Fasting

As Simeon and I were reading last night, I came across 2 verses that really spoke to me. They were both promises that I had skipped over many times before, not fully realizing that is what they are.

Psalm 34:4, "I sought (inquired of) the Lord and required Him [of necessity and on the authority of His Word], and He heard me, and delivered me from all my fears."

Psalm 34:18, "The Lord is close to those who are of a broken heart and saves such as are crushed with sorrow for sin and are humbly and thoroughly penitent."

These are both from the Amplified Bible version, and as I was reading, I had realized yet another thing. God's promises are true. God keeps His Word, but He demands something in return. Trust, faith, repentance, seeking, you name it. It's like a law of physics, 'for every action, there is an opposite and equal reaction'.

I cannot expect God to be close to me if I am only running away from Him. God does not chase, but that doesn't mean He is apathetic and aloof either. He waits. He tugs. He loves from a distance, until we   run to Him. 

I cannot expect God to answer me, when I do not earnestly seek Him. I plead for answers, but I am so focused on those "answers" that I forget Him. I yell at Him. Once again, He is patient, waiting for me to be done; to listen, so that He may deliver.

Through these past 2 days, I desperately want to be different, both Simeon and I do. We have decided to do a fast for the month of February. We want to spend more time in the word. To see what God wants of our lives, to find His treasures that He has for us. His promises, His healing, His miracles, and His consequences. 

Every year, at my church, our Pastor challenges us to give the first fruits of our year to Him. Part of the way we do that is through a Daniel Fast. (Fasting based on the book of Daniel). This teaches us to not be so dependent on our own lives and to truly seek what God has for us for the upcoming year.

This year, I didn't do it. I had no desire to do it. I could care less. If you read my last post, you know that I blamed and am still angry at God. However, I chose to go forward, to not let the devil with his manipulating lies keep me paralyzed in fear.

Simeon and I have chosen to do our own fast. Not a Daniel Fast, and not necessarily a media fast. I will explain what we are doing.

Foods we are only allowing ourselves to eat are:
Fruits
Vegetables
Nuts
Almond Milk
Granola
Greek Yogurt (or eggs)
Meal Replacement Shakes

This was a hard list, because we needed something that could provide protein and carbs. Vegetables and fruits are good at carbohydrates as well as nuts. The shakes, greek yogurt and eggs are good for protein. We needed that stuff because we are doing some pretty intensive working out.

Also, we are also fasting TV and gaming for the most part. It isn't because we have a stronghold in our lives, but because we do not spend enough time with our God. I have spent so much time being angry and blaming God, that I don't really know what His promises are. I really don't know Him at all in fact. he is my like a coworker. Someone I go to if I need help, but not someone I go out of my way to talk. That makes me sick just thinking about it. Not to mention, Simeon hangs out with his brothers by watching sports or playing games. That seems like an unfair thing to take away.

I will be deactivating(or whatever you want to call it) Facebook and Pinterest for a month. Every time I look at my feeds, I see what the newest baby decor, or maternity pictures or what not. I get angrier and even more bitter. I don't need that. I need to remove things that cause me to revert.

I will still text, and talk on the phone if I absolutely have to. If you want to invite me to anything ask me personally!

So that's it. That is what we are fasting in the month of February. If any of you would like to sincerely join us (even though you may have just finished a fast) allow yourselves to do so. God's tugging isn't just the first month of the year (nor is it only in the form of fasting). It's every day, every moment and we have to be sensitive to it, and this is how I am choosing to be sensitive.

Questions that Plague Me.

Lately, I have been a dead woman walking. It feels that a part of me is broken. Not physically, but spiritually and emotionally. Both my husband and I have been feeling like we are living day by day, but not really living. That something has died within us.

For me, I have let my hope die. I have let it go because of fear. Right now, fear is a large presence in my life, and I am comfortable with that, but I hate it. Isn't that so ridiculous of grief? You want to hope, but you're scared to, and in doing so, you are comfortable knowing that without hope, this is the worst you have to deal with. At the same time, I hate it. I hate every second of feeling that my life has one theme: Tragedy. There's a level of contentment, or rather, apathy that happens when hope is gone. It's scary because once someone has given up on hope, they have given up on God.

God is scary to me. I struggle daily with what I believe, knowing that it is all or nothing with our Lord. My thoughts are a ball of yarn with nothing but knots; leading me to thousands of different conclusions of what God's character truly is. I blame God for everything. I know I shouldn't and that I am giving into my flesh, but like I said, there is a certain amount of apathy that happens.

During all of this, I blame and point fingers at everyone but myself. I hate when people are insensitive, talking about who had the latest baby, flashing pictures in front of me, talking about their pregnancies that go on without a care, hearing how someone is struggling for thankfulness for yet another child, asking me questions about my pregnant sister-in-law, while I am here. Alone. Barren. Bitter. Spiteful. Chosen.

I blame others for caring more about abortion, than either infertility or miscarrying. What makes aborted children's lives so much more valuable than the others? A life is a life. I am angry at people who treat me like nothing has happened. I am angry at people who ask how I am, but don't stay around long enough to actually find out how I am. I am angry at those who back down because of how I may react. I am angry at those who tell me how to feel, yet have had no pain in their lives.

I am angry at pregnant women. I am angry that they get what God has said "yes" then "no" to me for. I am angry that they can complain about pregnancy, and not get how lucky they really are. I hate that they get a desire of my heart that has been there since childhood: a family. I am angry their bellies get to expand while mine only gets to expand, then go back down (depending on how much ice cream I eat).

I am angry at modern medicine. I am angry that there are no answers, that I am "perfectly healthy". I am angry that no matter how much I try to be healthy, it is such a mystery that it won't even matter. I am angry that this is so debilitating.

I am angry at social media, that no matter how hard I try to unfollow a board on Pinterest, or hide a person from my timeline on Facebook, that I consistently have to see what others are blessed with while I am cursed. 

I am angry at Satan, that he has coupled my past with now. That he has immobilized me to the point of cowering and not wanting to get back up, with a mountain of fear in front of me that I must climb. I am angry at him for using my own relationship with my father, to "show" me what kind of heavenly father I have. I am angry that the question from when I was 5, has become the question that plagues me now--Why was I even born? I am angry that I am less angry at him and more angry at God.

I am angry at my family, save all but one. That they go on with their lives, caring so little for their daughter and sister. That they care more about being right, than about being there for me. I am angry that I haven't tried as hard as I could with them, yet I am always the one to blame. I am angry that if I don't call them, I am nothing to them. Save all but one.

Most of all, I am angry at myself. I hate myself for being angry. I hate that I am not strong enough in faith to not fall so low to not get back up. I am angry at myself for being filled with bitterness and hatred. I am angry at myself for letting my defenses down and allowing Satan to win the battle. I am angry for being so angry at others, no matter how "justified". I am angry that I am angry with God, that I mock Him, that I call Him a liar, that I yell at Him, that I throw away any blessing He has given me because He has chosen to take away these children.

I am frustrated, knowing that if I don't blame God, there is no one else to blame but myself. Why us? Why has God chosen us and not any of my friends? Why are we the ones having to go through this time and time again? The thing I fear most is that it is because we are not good enough Christians, we don't have a deep enough walk with God. Is this punishment? Realization? There are so many questions I want answered...I NEED answered, and a God who is completely silent. Which is understandable, given how far away I have allowed myself to run wildly. Still...why? Why the heartbreak? Why has God chosen me and not someone stronger? What is His purpose in all of this? Why has he allowed this? Do I really want to know why? Do I really want to experience a God who could have stopped all of this? Do I really want to summit that mountain of fear, or camp out in the bottom, where the demons of hatred, bitterness, rage, and the wolves of worthlessness live?

I don't want to summit that mountain. I don't want to know how much harder this is going to be. If this is how it is at the bottom, I can't imagine what will happen along the way. Fearful and alone. But I will. Oh yes, I will decide to go. And I will keep going. I will turn back from time to time. I will slip and fall all the way back down. I will cry, and hug my knees at night wishing for death, because I see no life. But I will go. I will cling to the hope that even if 10000 fall, I will still stand. I will cling to the Hope that he is my anchor. That God is my path in the wilderness. I will cling to the hope that there will be hope. I will go. I will follow. I will fail, but I will succeed.

Dealing with Miscarriages in a Sea of Pregnancies.

I have been thinking about writing something like this for awhile. I am writing this, not because I am hurt or angry, but because so many don't know what to do in a situation like mine. Hopefully, if you know anyone else who has to go through with it, you can use these points as a way of helping and not unintentionally hurting further.

1. Symapthize

We had a huge amount of sympathy one day, and virtually no one had asked about how we were doing the next. Don't get me wrong, some did, but for the most part, it was a passing question, or statement. It felt terrible to have our pain last only a moment. Is that all we are worth? Is that all this baby was worth? We didn't want people to revolve around us, as we understand each has their own lives, but it hurt more to know that no one was coming to cry with us.

Romans 12:9-16 tells us how to treat each other. In this case, I would like you to look at verse 15 especially.

2. Ask Specifically

I understand that people don't know what to say or do, but at least ask specifically what you can be doing or praying for. This accomplishes 2 things. It lets the hurting know that you are still thinking of them, while also being able to tailor your prayer for them for what they need; even if you are praying, I would still recommend doing this because during difficult times, moods and thoughts change so swiftly.

3. Be Encouraging

 Encourage whoever may be hurting. Even though you may not have the words to say, God does. Pray for Him to show a verse to you or to let Him speak directly through you. Encourage whoever is hurting to not give up, to keep looking to God. When recurring miscarriages happen, I know for one, I have blamed Him, been angry at Him, felt rejected by Him, thought that this was His punishment for me...DO NOT let them think those things! Do NOT let them walk in fear alone.

4. Be Brave

 It takes a lot to not avoid situations. As Christians we are told to support one another for we are the body of Christ. It takes a lot of courage to not avoid the hurting. Even though you may not want to talk about babies or anything, trying to talk normally, is helpful. No one wants to wallow in the misery of not being able to meet their children forever. There will always be reminders and things that hurt, but in my case, I have understood nothing was intentional or insensitive. It's life. Good things and bad things happen.

5. Be Understanding

 In many cases, joyful things happen to others while one is in a world of hurt. Be understanding of this. Know the person, if they would be happy for you in their good times, then trust that they would be happy for you now. This, however, does not mean that they cannot have their own sadness. Trust the good heartedness in a person. It is really hard to handle multiple miscarriages (especially in one year) with grace all the time, so trust that they ARE happy for you. In the case of pregnancies, do you honestly think that someone who desperately wanted their children is going to hate or be angry for others being born? It is hard, and it hurts, but children are and always will be a blessing, no matter WHO'S they are, because ultimately, they are God's.

6. Be Sad

 Amidst your happiness of a new baby or pregnancy, do not feel guilty for that. However, be able to feel sad for your friend. Be sad that your friend hasn't been able to experience the same joy that you are about to have. In return, the friend will always try their hardest to be happy with you.

7. Be periodic.

 Mourning the loss of a baby you never knew doesn't just happen for a month or two, then go away. It happens everyday, every hour. Sometimes, it is faded and peaceful to think about, other times it is physically painful and hard to breathe. Ask periodically, REALLY ask, how the couple is doing. You may catch them on a good day, and you may catch them on a bad day. You can just sit and listen or cry with them. Life is hard individually, which is why God created us to crave interaction.

8. Be Silent

The last thing I have wanted to hear during this period, is that there is hope. I understand that there is hope, but I am also fearful of that hope. I don't want to hope. Why have hope when hoping 3 times has just been dreams that are dashed. Don't say that we can have another baby, or that God has a baby for us. We know this, we trust Him. That makes the significance of these babies diminished by so much. Even though we never met them, would a baby newly born, be treated in the same manner? it doesn't matter if a baby is just fertilized or 1 month old out of the womb, they are a child of God. Do you think God treats it so trivially? Then why do we? A life lost is a life lost, no matter how young or old.

9. Don't Say

Do not say it's a good thing, that something was wrong with baby; Do you think we would be so picky as to not cherish a child with special needs? There may have been some tough calls to make as this child was growing up, but NOBODY knows that. What if this child was perfect, and the mother or father had something physically to not let it be born? Never say that death is a good thing.

Do not say "At least it was early on, and you didn't have to deal with it later" Understandably, this statement makes sense. The more time goes by, the more dreams you invest in having that child. However, that is what we are sad about--never being able to meet them. To not be able to see them grow and learn and develop their personalities. To not have the ability to say what a cute thing they did, or take pictures. In a blighted ovum case, there is nothing to remember this child by, no ultrasound or pictures, just our memory. This is hard. 

10. Don't Aviod

This goes along with being brave. As far as human emotions go with multiple miscarriages from a female perspetive, "My body rejected the baby, God rejected us to have this baby, what if my husband rejects me for not being able to have a baby, now my friends are rejecting me too?". Not all of those thoughts are even correct, but be reminded, a woman is in a constant state of fear. The fear ebbs and flows, but never truly goes away. The fear changes forms, but is always there. In this time, THAT is her constant companion. The fear that everything is her fault, that she is the reason why people don't want to talk to her, that God is punishing HER for her previous sins, that she will never be able to have a child, the fear of even thinking about getting pregnant again, the fear of hoping again-just to have hopes dashed. By avoiding, you allow just a little more fear into her thoughts and life. Satan is alive and well and is the master of lies, he WILL use past circumstances, coupled with recent ones, to make that be the truth. DO NOT let them go through this alone! Fight Satan with them, with her! It may be uncomfortable and nerve-wracking for you, but imagine the pain she is in!

11. Trust

Trust that couples who have to deal with this harbor no ill will towards you. Trust that they love you as much as they have before, and aren't hurt by you. Trust that they are just hurting, and trust that the best you can do is a be a friend, even if you have no idea what the situation is like. 

12. Dream

Until yesterday, Nathaniel's due date, I never realized what it was like to want to dream and imagine things about him. To imagine perfect curly brown hair coupled with blue eyes and a squishy nose...ask someone gently, if you can dream with them. If you can dream about that baby, what they would look like, what sort of things would happen in the house...ask them to dream with them. It's hard dreaming by myself, with no one to share it with. Yesterday should have been joyful, but all it was was pain. Try to make it a special kind of sad joyfulness for that person.

13. Don't Criticize

Women who can handle all situations with grace all the time are a very special breed of women. I would venture to say, that most women are not like that. Do not tell this women how she should be acting, or what she should be saying. You may be right, but it doesn't mean that a woman doesn't have a reason for doing or saying something. She will see later if something is a mistake, and if she is upstanding, correct it. However, everyone grieves and experiences happiness in different ways. We don't tell others how to be happy, why should we tell them how to be sad? She is grieving and sad, and more than likely thinks she doesn't matter. View what she says or does as a cry for help, not a cry of bitterness. Bitterness derives from not wanting to dance the dance of grief and joy. If she is dancing that dance, then dance with her. Her steps might be off, but she will get it--eventually.

14. Don't Complain

Do not complain about your children in front of her. You have no idea how much she would be willing to give to have a disobedient, unruly child in her home right now. To have a child that might be have a cold all the time, to have a child who is colicky. Don't complain about your pregnancy in front of her, you have no idea how much she would go through to end up with a healthy child. You complaining seems like a downright injustice to her. It doesn't mean that is what it is or that you don't love your children, but it does mean, be thankful for what you DO have. 

15. Be sensitive

Don't ask about pregnancies or newborns unless she brings it up. It is a painful topic for her, and even when she asks how someone is feeling during their pregnancy is equivalent to climbing Mount Doom. It is hard. It is hard to think about others' joy without your pain. Her broaching the topic is her way of coping, trying to get back to normal, letting the other person know she cares, and genuinely trying to be joyful for them, It may not be as exciting as you wanted or as joyful, but imagine what it took for her to get to that point. Her asking is a big deal, and in your mind, treat it as such.

16.  No Excuses

You feel offended when others use excuses to not call you or to hang out with you. This is kind of the same. Don't use excuses to avoid the situation. Once again, it doesn't mean that the world revolves around the miscarriage, but really ask yourself if you are avoiding something because it is uncomfortable or if you are scared. If it's one of the latter, then really try hard to not allow Satan to give those excuses to you.

17. Let Them Know
Let them know you are thinking about it. As much as we would like to be mind readers, we aren't. What is left unsaid, is usually left to create the worst outcome in the mind. A card, a meal, a text, a message. Let them know you care, and are STILL caring, that it is not a one time done thing. Just let them know your heart for them. Even if it is saying, I don't know how to act or what to say around you because I am hurting for you. They will let you know a safe way to act, that won't remind them. Trust the person enough to allow that to happen. If they rail into you, remember, hurting people hurt people. Love them regardless.

18. Don't Blame
You may think you are helping by trying to find suggestions and reasons for this, but until she (or they are) is ready to explore those reasons and options, don't bring them up. As a woman, it is hard to NOT blame our self for why you miscarried. Bringing up reasons and options (assuming no drugs, smoking, or alcohol is involved...) just adds to the blame. We internalize it and make it our fault, even if something is said with the best of intentions, even if it could be that reason, even if... Ultimately, it just hurts for us, and patience until we ask, needs to not only be understood, but respected. 

This is all I have for now. Please understand that I am not angry at anyone, but through this time, these are things I wish people would have known, realized, or even asked about. I am also not blaming anyone for not doing these things, I understand that this isn't only hard from our side, but from yours as well. If this minimizes the pain of just one person, then this note is worth it. 

Being Resourceful

Green Citrus Cleaner

Remember the limes I had juiced? I just couldn't bring myself to throw away the peels. A whole big bowl of wonderful smelling lime peels. So, I went in search of a use for them that wouldn't take long, nor was complicated. I found this: A homemade Citrus Cleaner. 

First, you take all the lime peels...

Then you pack them REALLY tight in a jar (cute jars preferable, but not mandatory)...

Last, you pour plain old white vinegar over them.

You're supposed to leave them alone for a few weeks. Then strain them, then take however much of the solution and mix it with an equal amount of water. Supposedly, this is a pretty basic all purpose cleaner. I am anxious to try it in a few weeks and tell you what I think. If I don't like it, the beauty is that I am only out a few pennies from the vinegar!

Hope it works!

The actual link I found for this uses oranges, but I figured citrus is citrus...right? 

Strawberry Limeade Popsicles!

Strawberry Limeade Popsicles!

I had this amazing idea this morning. I realized that I had a WHOLE bag of limes in my fridge...untouched! So I thought that a wonderful treat would be "Strawberry Limeade Popsicles".  A healthier version of course! 

You will need

Frozen Strawberries (about a cup)

Agave Nectar (1/8 cup)

Lime juice (1/2 Cup)

Seltzer Water (4 oz)

*Not pictured* Crushed Pineapple IN JUICE (about 4-8 oz depending on sweetness of strawberries)

First, take the limes and roll them between your palm and cutting board. This releases more juice.

Using a serrated knife, cut off both ends of the lime.

Still using the serrated knife, go around the lime. Trust me, a serrated knife will be your friend. Limes have pretty thick skin.

You want the limes to look like this.

Juice them.

*Just a note, you could use a citrus press juicer, or probably boughten pre-made lime juice. I had limes to use up and the point of this was to make it as natural as possible*

Add Frozen Strawberries, lime juice, and...

Agave nectar...

And Pineapple and blend.

STIR in the seltzer water. If you blend it the fantastic bubbles will go flat. You could use any kind of pop if desired. I was going for a healthy option.

Pour into popsicle molds and ENJOY!

If you are thinking "Oh my word that looks like SO much work!", no need to fear. The Strawberries are already done, you can use pre made lime juice, and pop instead of seltzer water and get the same effect! Also, if you want more sweetness, go ahead and add sugar or more agave if you desire. I like mine a bit tart!

Also, I made MORE than enough for 8 popsicle molds! I probably made enough for 24! No problem! I poured it into a Ziplock bag and will use it again when these run out...and run out they will. They are fantastic.  

Diving In

This is my first blog. I would absolutely love it if someone could take all of my ideas and thoughts and just make a beautiful blog out of it. Sadly, there is only me to do it and my hopes that what and how I think will come out in my writing. 


I have a small description about this blog, but I would like to go in farther. 


I am 23 (or will be in July!) I have been married for 2 and a half years. Recently, my husband and I have had 2 miscarriages in 6 months. We have finally been trying to be healthy, especially me. I have been diagnosed with high testosterone, which is indicative of PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome). I do not want to take medication to lower my testosterone. It isn't safe, and doesn't cure it. It treats symptoms of having high testosterone. Ways to do that is through a more plant based and healthy diet, as well as exercise. I am not really overweight, or obese, but high testosterone makes it hard to lose weight, and puts women at higher risk for both cardiovascular disease and diabetes. So aside from pregnancy, it is a dangerous thing for a woman to have. 


Through this, I am posting my own original recipes and ideas. Some won't be my ideas, maybe they'll be some I expanded upon, or just downright copied. Let's face it, with Pinterest nowadays, it's hard to have ideas no one else has done or thought of!  Most will be healthy, but some will be unhealthy. I love cooking for people and I can't expect everyone to eat the same as me. Lord willing, He will continue to bless me with creative thinking and ideas to create well balanced and healthy recipes. 


This is my journey, throughout thick and thin, through ups and downs, through mourning and rejoicing. Thank you for joining me and I hope that I can help you in some small way!