There are a few things I have learned from being a new mom. Changing, feeding, managing time, and some of Addie's cries are a few things that come to mind. Want to know what I have learned the most though? Patience. Want to know what I am learning the most of? Patience.
For anyone who knows me, I am not a patient person. In fact "slow to anger" does not describe me at all. I am working on it--I have been for the last 4 years in earnest, so now I am much slower to anger, but there are those things that still rile me up quite quickly.
So, the one thing I have learned about being a mom is that it simply takes patience to adjust to a new way of life. When we first brought our daughter home, I was over the moon. I looked at her and was floored that I am her mother. I sat in disbelief and awe. Sometimes, I still do. There's another side of this that I was not expecting. The very first day she cried all day and would barely calm down, I felt like the worst mother in the world. She just cried and cried. That insecurity drove me very quickly to frustration. That frustration built and built and built. Addie was on the changing table and I remember staring at the ceiling and just screaming out, "I know I am a terrible mother, okay?!". Truly, I know that I am not a terrible mother, but not being able to calm your little one certainly makes one feel as such--especially when someone is new to the whole "mom" thing.
2 1/2 months into her life, I feel like I finally have somewhat of a clue. There is a new normal and my patience is higher. However, just because I have a higher tolerance level, does not mean that it will not be continued to be tested. In such a short time of becoming a mother, one thing has become almost painfully clear to me. Just how patient with me is my God, my Heavenly Father?
I throw tantrums when I don't get my way. I cry out in emotional pain and don't stop. I am clingy and needy. I am insecure and cry out to Him constantly. Yet...He sits there, taking it all, being slow to anger, and loving me just the same. As a mother, I pray that this aspect of my Lord is one that I can exhibit to my daughter. My love will never be enough for her, but I pray that my love and patience is what will help urge her into a relationship with our Father. I pray that in all circumstances, she grows up seeing a direct reflection of the characteristics of God.
As I was thinking about the past month, I was thinking about what products I would recommend to have. Reading blogs is just so confusing. I wish there were a pretty good list, and babies are so different to know what to get! In future posts, I will be giving my opinions on what to get for going to the hospital, 1-3 months, 4-6 months, 7-9 months, and 10-12 months. I will try for it to make as much sense as possible, with some flexibility.
Thursday, January 15, 2015
Friday, January 2, 2015
He Allows Growth
As I was putting away clean laundry today, I realized that Addie no longer fits into most newborn clothes. I packed them away and wondered if I was really sad about her growing and I came to the conclusion that I am not. Her growth means that as a parent, I am doing something right. I get to see her grow, learn and absorb the world around her. I get to see her smiles, and her personality develop. Last year my verse was "Be still and know that I am God." I choose to be still in the growth of my daughter. I am not sad for the times of growth, nor am I anxiously awaiting her TO grow. I am being joyful in each stage of her life, right where she is. I rejoice in knowing that she is growing.
I hope that I can keep this focus. I believe that it will translate into other areas of her life. I pray that with this attitude, she realizes that she is fine just where she is. She doesn't have to grow up and please me. She doesn't have to stay little to please me. She has to learn and grow at her pace, her time, and in the way God created her to. I pray that if I keep this focus, she grows confident in where God has her.
Bottom line, I pray that she understands the meaning of "Being Still". I pray that as a mother, I can be patient and not force her to grow up or expect things of her before she is ready to achieve them. I pray that as she reaches and achieves and learns that I am there, cheering her on, encouraging her to the point that she can be confident enough to do virtually anything. I pray that I neither hold her back, nor push her before she is ready.
So, I guess that "being still" is still kind of my phrase for yet another year. It pairs perfectly with "peace in every situation" phrase I have chosen for this year. As she grows and learns, I pray that I allow God to create a spirit of learning in my own heart.
I hope that I can keep this focus. I believe that it will translate into other areas of her life. I pray that with this attitude, she realizes that she is fine just where she is. She doesn't have to grow up and please me. She doesn't have to stay little to please me. She has to learn and grow at her pace, her time, and in the way God created her to. I pray that if I keep this focus, she grows confident in where God has her.
Bottom line, I pray that she understands the meaning of "Being Still". I pray that as a mother, I can be patient and not force her to grow up or expect things of her before she is ready to achieve them. I pray that as she reaches and achieves and learns that I am there, cheering her on, encouraging her to the point that she can be confident enough to do virtually anything. I pray that I neither hold her back, nor push her before she is ready.
So, I guess that "being still" is still kind of my phrase for yet another year. It pairs perfectly with "peace in every situation" phrase I have chosen for this year. As she grows and learns, I pray that I allow God to create a spirit of learning in my own heart.
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
He is New
It is 12:26 am on New Year's Day. The first New Year's Simeon and I have stayed up for in at least three years (the irony of staying up the first year we have a newborn and going to bed early the other three years without one is not lost on me). I am sitting at home, hoping for a reflective spirit of the year behind and of the year ahead, whilst my wonderful husband is retrieving my forgotten phone from our friends's house...again.
Aside from the Times Square celebration playing on the TV, there was no cheering for 2015, no special kiss at midnight, no confetti. This evening, there were friends and families gathered, games played, and conversations shared. 2015 isn't really a new beginning, there's no clean slate, things that happened December 31, 2014, are still going to happen January 1, 2015 (with the exception of messing up checks).
There is always a spirit of new-ness when the new year rings in, though. Why do we crave the resolutions, the new, the clean, the refreshed? We crave Him. We crave the newness of life, the cleanliness, and the refreshment that only He, our Savior and Lord can provide. We celebrate His birth on December 25th every year, but the real joyous occasion, is that we can taste, enjoy and receive the new-ness He has to offer every day of the year.
So this year, let your old bad habits become clean. Let your good habits that have fallen to the wayside become renewed. Sure, go ahead and make that New Year's Resolution. But let Christ make you clean, let God create in you a new heart, and let the Holy Spirit continue to refresh you, because that, is what I am hoping for in the year 2015--that He continues the good work in me, and that I allow it.
Every year, I find a verse that I seem to speak as my own over the year, one I cling to when I desperately need it. Last year, was a simple "Be still and know that I am your God." This year, is seems to be a little hackneyed since I used it on our Christmas 'card' and our New Year's card, but it is my prayer for the year ahead---I think we will need quite a bit o' peace after all.
Happy New Year, and may it be blessed, indeed!
Aside from the Times Square celebration playing on the TV, there was no cheering for 2015, no special kiss at midnight, no confetti. This evening, there were friends and families gathered, games played, and conversations shared. 2015 isn't really a new beginning, there's no clean slate, things that happened December 31, 2014, are still going to happen January 1, 2015 (with the exception of messing up checks).
There is always a spirit of new-ness when the new year rings in, though. Why do we crave the resolutions, the new, the clean, the refreshed? We crave Him. We crave the newness of life, the cleanliness, and the refreshment that only He, our Savior and Lord can provide. We celebrate His birth on December 25th every year, but the real joyous occasion, is that we can taste, enjoy and receive the new-ness He has to offer every day of the year.
So this year, let your old bad habits become clean. Let your good habits that have fallen to the wayside become renewed. Sure, go ahead and make that New Year's Resolution. But let Christ make you clean, let God create in you a new heart, and let the Holy Spirit continue to refresh you, because that, is what I am hoping for in the year 2015--that He continues the good work in me, and that I allow it.
Every year, I find a verse that I seem to speak as my own over the year, one I cling to when I desperately need it. Last year, was a simple "Be still and know that I am your God." This year, is seems to be a little hackneyed since I used it on our Christmas 'card' and our New Year's card, but it is my prayer for the year ahead---I think we will need quite a bit o' peace after all.
Happy New Year, and may it be blessed, indeed!
"Now may the Lord of peace himself give you his peace at all times and in every situation. The Lord be with you all."
2 Thessalonians 3:16
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
His Cost is Greater
Thanksgiving is tomorrow! Where has the time gone?! As I was sitting here, I had what I was most thankful for. Isn't it obvious? Of course it is our little Adelaide Joy. However, then I got to thinking why I was thankful for her. There's the obvious reasons--ones that you have all heard and gone through with us along the way. Then I thought about the cost of having Addie--and just how brilliant the cost was.
You see, having her cost me so much in life--so very much.
She cost me my bitterness.
She cost me my selfishness,
She cost me my sorrow.
She cost me my fear.
She cost me my hopelessness.
She cost me my anger.
She cost me my self-inflicted loneliness.
She cost me my empty arms.
She cost me my unblemished stomach.
She cost me time with my husband.
She cost me my time to myself.
Having her has cost me, and will continue to cost me these things, and my friends. I am glad.
She cost me my bitterness, and replaced it with sweetness.
She cost me selfishness, and it gave way to selflessness.
She cost me my sorrow, and it blossomed to joy.
She cost my my fear, and it died to courageousness.
She cost me my hopelessness, and it turned to believing.
She cost me my anger, and it melted away to peace.
She cost me my loneliness, and created togetherness.
She cost me my empty arms, and constantly made them full.
She cost my my unblemished stomach and instead I have a permanent reminder of God's faithfulness.
She cost me time with Simeon, and changed it to time as a family.
She cost me time to myself and created time for reflection on God's goodness.
She will continue to "cost" me, test me, and teach me, Some of the "costs" will be hard to accept, some of them will be hard to let go of. I would be lying if I said that having her hasn't made my life easier with less reason for bitterness and anger, God has done more than give me her, in His mercy, He has freed me from so many internal struggles of mine. Oh, they will rear their ugly heads, but when I look at Addie, there will no longer be doubts of God's personalized goodness towards me. So I will take on every sleepless night, every bewildering crying fit, every dirty diaper, and every bit of spit up, because when I look at Addie, I see a promise kept, a truth revealed, and love demonstrated, and I know that it is well with my soul,
When I see the "costs" of Addie, I think of what it cost our Heavenly Father to place Jesus Christ on the cross. To allow it. For that reason, I am even more eternally grateful, and pray with all my might, that Adelaide will one day understand the cost of the Father for her. His cost is so much greater than my own.
* This post was started the day before Thanksgiving, but because of Addie and a family filled weekend, it was not finished until today.
She cost me time with Simeon, and changed it to time as a family.
She cost me time to myself and created time for reflection on God's goodness.
She will continue to "cost" me, test me, and teach me, Some of the "costs" will be hard to accept, some of them will be hard to let go of. I would be lying if I said that having her hasn't made my life easier with less reason for bitterness and anger, God has done more than give me her, in His mercy, He has freed me from so many internal struggles of mine. Oh, they will rear their ugly heads, but when I look at Addie, there will no longer be doubts of God's personalized goodness towards me. So I will take on every sleepless night, every bewildering crying fit, every dirty diaper, and every bit of spit up, because when I look at Addie, I see a promise kept, a truth revealed, and love demonstrated, and I know that it is well with my soul,
When I see the "costs" of Addie, I think of what it cost our Heavenly Father to place Jesus Christ on the cross. To allow it. For that reason, I am even more eternally grateful, and pray with all my might, that Adelaide will one day understand the cost of the Father for her. His cost is so much greater than my own.
* This post was started the day before Thanksgiving, but because of Addie and a family filled weekend, it was not finished until today.
Friday, September 5, 2014
He is Compassionate
So, this is a hard post for me write. It's about this pregnancy and what I have seen through it--and that makes it hard, because I guarantee you that parts of it will come across as complaining and whining, even though that is not my intent, and in saying some of the things, I will feel guilty.
Through this pregnancy, I have tried really hard not to complain. I have probably failed at it--a lot. The weight gain, the stretch marks, the sweating, the peeing, the hormones--all of those things I have taken in stride. However, there are a couple of things that have really bothered me, physically, and emotionally.
Physically, one of the changes have been hard because nothing seems to fit me properly. I have had to spend money on top of money just to have something that fits, is comfortable, and looks like I am not trying to squeeze into something that's half my size. It's hard because it makes it harder to be modest...loose fitting things, have become tight. Things that should go up, instead come down. People notice--men notice. I feel guilty, but also at this point apathetic. It makes my upper back hurt because of how fast it has changed and my back muscles can't keep up with that growth. This isn't a vanity thing.
The other issue are my hips. They hurt. Not when I am walking around throughout the day, but at night, or anytime I lay down to sleep. It's not uncommon to have one hour where I am awake 3 times within that hour. I consistently get 4 hours of sleep, and that is on a good night. Naps are hard too...because it isn't just at nighttime. It's anytime my body is horizontal. Sharp shooting pain drives through my hips and nothing works to alleviate it. I don't complain about this because it's there, I complain about it because I am TRYING to deal with it (and I have been since early on in the second trimester). I am trying solutions that will work. Even my OB and Chiropractor are at a loss for what I should do. I get adjusted at least twice a month, if not more. I go to a massage therapist (although, I forgot to make an appointment, and keep forgetting because it's new to me). Tylenol lasts for such a little time, and pumping my body full of it makes me cringe with fear. If I sit up after laying down, my hip pops--and it is painful. It's not a relief thing, because it goes right back to the pain. I can't control it. I wake up crying and in tears--partially from pain, but mainly because there is so little time I have been able to sleep that I can't properly deal with my emotions.
Why am I telling you this? Simply because when I have told others this, a majority of responses (not all), are not kind. I am writing this to remind you mommas of all the pains and hardships you had in your pregnancies. I am not a naturally sympathetic person when it comes to there being a solution for an issue, that is not being approached. (For example, if one were to complain about being thirsty and doing nothing about it when they are able to.)
Anyways, here's my urge to you all from one extremely physically and emotionally exhausted expecting mother. Be kind. Be compassionate. Be encouraging. Be thoughtful. Be sincere. I have heard the phrases "This is what you've prayed for.", "Oh, but it will be so worth it..."Just you wait until...(fill in the blank)", "But this child is such a blessing...", "It doesn't get any better, so you might as well get used to it now.", and countless other phrases that are similar. I get why these things are being said. I do. They all make sense. However, they all make me feel even worse. I know this is what I prayed for, and I am soooo thankful for it. I am excited by it, anxious for it, exceedingly in awe of this child! This pregnancy is already a blessing, this child IS a blessing--a promise fulfilled and every time I think of how merciful and kind God has been, I am moved to tears. I AGREE with you on these things!!! But it isn't what is needed. Hearing those thoughts make me feel guilty for even thinking about how hard this is--especially the fact that this IS what I prayed for. Does that mean I am not allowed to be in pain? Would you have sympathy for someone who broke their leg in a car accident that wasn't their fault?
The other phrases "Just you wait until...", "It doesn't get any better...", and other things like that make it so hard as well. Where is the hope for better days? I get that motherhood is hard, I really do. I know that right now, I cannot grasp what all that means, and that will have to come at another time, but where is encouragement? Shouldn't we be edifying one another? Honestly, without having the rest I even need to get by, and being so exhausted, emotions have more power over me than I would like. Fear comes in like a monster, fears that really have no place in being there, but are now bigger and badder simply because I am tired.
I beseech you, to be you to be kind. I am aware that I more than likely wasn't kind or showed the same compassion with you that I am asking for now, and for that I apologize. If this is how you felt when you had tried talking to me, I now understand. Yes, I was bitter and thought that "well they have such a blessing, what do they have to complain about?!" and I was selfish. I hate that this is what it has taken me to have that shortcoming so blatantly obvious, and I feel awful that I was not compassionate. Again, I have tried hard not to complain about other things and instead tried to have an attitude of thankfulness for weight gain, and stretch marks, and not shaving any more (which that last one, REALLY is a reason to be thankful!). Those things affect my vanity though, not my physical well being. I am asking for some empathy, encouragement, and compassion instead of the typical comments. I am looking forward to giving birth and letting every single issue I had fade away into the background of the precious new life. But please, right now, be kind. Be kind to Simeon as well, because he hears most of it simply because I don't know who I can talk to about this without feeling guilty. He feels helpless that he can do nothing to help the pain of either my emotions or my body right now.
Through this pregnancy, I can honestly say that after this, I want to be the mom that is understanding of another pregnant mom's pains and issues. It isn't just the physical pain. But physical pain, coupled with physical and emotional exhaustion, makes way for emotions from the enemy to take hold. Let's be kind. Let's be understanding. I hope that this is not a rude post, or a justification for complaining. Simply a post that enlightens how much more one could have to deal with than just the body changes. So much more. Let's bind together in the light and love of Christ, and allow others to hurt, and allow them to not feel guilty for hurting---emotionally, physically, spiritually, and under any circumstance.
Through this pregnancy, I have tried really hard not to complain. I have probably failed at it--a lot. The weight gain, the stretch marks, the sweating, the peeing, the hormones--all of those things I have taken in stride. However, there are a couple of things that have really bothered me, physically, and emotionally.
Physically, one of the changes have been hard because nothing seems to fit me properly. I have had to spend money on top of money just to have something that fits, is comfortable, and looks like I am not trying to squeeze into something that's half my size. It's hard because it makes it harder to be modest...loose fitting things, have become tight. Things that should go up, instead come down. People notice--men notice. I feel guilty, but also at this point apathetic. It makes my upper back hurt because of how fast it has changed and my back muscles can't keep up with that growth. This isn't a vanity thing.
The other issue are my hips. They hurt. Not when I am walking around throughout the day, but at night, or anytime I lay down to sleep. It's not uncommon to have one hour where I am awake 3 times within that hour. I consistently get 4 hours of sleep, and that is on a good night. Naps are hard too...because it isn't just at nighttime. It's anytime my body is horizontal. Sharp shooting pain drives through my hips and nothing works to alleviate it. I don't complain about this because it's there, I complain about it because I am TRYING to deal with it (and I have been since early on in the second trimester). I am trying solutions that will work. Even my OB and Chiropractor are at a loss for what I should do. I get adjusted at least twice a month, if not more. I go to a massage therapist (although, I forgot to make an appointment, and keep forgetting because it's new to me). Tylenol lasts for such a little time, and pumping my body full of it makes me cringe with fear. If I sit up after laying down, my hip pops--and it is painful. It's not a relief thing, because it goes right back to the pain. I can't control it. I wake up crying and in tears--partially from pain, but mainly because there is so little time I have been able to sleep that I can't properly deal with my emotions.
Why am I telling you this? Simply because when I have told others this, a majority of responses (not all), are not kind. I am writing this to remind you mommas of all the pains and hardships you had in your pregnancies. I am not a naturally sympathetic person when it comes to there being a solution for an issue, that is not being approached. (For example, if one were to complain about being thirsty and doing nothing about it when they are able to.)
Anyways, here's my urge to you all from one extremely physically and emotionally exhausted expecting mother. Be kind. Be compassionate. Be encouraging. Be thoughtful. Be sincere. I have heard the phrases "This is what you've prayed for.", "Oh, but it will be so worth it..."Just you wait until...(fill in the blank)", "But this child is such a blessing...", "It doesn't get any better, so you might as well get used to it now.", and countless other phrases that are similar. I get why these things are being said. I do. They all make sense. However, they all make me feel even worse. I know this is what I prayed for, and I am soooo thankful for it. I am excited by it, anxious for it, exceedingly in awe of this child! This pregnancy is already a blessing, this child IS a blessing--a promise fulfilled and every time I think of how merciful and kind God has been, I am moved to tears. I AGREE with you on these things!!! But it isn't what is needed. Hearing those thoughts make me feel guilty for even thinking about how hard this is--especially the fact that this IS what I prayed for. Does that mean I am not allowed to be in pain? Would you have sympathy for someone who broke their leg in a car accident that wasn't their fault?
The other phrases "Just you wait until...", "It doesn't get any better...", and other things like that make it so hard as well. Where is the hope for better days? I get that motherhood is hard, I really do. I know that right now, I cannot grasp what all that means, and that will have to come at another time, but where is encouragement? Shouldn't we be edifying one another? Honestly, without having the rest I even need to get by, and being so exhausted, emotions have more power over me than I would like. Fear comes in like a monster, fears that really have no place in being there, but are now bigger and badder simply because I am tired.
I beseech you, to be you to be kind. I am aware that I more than likely wasn't kind or showed the same compassion with you that I am asking for now, and for that I apologize. If this is how you felt when you had tried talking to me, I now understand. Yes, I was bitter and thought that "well they have such a blessing, what do they have to complain about?!" and I was selfish. I hate that this is what it has taken me to have that shortcoming so blatantly obvious, and I feel awful that I was not compassionate. Again, I have tried hard not to complain about other things and instead tried to have an attitude of thankfulness for weight gain, and stretch marks, and not shaving any more (which that last one, REALLY is a reason to be thankful!). Those things affect my vanity though, not my physical well being. I am asking for some empathy, encouragement, and compassion instead of the typical comments. I am looking forward to giving birth and letting every single issue I had fade away into the background of the precious new life. But please, right now, be kind. Be kind to Simeon as well, because he hears most of it simply because I don't know who I can talk to about this without feeling guilty. He feels helpless that he can do nothing to help the pain of either my emotions or my body right now.
Through this pregnancy, I can honestly say that after this, I want to be the mom that is understanding of another pregnant mom's pains and issues. It isn't just the physical pain. But physical pain, coupled with physical and emotional exhaustion, makes way for emotions from the enemy to take hold. Let's be kind. Let's be understanding. I hope that this is not a rude post, or a justification for complaining. Simply a post that enlightens how much more one could have to deal with than just the body changes. So much more. Let's bind together in the light and love of Christ, and allow others to hurt, and allow them to not feel guilty for hurting---emotionally, physically, spiritually, and under any circumstance.
Thursday, August 28, 2014
Trees of Life
Recently, I shared pictures of our nearly completed nursery on Facebook. There were many comments and "likes" on the project, but I wanted to share just one more thing (or a few) about this room.
It started over 3 years ago, with a free crib, and a new house. We knew what room was to be the nursery...the smallest one. It was painted purple. After 1 supposedly "Light coral" color that ended up looking like a peachy pink, it was changed to brown. After a while, the brown was too dark, but didn't need to be changed, because we were still waiting for that special time of actually being pregnant and not just dreaming about it.
Fast forward 6 months, that happened--then "un-happened" on Christmas Day of 2011. Unsure is the word best used to describe that time. We didn't know we had even been pregnant, so finding out that we had more than likely gone through a miscarriage was...shocking? But it set even a deeper desire to begin a family.
Fast forward 3 months...we found out we were expecting yet again, on the day we went to see Tim Hawkins in Lincoln no less. There were many reasons to smile that night. 2 months later, we lost that child as well. This time, it was crushing.
After that, time seemed to drag on. I remember repainting the nursery for what would be the last and final time. Not because we were expecting, but because I wanted something tangible to do--I called it "operating on faith". It seemed to pay off in a sense because no more than a few months later, we found out that we were indeed expecting...yet again! 3 months later, devastation.
The following year went by and I could not bring myself to go into the room to work on it. If I wasn't watching girls (since toys were primarily in that room), the door remained shut. The door to both the nursery and my hope was closed.
Finally, after a year or more of prayer, we felt being led to adoption. In January of 2014, we stopped trying so hard for a child, and felt confident in our hearts to give another child a home--and not just because we couldn't have any at the time. We resigned our dream, and began another one. Imagine my surprise when that month, I had my first cycle that I had on my own in over a year (something that I had been able to manage with diet and exercise before that just wasn't yielding results this time). And again a month later, when Simeon was gone, and I found out that God was indeed faithful.
I didn't work on the room for a long time. Yes I was excited, but there was so much fear--why bother opening up my heart again, if in a matter of a few weeks, it could very well be crushed again.
This room, this nursery, if you will, is so much more than a room to me. It is so much more than a baby's room, or a nursery, or even a cute room for a child.
This room is hope deferred, but not lost.
This room is preparation when it seemed there was nothing to prepare for.
This room is faithfulness amidst faithlessness.
This room is a labor of love, when there was much bitterness in my heart.
This room is what reminds me of who God is.
This room is what reminds me that "Never once have we ever walked alone"
The trees mean something different in this room. For years, I wondered if I would ever feel a baby kicking inside of me. If my stomach would grow and swell. If Simeon would be a father to his own children. If he would be able to have the expression of awe at feeling baby kick. I dreamed of the day he would first see his first child. For years, hope was deferred. For years it made my heart sick. There are still some longings that have yet to be fulfilled, but there are so many that already have been. Those trees in there, that I painted simply because I liked them and because they went with owls, mean so much more. Those, are trees of life in there, and pretty soon there will be another life in there to enjoy them.
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Many hurts along the way, but a song that will be forever close to my heart, that I have referenced before in this blog, has been Matt Redman's "Never Once". In my opinion, the lyrics speak for themselves, and need no explanation.
It started over 3 years ago, with a free crib, and a new house. We knew what room was to be the nursery...the smallest one. It was painted purple. After 1 supposedly "Light coral" color that ended up looking like a peachy pink, it was changed to brown. After a while, the brown was too dark, but didn't need to be changed, because we were still waiting for that special time of actually being pregnant and not just dreaming about it.
Fast forward 6 months, that happened--then "un-happened" on Christmas Day of 2011. Unsure is the word best used to describe that time. We didn't know we had even been pregnant, so finding out that we had more than likely gone through a miscarriage was...shocking? But it set even a deeper desire to begin a family.
Fast forward 3 months...we found out we were expecting yet again, on the day we went to see Tim Hawkins in Lincoln no less. There were many reasons to smile that night. 2 months later, we lost that child as well. This time, it was crushing.
After that, time seemed to drag on. I remember repainting the nursery for what would be the last and final time. Not because we were expecting, but because I wanted something tangible to do--I called it "operating on faith". It seemed to pay off in a sense because no more than a few months later, we found out that we were indeed expecting...yet again! 3 months later, devastation.
The following year went by and I could not bring myself to go into the room to work on it. If I wasn't watching girls (since toys were primarily in that room), the door remained shut. The door to both the nursery and my hope was closed.
Finally, after a year or more of prayer, we felt being led to adoption. In January of 2014, we stopped trying so hard for a child, and felt confident in our hearts to give another child a home--and not just because we couldn't have any at the time. We resigned our dream, and began another one. Imagine my surprise when that month, I had my first cycle that I had on my own in over a year (something that I had been able to manage with diet and exercise before that just wasn't yielding results this time). And again a month later, when Simeon was gone, and I found out that God was indeed faithful.
I didn't work on the room for a long time. Yes I was excited, but there was so much fear--why bother opening up my heart again, if in a matter of a few weeks, it could very well be crushed again.
This room, this nursery, if you will, is so much more than a room to me. It is so much more than a baby's room, or a nursery, or even a cute room for a child.
This room is hope deferred, but not lost.
This room is preparation when it seemed there was nothing to prepare for.
This room is faithfulness amidst faithlessness.
This room is a labor of love, when there was much bitterness in my heart.
This room is what reminds me of who God is.
This room is what reminds me that "Never once have we ever walked alone"
The trees mean something different in this room. For years, I wondered if I would ever feel a baby kicking inside of me. If my stomach would grow and swell. If Simeon would be a father to his own children. If he would be able to have the expression of awe at feeling baby kick. I dreamed of the day he would first see his first child. For years, hope was deferred. For years it made my heart sick. There are still some longings that have yet to be fulfilled, but there are so many that already have been. Those trees in there, that I painted simply because I liked them and because they went with owls, mean so much more. Those, are trees of life in there, and pretty soon there will be another life in there to enjoy them.
"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but longing fulfilled is a tree of life."
Proverbs 13:12
Many hurts along the way, but a song that will be forever close to my heart, that I have referenced before in this blog, has been Matt Redman's "Never Once". In my opinion, the lyrics speak for themselves, and need no explanation.
"Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful"
Friday, August 22, 2014
He is Still, and Always Moving
It has been quite awhile since I have jotted down anything on this blog--or anywhere for that matter. We've been so busy! Getting carpet cleaned out, painting, getting ready for new doors, trim, and flooring is such a lot of work!
I am officially 29 1/2 weeks pregnant, in my third trimester. First off, let's just have a shout of joy and prayer of gratitude to the magnanimous proportions of God's grace...yes?! Something that's funny is that I am making lists upon lists upon lists. I kid you not "What to do Before Baby, What to Buy Before Baby, Packing for the Hospital, Diaper Bag Organization, What to Clean Before Baby, and Freezer Meals Before Baby" are all lists currently being crossed off...slowly but surely. Amidst all of these lists, I find myself freaking out and feeling prepared at the same time. Yes, I may be overdoing it, yes, these lists wont contain everything, and yes, I will freak out when, and after our baby Berns shows their face! Simeon, bless his heart, has told me many times, that we will be fine and to calm down. He's right, I know he's right--but I want to be prepared. I want to enjoy this process of pregnancy, birth, and the arrival of our boy or girl as much as possible, and I feel like if we will be unprepared, then I won't be able to do that. Having a child is hard right?
This week, during all of my crazy hare-brained schemes to finish flooring and all the details that come with it, I was thinking about how Psalm 46:10 says
I daresay that I will never find a good segue into pregnancy updates!
You know your pregnant when:
1. Shaving up to your knees is a blessed thing....and your husband should consider himself a lucky man when that happens.
2. You, the person who never really sweat in sauna, are now constantly feeling that glistening sheen everywhere (and people think you are glowing....scoff)
3. The Fed Ex guy looks at you weird because you have been receiving so many packages lately (Hey, it's not MY fault they don't ship everything in the order altogether....)
4. The baby kicks and kicks and kicks, unless you want them to then they don't....
5. You get about 3 hours of good sleep a night...after that, you turn all Russel (from Up); "My knees hurt, my elbow hurts, I gotta pee"
6. You figure out that living in Hastings, NE, does nothing for your wardrobe options....
7. You start finding out just how long Zulily actually takes to ship to you.
8. Birthing classes are a whole new adventure of hilarity--and you sure don't mind retelling the story!
9. You mentally kick yourself in your ever expanding backside for doing a flooring project in your third trimester!!!
10. *Looks at clock, realizes it's an hour and a half since you last ate, then this happens* (Props to whomever gets the reference)
I am officially 29 1/2 weeks pregnant, in my third trimester. First off, let's just have a shout of joy and prayer of gratitude to the magnanimous proportions of God's grace...yes?! Something that's funny is that I am making lists upon lists upon lists. I kid you not "What to do Before Baby, What to Buy Before Baby, Packing for the Hospital, Diaper Bag Organization, What to Clean Before Baby, and Freezer Meals Before Baby" are all lists currently being crossed off...slowly but surely. Amidst all of these lists, I find myself freaking out and feeling prepared at the same time. Yes, I may be overdoing it, yes, these lists wont contain everything, and yes, I will freak out when, and after our baby Berns shows their face! Simeon, bless his heart, has told me many times, that we will be fine and to calm down. He's right, I know he's right--but I want to be prepared. I want to enjoy this process of pregnancy, birth, and the arrival of our boy or girl as much as possible, and I feel like if we will be unprepared, then I won't be able to do that. Having a child is hard right?
This week, during all of my crazy hare-brained schemes to finish flooring and all the details that come with it, I was thinking about how Psalm 46:10 says
It really got me to thinking about a direct correlation between having too many concerns, worries, and thoughts, and God being glorified. Am I, with all my lists, inhibiting the exaltation of my Father to be displayed? It's almost as if the Holy Spirit is saying to me:He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,I will be exalted in the earth.”
"Be still, Kristen. Be still. I am Your God! Not this child, not your preparation. I designed you to know what to do. I created you for motherhood. Be still, let others know that I am God. Do not worry. Let me be exalted through this season. I am moving for you, be still with me."It is such a hard thing to let go of. Oh, I still have my lists, but will I let them consume me? No. Will we be fine if we don't get everything done? Yes. I must remember to not let the thoughts of my mind hinder the thoughts of my God. So that's my perspective. Not deep, probably pretty wordy, and not overly erudite.
I daresay that I will never find a good segue into pregnancy updates!
You know your pregnant when:
1. Shaving up to your knees is a blessed thing....and your husband should consider himself a lucky man when that happens.
2. You, the person who never really sweat in sauna, are now constantly feeling that glistening sheen everywhere (and people think you are glowing....scoff)
3. The Fed Ex guy looks at you weird because you have been receiving so many packages lately (Hey, it's not MY fault they don't ship everything in the order altogether....)
4. The baby kicks and kicks and kicks, unless you want them to then they don't....
5. You get about 3 hours of good sleep a night...after that, you turn all Russel (from Up); "My knees hurt, my elbow hurts, I gotta pee"
6. You figure out that living in Hastings, NE, does nothing for your wardrobe options....
7. You start finding out just how long Zulily actually takes to ship to you.
8. Birthing classes are a whole new adventure of hilarity--and you sure don't mind retelling the story!
9. You mentally kick yourself in your ever expanding backside for doing a flooring project in your third trimester!!!
10. *Looks at clock, realizes it's an hour and a half since you last ate, then this happens* (Props to whomever gets the reference)
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