham's wrong, thus vindicating his own actions, not matter how oblivious he was.
Through the last chapter, I began to realize something that I believe holds great importance. First off, once again, Abraham was caught not trusting God and lied instead. He was a sub-par spiritual leader in these instances, because of his fear. How much heartbreak would his wife have to endure because of his Jell-O for a backbone? I don't think Abraham was terrible, but it is interesting to me that instead of staying upright and walking righteously, he looked down and stumbled. This alone shows that Abraham was no different than us. God's circumstances placed on him, and his choices are what made him different.
As I stated earlier, God was protecting Sarah's womb. He had a very specific plan for her. One that He would not even allow kings of men to interrupt or alter. Since God had such a specific plan for Sarah, that means that He had a specific time for Isaac to be born. Sure, God could have given them more children, and Isaac could have still been born at that time. As I read on though, I am intrigued to find out why Isaac needed to be born. Some thoughts that immediately popped into my head was the culture of the day. I am guessing that Abraham was with Sarah at least 80 years (and I think I am being generous because that's assuming Sarah would have been 20 and Abraham would have been 21, well over the age of betrothal in those days). Imagine how much would change. Almost a century. Imagine the last 80 years of our own history. Why did God need Isaac then? Why not earlier? Why did God have Sarah walk this path? What insights and growing did she have from her own life that needed to be implemented in Isaac's?
Judy has consistently told us, that this time in our lives is a preparation time. Looking at both Abraham's and Sarah's walks and doubts with the Lord, makes me realize that this time is exactly that. The same questions I am asking about God protecting Sarah's womb, are the questions I am asking myself. What do I need to learn, to shape the child(ren) God has for us? What does Simeon need to learn? What is the reason God is waiting to give us a child?
Many nights I have laid awake thinking that this is punishment, that we are not good enough Christians, that we are the reason why. To be honest, there will probably be other times I will think that as well. But seeing these two pillars of the Bible, with all of their faults, be set aside for a very designated purpose for God, brings me hope. It makes me realize that God isn't hurting me, he is protecting me. And even if He isn't doing that, He is protecting my children that are in Heaven, and waiting for the perfect time, for me to either carry full term, or adopt, in order for them to be used for His glory. This isn't about having kids...it is about trusting Him with the ones He has given us, including His timing.
I am sorry that my thoughts are so mumbled. I was thinking of this as I was falling asleep and usually I write when I have a clear picture of what I want it to read as. I was so intrigued and excited about what I felt was a new found discovery, that I just couldn't keep all my thoughts straight.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
If God...
If God can use a perfect woman,
Who ate from the forbidden tree,
Who took a bite and then influenced Adam,
Who then became ashamed of her body....
...If God can use Eve, HE can use me.
If God can use a mocking woman,
Who didn't believe she'd have a son,
One who laughed when given a promise,
Who then lied to God about laughing...
...If God can use Sarah, HE can use me.
If Gods can use a deceptive woman,
Who pretended to be a harlot,
One who skillfully deceived Judah,
In order to have sons for him...
...If God can use Tamar, HE can use me.
If God can use a seductive woman,
One who had hid the Israelite spies,
One who helped 2 men escape the city,
Who lived because of her faith in God...
...If God can use Rahab, HE can use me.
If God can use a Moabite woman,
Who remained loyal to her mother-in-law,
One who knew nothing of Naomi's customs,
Who slept at the feet of an unknown man...
...If God can use Ruth, HE can use me.
If God can use a beautiful woman,
Who caused a king of Israel to stumble,
Who had a child with him outside of God's Will,
Who bore a son to David, when her husband died...
...If God can use Bathsheba, HE can use me.
If God can use an ordinary woman,
Who had not yet laid with a man,
who probably suffered public ridicule,
One who still desired to do God's Will...
...If God can use Mary, HE can use me.
I wrote this about 4 years ago, during the prime of my insecurities and sin-stained nature. Wondering why or what He would choose me for. Never did I imagine in a thousand years, that this would be part of my story. While I was reading about Sarai yesterday, I remembered this and went back to read it. I realized, that there are some upright, outstanding women, and there are some sinful women, who still had faith. I wonder if looking back on their lives, if any of them recognized what God's ultimate purpose was. I wonder if they were able to help other women, and if they did. Today, I am thanking God for my miscarriages, because it is putting some of the women in the Bible in a whole new light in my eyes. Not in a "light bulb!" sense, but in a way that I feel that I can relate to some of them, even though centuries have passed between then and now. I can see what others might not be able to see. I can think of the fear, the self blame, the shame, and most importantly the sadness. I have felt lately, that we put men and women of the Bible upon a pedestal. They were men and women just like us, trying to be set aside from the pressures of the world. Trying to believe, trying to trust, ultimately choosing trust and faith over their own thoughts. And just look how they changed nations, lineages, thousands of people--it blows me away. This new found outlook on the beginning stories that lead to Christ, makes me thankful. Not thankful for miscarriages, but thankful that right now, just a particle of one scale has fell from my "Christly Outlook". Excited to see what else will fall from my eyes.
Just one thought I wanted to share with all of you that I can't remember if I have or not, is that, the reason this is so hard for us is because we have never taken care of the previous miscarriages before this. Every time, we have become pregnant before dealing with the full extent of our hardships, and every time, it has compounded upon the last. Please be understanding of this. We are trying the best we can, and sometimes, we know that isn't enough. We are not angry, or upset, but we just pray that each of you can allow for some patience and prayers our way. Thank you so much for reading this blog (if you do). I have always loved writing, but never thought this would be the avenue to do such.
Who ate from the forbidden tree,
Who took a bite and then influenced Adam,
Who then became ashamed of her body....
...If God can use Eve, HE can use me.
If God can use a mocking woman,
Who didn't believe she'd have a son,
One who laughed when given a promise,
Who then lied to God about laughing...
...If God can use Sarah, HE can use me.
If Gods can use a deceptive woman,
Who pretended to be a harlot,
One who skillfully deceived Judah,
In order to have sons for him...
...If God can use Tamar, HE can use me.
If God can use a seductive woman,
One who had hid the Israelite spies,
One who helped 2 men escape the city,
Who lived because of her faith in God...
...If God can use Rahab, HE can use me.
If God can use a Moabite woman,
Who remained loyal to her mother-in-law,
One who knew nothing of Naomi's customs,
Who slept at the feet of an unknown man...
...If God can use Ruth, HE can use me.
If God can use a beautiful woman,
Who caused a king of Israel to stumble,
Who had a child with him outside of God's Will,
Who bore a son to David, when her husband died...
...If God can use Bathsheba, HE can use me.
If God can use an ordinary woman,
Who had not yet laid with a man,
who probably suffered public ridicule,
One who still desired to do God's Will...
...If God can use Mary, HE can use me.
I wrote this about 4 years ago, during the prime of my insecurities and sin-stained nature. Wondering why or what He would choose me for. Never did I imagine in a thousand years, that this would be part of my story. While I was reading about Sarai yesterday, I remembered this and went back to read it. I realized, that there are some upright, outstanding women, and there are some sinful women, who still had faith. I wonder if looking back on their lives, if any of them recognized what God's ultimate purpose was. I wonder if they were able to help other women, and if they did. Today, I am thanking God for my miscarriages, because it is putting some of the women in the Bible in a whole new light in my eyes. Not in a "light bulb!" sense, but in a way that I feel that I can relate to some of them, even though centuries have passed between then and now. I can see what others might not be able to see. I can think of the fear, the self blame, the shame, and most importantly the sadness. I have felt lately, that we put men and women of the Bible upon a pedestal. They were men and women just like us, trying to be set aside from the pressures of the world. Trying to believe, trying to trust, ultimately choosing trust and faith over their own thoughts. And just look how they changed nations, lineages, thousands of people--it blows me away. This new found outlook on the beginning stories that lead to Christ, makes me thankful. Not thankful for miscarriages, but thankful that right now, just a particle of one scale has fell from my "Christly Outlook". Excited to see what else will fall from my eyes.
Just one thought I wanted to share with all of you that I can't remember if I have or not, is that, the reason this is so hard for us is because we have never taken care of the previous miscarriages before this. Every time, we have become pregnant before dealing with the full extent of our hardships, and every time, it has compounded upon the last. Please be understanding of this. We are trying the best we can, and sometimes, we know that isn't enough. We are not angry, or upset, but we just pray that each of you can allow for some patience and prayers our way. Thank you so much for reading this blog (if you do). I have always loved writing, but never thought this would be the avenue to do such.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Has God Given Me a Name?
So on my way home from the farm today, I decided to start listening to the Bible. Luckily, if you have a smart phone and the "You Version" Bible app, you can do it for free, as long as you have either 3G or WiFi connection. Simeon and I have been reading as we listen along...it demands more focus and leaves little room for our minds to wander.
Now before I tell you what I have thought about today, I want to explain something. As our wonderful counselors urged us, we are starting at the beginning of the Bible instead of focusing on certain areas that might "help" us more. She explained starting at the beginning would create a stronger foundation, because seeing God from the start, instead of a snippet here and a snippet there, lays brick by brick, strength by strength, promise by promise. By doing something from "here and there" we are laying a foundation of sand. This made total sense to Simeon and me.
Right now, we are on Genesis 16-17. To be honest, I have been dreading these chapters because they are about the promise of a child to Abram and Sarai (at the moment, these are their names). But honestly, they weren't too bad. Emotional? Yes. Terrible? No.
The first thing I noticed about the story of Abram, relating to children, was that he seemed to really want an heir. I am sure that he wanted a child as well, but it almost looked as if he were more worried about giving his possessions to a slave of his. (Genesis 15:2) Now, that doesn't seem like such a big deal, but as I kept listening, I realized that God's promise to Abram, was a promise that seemingly addressed his fear of never having an heir, not necessarily just about having his child, but about having many descendants. (Genesis 15:4-5) Abraham believed him (vs. 6). Now an interesting twist, was that the Lord then told him about the land of the Chaldeans that he would gain possession of. Interestingly enough, that was the thing Abram questioned God about (vs. 8-15) Not about having an heir, but about gaining a land. Both equally difficult promises to believe, but Abram chose to believe God about the baby instead of the land. Maybe I am in a really difficult place, or maybe I don't quite understand the expansive kingdom of the Chaldeans, but Abram had a wealth of men, and he could call Lot to his aid at anytime. To me, the promise of the land seemed to be easier to take in, than the promise of a child, which he could not control at all. And really, God promised him descendants to outnumber the stars. Say whoa.
Okay, the next thing I was thinking about was God had changed both Abram's and Sarai's (after promising Abraham "by this time next year" and Sarai overhearing and laughing) names. There are also other instances of human's being renamed in the Bible. Some by themselves and some by God. It makes me wonder what God calls me when He thinks of me. Does He call me "Mara" for bitter? Or does He call me something else when He sees what He has for me? Does He change what He calls me?
Now the last thing I have been thinking about. Maybe I am crazy, but I don't think every promise in the Bible is directed toward me. I am not going to win land like Abram. Honestly, maybe God's promises for me have nothing to do with being pregnant, but rather, adoption. I don't know. I firmly believe that there are promises in the Bible that are for everyone. God promised never to destroy the earth by flood again, and He hasn't. But honestly, I might not be a Hannah, or a Sarah. I might just be Kristen. God might have His very own promises for me, separate of women and men of the Bible. I am leery to say all of this because it is wide open for criticism and debate.
Which brings me to the very next thing that can be widely judged that Simeon and I have recently come to a decision about. With the help of the story of Abraham and Sarah, we have decided to forgo any testing of what can be causing this, or going wrong. Yes, the Bible is ancient, and honestly, this is a harder road of the two, but we both feel at complete peace with this decision. Sarai took matters into her own hands and gave her husband her slave. As many believers know, we know what became of Ishmael's descendants. Not to mention, her slave ran away because there was a mutual bitterness and level of dislike between them. I was thinking about how Sarai must have felt. Years of being with her husband, and after a short while, this woman, her slave, was able to conceive and carry full-term, while Sarai was not. How could Sarai not shoulder the blame of being barren? How quickly her heart must have sank with the realization that she was the cause, not her husband? How difficult for Abram to have to understand her, and be the man that she needed him to be, when she had given him her slave...when he had a duty to that woman and his unborn child. My heart breaks for some of the realization that dawned on me today. Back to the point, I firmly believe that much heartbreak and hurt could have been avoided if Sarai had just trusted God, and if Abram and trusted and led Sarai in the correct decision.
We still believe our God is the Lord of miracles. Many can make the argument that God gave us doctors, when I don't know about that. God gave doctors, because of the curse, which He has full and overwhelming control over. This doesn't mean that I won't go to a doctor, but it does mean that I am not going to go everywhere, trying to find an answer, when I believe my answer is in God. My trust is in Him. My hope is in Him--not humans. I may never be able to carry full term. I may be able to, GOD is the only one that knows. To be truthful, another reason is because Simeon and I are not opposed to adoption. It makes no sense to us to spend money on something that could or could not be the answer to our miscarriages, that may or may not be able to be fixed. That money, could be saved, and put towards adoption, or even helping some one else adopt. Bluntly, we feel researching is not only forcing God's hand and putting our trust in humans, but also being selfish. The only thing I ask is that you not think we are crazy, or pass judgement upon us. Please don't criticize or gossip with others. Pray that if we are wrong, God will not let us be, and if we are right, that He affirms it. The decision on our future is not even our's to pass but ultimately, God's. We feel we are meeting Him right where He wants us.
Also, we are starting to research adoption in earnest. We are not starting the process. This is not the time to start the process, we need to deal with our miscarriages and grief. When we feel we are where God wants us to be, we will stop hindering pregnancy, and/or start the process of adoption, whichever way we feel the Lord is leading us to.
As I have been saying in previous posts, not everyday is bad. But because I usually write once a week or so, everything accumulates and the feelings overwhelm what Simeon and I have learned along the way. I pray that everyone understands I know that my feelings aren't truth--they're just feelings. But to be honest, typing away on this helps me. It helps me weed through thoughts, let others know what I am feeling, and honestly, just connect to the best of my personal ability right now. I do not want others to walk on eggshells around me. I do want them to be mindful of where I am at, but I want them to be able to experience their joy as well. Truthfully, it just can't be around me right now. Some of my favorite moments through all this pain, is when someone talks to us to understand where we are at. Just being understanding. Nothing more. Just letting us talk to them, and letting us be understood. The feeling of validation is nice to feel. Knowing that we are more than "that couple that keeps miscarrying", to feel better than a plague. Okay, that's it. I am done.
Now before I tell you what I have thought about today, I want to explain something. As our wonderful counselors urged us, we are starting at the beginning of the Bible instead of focusing on certain areas that might "help" us more. She explained starting at the beginning would create a stronger foundation, because seeing God from the start, instead of a snippet here and a snippet there, lays brick by brick, strength by strength, promise by promise. By doing something from "here and there" we are laying a foundation of sand. This made total sense to Simeon and me.
Right now, we are on Genesis 16-17. To be honest, I have been dreading these chapters because they are about the promise of a child to Abram and Sarai (at the moment, these are their names). But honestly, they weren't too bad. Emotional? Yes. Terrible? No.
The first thing I noticed about the story of Abram, relating to children, was that he seemed to really want an heir. I am sure that he wanted a child as well, but it almost looked as if he were more worried about giving his possessions to a slave of his. (Genesis 15:2) Now, that doesn't seem like such a big deal, but as I kept listening, I realized that God's promise to Abram, was a promise that seemingly addressed his fear of never having an heir, not necessarily just about having his child, but about having many descendants. (Genesis 15:4-5) Abraham believed him (vs. 6). Now an interesting twist, was that the Lord then told him about the land of the Chaldeans that he would gain possession of. Interestingly enough, that was the thing Abram questioned God about (vs. 8-15) Not about having an heir, but about gaining a land. Both equally difficult promises to believe, but Abram chose to believe God about the baby instead of the land. Maybe I am in a really difficult place, or maybe I don't quite understand the expansive kingdom of the Chaldeans, but Abram had a wealth of men, and he could call Lot to his aid at anytime. To me, the promise of the land seemed to be easier to take in, than the promise of a child, which he could not control at all. And really, God promised him descendants to outnumber the stars. Say whoa.
Okay, the next thing I was thinking about was God had changed both Abram's and Sarai's (after promising Abraham "by this time next year" and Sarai overhearing and laughing) names. There are also other instances of human's being renamed in the Bible. Some by themselves and some by God. It makes me wonder what God calls me when He thinks of me. Does He call me "Mara" for bitter? Or does He call me something else when He sees what He has for me? Does He change what He calls me?
Now the last thing I have been thinking about. Maybe I am crazy, but I don't think every promise in the Bible is directed toward me. I am not going to win land like Abram. Honestly, maybe God's promises for me have nothing to do with being pregnant, but rather, adoption. I don't know. I firmly believe that there are promises in the Bible that are for everyone. God promised never to destroy the earth by flood again, and He hasn't. But honestly, I might not be a Hannah, or a Sarah. I might just be Kristen. God might have His very own promises for me, separate of women and men of the Bible. I am leery to say all of this because it is wide open for criticism and debate.
Which brings me to the very next thing that can be widely judged that Simeon and I have recently come to a decision about. With the help of the story of Abraham and Sarah, we have decided to forgo any testing of what can be causing this, or going wrong. Yes, the Bible is ancient, and honestly, this is a harder road of the two, but we both feel at complete peace with this decision. Sarai took matters into her own hands and gave her husband her slave. As many believers know, we know what became of Ishmael's descendants. Not to mention, her slave ran away because there was a mutual bitterness and level of dislike between them. I was thinking about how Sarai must have felt. Years of being with her husband, and after a short while, this woman, her slave, was able to conceive and carry full-term, while Sarai was not. How could Sarai not shoulder the blame of being barren? How quickly her heart must have sank with the realization that she was the cause, not her husband? How difficult for Abram to have to understand her, and be the man that she needed him to be, when she had given him her slave...when he had a duty to that woman and his unborn child. My heart breaks for some of the realization that dawned on me today. Back to the point, I firmly believe that much heartbreak and hurt could have been avoided if Sarai had just trusted God, and if Abram and trusted and led Sarai in the correct decision.
We still believe our God is the Lord of miracles. Many can make the argument that God gave us doctors, when I don't know about that. God gave doctors, because of the curse, which He has full and overwhelming control over. This doesn't mean that I won't go to a doctor, but it does mean that I am not going to go everywhere, trying to find an answer, when I believe my answer is in God. My trust is in Him. My hope is in Him--not humans. I may never be able to carry full term. I may be able to, GOD is the only one that knows. To be truthful, another reason is because Simeon and I are not opposed to adoption. It makes no sense to us to spend money on something that could or could not be the answer to our miscarriages, that may or may not be able to be fixed. That money, could be saved, and put towards adoption, or even helping some one else adopt. Bluntly, we feel researching is not only forcing God's hand and putting our trust in humans, but also being selfish. The only thing I ask is that you not think we are crazy, or pass judgement upon us. Please don't criticize or gossip with others. Pray that if we are wrong, God will not let us be, and if we are right, that He affirms it. The decision on our future is not even our's to pass but ultimately, God's. We feel we are meeting Him right where He wants us.
Also, we are starting to research adoption in earnest. We are not starting the process. This is not the time to start the process, we need to deal with our miscarriages and grief. When we feel we are where God wants us to be, we will stop hindering pregnancy, and/or start the process of adoption, whichever way we feel the Lord is leading us to.
As I have been saying in previous posts, not everyday is bad. But because I usually write once a week or so, everything accumulates and the feelings overwhelm what Simeon and I have learned along the way. I pray that everyone understands I know that my feelings aren't truth--they're just feelings. But to be honest, typing away on this helps me. It helps me weed through thoughts, let others know what I am feeling, and honestly, just connect to the best of my personal ability right now. I do not want others to walk on eggshells around me. I do want them to be mindful of where I am at, but I want them to be able to experience their joy as well. Truthfully, it just can't be around me right now. Some of my favorite moments through all this pain, is when someone talks to us to understand where we are at. Just being understanding. Nothing more. Just letting us talk to them, and letting us be understood. The feeling of validation is nice to feel. Knowing that we are more than "that couple that keeps miscarrying", to feel better than a plague. Okay, that's it. I am done.
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Hearty Vegetable Minestrone (Crock Pot)
I found this recipe online on a health blog. After trying it, I made a few adjustments and this is what I came up with, fairly delicious and satisfying for a couple of people that are fasting! This recipe makes a HUGE amount, so be careful! I made the whole recipe on purpose, knowing it would be lunch, supper, and probably snacks for the next week.
You will need:
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You will need:
- A LARGE Crock Pot!
- 2 medium zucchinis, chopped
- 3 medium yellow summer squash, chopped
- 1 cup baby carrots (or 3 medium carrots), chopped
- 4 stalks of celery, chopped
- 1 medium onion, chopped
- 1 medium red bell pepper, chopped
- 2 tablespoons minced garlic
- 1 15 oz. can great northern beans, drained and rinsed
- 1, 15 oz can black beans, drained and rinsed
- 1, 15 oz can red beans, drained and rinsed
- 1 1/2 cups sliced mushrooms
- 2 large cans diced tomatoes with basil, oregano, and garlic (it's out there people)
- 1 box vegetable broth
- 2 tablespoons, beef base
- 2 teaspoons oregano
- Salt and pepper to taste
First off, wash ALL of your veggies. All of the ones I got were covered in a waxy residue to keep the produce from spoiling. Next chop up the squashes, carrots, celery, onion, and pepper. Put it all in the crock pot. Drain and rinse the beans, and put those, along with garlic and remaining ingredients in the crock pot.
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Set on high for 6-7 hours.
*You may notice the green beans in the soup. It is what the recipe called for, although I didn't quite care for the texture in the soup. Also, this soup is so good, you could probably just add and omit whatever vegetables you like. Happy eating!
FYI, this soup is super healthy!
Lack Nothing.
February 1st marked a change in me. A change, that I now realize, makes my life even harder than anything I have had to deal with before.
I have been through some pretty rough stuff in life. As Chuck Swindoll once taught on our Alaskan Cruise, "Everybody's been shot". As I do realize that everyone has been shot, I sit here wondering, how often, and if it is in the same place as others. Of course not. Everyone has their own thread being woven into the tapestry of the Lord.
What I do sit here wondering even more than that though, is how often we love each other. How often we judge people on their actions, when we have no idea what God has asked them to do, what forest He has chosen for them to walk through. What storms in their lives they have had to endure. What valleys they have had to stumble through. What deserts they had to wander through.
Then I found myself asking... WHY AM I JUDGING?! I am judging everyone else for judging me! I am judging the way they act around me, without knowing what they themselves are going through. It makes my heart break that I am so angry at others, when I am doing exactly what they are...even more so. I am focusing on my own heartbreak and pain, without caring about them. Jesus sweat blood for me--he focused on the pain he would endure for a moment, then handed it over to his Father. He trusted his Father, that the plan His Father had, was greater than the pain he would ever have to go through.
I am not there. I wish I were. I hope to be one day. I pray that I can endure this to see the plan God has for Simeon and me. Right now, it's still this heart-wrenching, gut-tearing, searing pain. The best I can do right now, is ignore it. The best I can do right now, is avoid it. The best I can do right now, is pretend not to be bothered when others talk about their children, or soon-to-be children. The best I can do right now, is to ask God for sleep because I absolutely cannot think about our children, that we will not meet until we are in Heaven.
Recently, Simeon and I have realized that we need help. We need counseling. This was a monumentally humbling decision for me. For years, I have had to go to counseling, because everything was my fault, because I was the problem, because my father abused me because of me, because I was a liar, because I couldn't handle things well. It hurts to go to counseling for those reasons. I have realized now, that yeah, I have had issues, but they weren't just issues that I decided to have. They are and were issues that were created by outside forces, ones that I acted upon. It was the moment I acted upon the actions, that created the problem. The realization that I needed help, because I cannot handle this myself, that I cannot keep taking it out on my loving husband, that I cannot keep looking at happy women and families with hatred. I needed help. I still need help.
The people we have chosen to counsel us, are very dear and near to our hearts. They reached out to us with our second miscarriage, walked and prayed with us during our third pregnancy, and cried their hearts out with us during the miscarriage as well. They have been an unbending light in the valley of darkness. Something they said in the last meeting, was that God is preparing us for our family. That God was the one who put the desire for family into our hearts.
This brought up a slew of questions I wished were answered. Does that mean that everyone else who is able to carry full term (I know there's hope, but I am looking at the track record right now) is prepared? Does that mean the teenagers who could care less about their child, are prepared? Does that mean that we are unfit to be parents right now? Does that mean God can't trust us? What does that mean?! Add these to all the other questions, and you can see why I am consistently asking God for sleep.
So aside from counseling, I have made some pretty drastic changes. For one, I got a Y membership. I even have a GREAT workout partner that asks me when we are going (Shout out to KIM!). I have a goal, to reach the healthy size I was when I met Simeon. I no longer want to blame myself for miscarrying on the health side of things. I am changing our lifestyle and recipes...healthier versions. We are fasting, reading, and praying...more earnestly than ever before and of our own accord. And, when the time is right, when we feel like God is telling us we are prepared enough, we will once again start to trust unwaveringly, and stop preventing pregnancy. We will find the plan God has for us and follow it through to the end.
Since I know this is already undyingly long, I will leave you with a verse that has really stuck with me. In the Amplified Version, Psalm 23:1 reads like this, "The Lord is my Shepherd [to feed, guide, and shield me], I shall not lack." For years I have read it as 'want', not really noticing that I was looking at it completely wrong, and years of others passing over it and looking at it wrong as well. It doesn't mean that I won't want for anything. It just means that my God will provide for me. That He cares for me and doesn't just give me whatever I want.
Also, look for the next post! There will be a soup recipe with subpar pictures (seeing as I left my camera at church!)!
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