Hopefully, I can get across what I am wanting to communicate in this blog post. I want to start with a word picture, to kind of set what I feel the Holy Spirit is trying to communicate with me, in a more palatable way. You with me?
OK, now imagine your going on vacation, but instead of carefully packing and planning each outfit every day, you just throw all your dirty clothes from the hamper, some are nice ones, some are hang around at house clothes, into your bags and go on your merry way. The vacation you planned out was one where there would be lots of stops and sights to see, and lots of souvenirs to get (in the form of T-shirts, of course!). You start your trip, and are at your first stop. You sight see, buy a shirt, get back on the road. You continue to do this at multiple stops, until you realize you are running out of space for all your new "I went to _______ and all I got was this lousy shirt..." shirts. And not only that, but each stop has had it's own little problem, a car tire went out, you have no more wiper fluid, you got carsick, ect.
Okay, so now that you have that visual, lets bring it around to the spiritual laws. I feel like I have been carrying around dirty clothes (characteristics, attributes, thoughts, ect.) for an awfully long time. While some things that I have been wearing are "nice" (initially good, intended for good, ect.) for other's to see, others are my paint stained clothes around the house, the ugly ones. Each stop on the "highway of life", brings new changes, good, new things, but ultimately, if I pack my new attributes, with my old dirty ones, my new ones will be dirty too.
I know that God has been at each stop in life (bad and good). But I sense that each time He has been offering to clean my dirty laundry. He has been offering to throw away my ugly clothes, in order to make room for the new ones. And at each stop, I have ignored, been oblivious to what He was offering, or downright refused--until now.
That is the beauty of His grace, love and mercy. He is constant, always waiting for you, always offering to you. Lately, I have just been so aware of one particular piece of clothing he wants to clean and scrub up for me. I call it, "Opportunities to Trust". Every month for the last few months, I have been fretting if I am pregnant or not (as far as I know, I am not.). We have a roof to pay for (possibly, if insurance doesn't cover it), we have a furnace to pay for. I am full time at HAFH now. I will be babysitting in the fall again (woot!). People have criticized me (there will always be someone about something criticizing me). There are certain things about my side of the family that hurt, and are always stressful. I could go on and on and on with all the things I have time to worry about. God has just been saying "Kristen, this is an opportunity to trust in Me, your Creator, your Provider, are you going to take it?"
Each instance has come with a verse or a phrase that just make me so aware of how much I don't trust the Lord. I am writing these from my journal, so they may be a little less polished for a blog, but it's okay.
Pregnancy? "Does my word not say I will give you the desires of your heart? What does it matter? No matter how many sticks you pee on, praying for it to happen, won't make it happen. I am your Provider, Kristen. I am The Giver Of Life! Your focus is off of Me and onto your uterus. Focus on Me. This is an opportunity to trust Me regardless of the result of that test. Trust Me. I am the Giver of Life and I will give you life, I HAVE given you life, focus on Me. This is an opportunity to trust Me with the greatest desire of yours and Simeon's heart dear one. Take this opportunity off of a child, onto being My child. Trust Me with no questions."
Roof and Furnace? "Does not My word say I will provide for you? You are cheerfully and obediently giving Me your first fruits. You are looking after My orphans in the way that you can--financially. You are blessing Me with the finances I have allowed you to have, being obedient. I will provide for you. This is an opportunity to trust Me, and not your money accounts, Kristen."
Working 2 Full-Time Jobs come this fall? "Does not my word say, 'be still and know that I am God'? I am entrusting these jobs to you. This is a small taste of the blessings I have in store for you more abundantly than you can fathom. I am entrusting you with more responsibilities, because one day, you will have many more as a mother. This is preparation, my child. This is an opportunity to be still and trust ME, Kristen. Without me in your daily life, you have very little hope to not be bogged down by worry and time. Trust me, that I will give you the time you need, that this is for your betterment. Even this, my little girl, is an opportunity to trust."
People Criticizing Me? "Ah, Kristen, this is your greatest upset. You want others to like you, but focus on what I think of you. Does not my word say 'Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears Me is to be praised'? Other's opinions and criticisms of you are fleeting and come from a deceptive heart. Gossip is not in my plan for my children's lives. It is in MY enemy's plan to seek, kill, and destroy! My plan is to give life, and love. When others say things about you, come to Me! I love your heart, with all of it's flaws. Bring your focus to me. Do not get bogged down by the weights of the enemy, whether directly or indirectly placed upon you. Focus on Who I Am, and your relationship with me before your relationships with others, be above reproach to the best of your ability. Someone will even find a flaw in perfection--look at my Son! You are amongst greatness, when your relationship with Me, your True Father, is challenged. This is yet another opportunity for trusting me. Trust that I will take care of it, and trust that I think the world of you. Trust me, Kristen, just trust me."
As you can see, each big(ish) thing that I have had an opportunity to worry about, God has responded with saying that it is an opportunity to trust. So I guess that is the biggest theme God has been placing on my heart.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Monday, May 20, 2013
He is Gracious...
After my Mother's Day post, I almost wanted to do a Father's Day post. However, I am not my husband, and honestly, his feelings and struggles are his to share, not mine. I am not about to interview him, or ask him to write a post, because frankly, that's awkward.
However, as Father's Day is approaching, I want to take time to not only honor and love my husband, but respect him as well. In the last post I referenced a Bible verse in Genesis 25:21, " Isaac prayed to the Lord on behalf of his wife, because she was childless. The Lord answered his prayer, and his wife Rebekah became pregnant."
However, as Father's Day is approaching, I want to take time to not only honor and love my husband, but respect him as well. In the last post I referenced a Bible verse in Genesis 25:21, " Isaac prayed to the Lord on behalf of his wife, because she was childless. The Lord answered his prayer, and his wife Rebekah became pregnant."
As I wrote that excerpt, I was reminded on how obedient Simeon has been to the Lord. I hesitate to say some of these things, because it is an ugly time I will be referencing, and possibly unintentionally hurtful to some. I pray that you do not look at my past spiritual ugliness as much as you look at my husband's spiritual steadfastness. I am scared to write this, honestly, because it requires great humility and transparency on my part.
In the early months after our third (and prayerfully, hopefully final) miscarriage, I was bitter. I was so bitter in fact, I would listen to no one. I would hate pregnant women. I would even hate their children. I hated people for what it seemed like not caring. I hated Simeon for not understanding. Most of all, I hated God. Oh how I hated him. Many nights I would throw things, break things, hit myself, want to commit suicide, shove Simeon to the side if he tried to comfort me, oh how I hated life. I was broken and miserable and I wanted everyone in my world to be the same--including my husband. I hated that he still trusted God. He still believed God wanted the best for us. I can't even count how many times I tried to convince Sim otherwise, and how many times I became even more angry and bitter, that he still believed what the Bible said. I was angry at Simeon! I was blaming him, blaming our past, blaming everything that I could as to why, we, of all people, were continually being crushed. I blamed Simeon for not being the spiritual leader he was called to be. (Ironic, isn't it? I was blaming Simeon for the very thing he was trying to do...spiritual leadership).
As I look back at how awful I was, I am reminded though, that Simeon stayed obedient. Even when he was torn apart with grief, even when his wife was screaming at him to not trust God anymore, even when it seemed that friend after friend was going to be parents, even when Satan used our past to deceive him, Simeon remained steadfast. There were probably a few stumbles along the way, but he was a man of God through it all, whilst I allowed Satan to have my heart and mind. Simeon didn't know how to deal with me. Once again, as I look back, I am so disgusted by how easy it was for me to not care about God. I am appalled with myself. I am completely and utterly broken by how much of my stuff my husband had to deal with.
Still, he obeyed. He prayed over me when I didn't know it. He read the Bible aloud when I wouldn't pay attention (I didn't want to, so I didn't). He pleaded with God over me. He said so much truth in the face of my hatred. He remained calm (most days) in the face of my outbursts. He begged with me to trust God, when all I did was refuse. He asked me one final question. He asked me if I would be willing to go to counseling. That even if I couldn't trust God, to please trust my husband.
It was by the utter pure, loving, wondrous grace of God that I agreed. Every fleshly fiber in my body was screaming "NO!", but there was one tiny whisper, that pleaded, "go...". I don't know what made me agree, other than the fact, that Simeon needed a better wife. What I was, was awful, terrible, disgusting, debilitating, and dreadful to have to come home to. Frankly, I needed help. I felt like I was drowning in anguish. The more I clawed to get out, the deeper I was being pulled under.
It has been 6 months since we have gone to counseling. We don't go every week, but we do Skype, and it is perfectly blessed each time. Our mentors in this hard time have been nothing but encouraging, challenging, and trusting with us. God has shown Himself to us in ways we didn't even know possible. Every time we struggle, we read what we need to hear in the Word, or our mentors will share what we need. Sure, we don't have a child (yet). Sure, we still struggle with being thankful for the opportunity (and future ones) that God has given us through miscarrying. But we trust. We laugh. We cry without bitterness. We care without anger. We learn through a lens that most others may never have the opportunity to. We can learn through the lens of anguish, sadness, and trust.
This time in our lives will more than likely never be looked upon with fondness, or "oh hey, remember when...". However, I will always look upon this time as a 'worse' in the vows we took-- a 'worse' that God turned into a 'better', because of the steadfast obedience of my husband. I will look upon this time, remembering when my husband was the spiritual leader, in the face of the biggest opposition--his wife. I will remember God's grace in this time.
I would hate to know where Simeon and I would be if he had listened to me. If he had given up. If he had allowed Satan to win this battle, through me. My husband became a warrior of God in my eyes, when he refused to bend a knee to the enemy, and that deserves more of my respect and love than anything he can physically do otherwise. I love my husband and as Father's Day approaches, I could not be more thankful, loving, or respectful, of who Simeon is as a husband, and as I know, a father someday.
I am doubtful many men read this, (really many people at all), but this is my challenge to you. Please be such a strong man of God, that even when everything around you crumbles, and your wife may be the strongest opposition you may ever have to face, that you will remain strong in the Lord. Be such a strong man, that no matter what Satan throws at your family, you have the discernment, wisdom, and love for the Lord, that you will be able to lead your family in the right direction. Be an Isaac. Pray on behalf of your wife, for your wife, for the heart's desires in your wife, for your children, born and unborn, for yourself. Become Mordecai's and Daniel's in sea of people who bow to the enemy of the Lord.
"And all the king’s servants who were within the king’s gate bowed and paid homage to Haman, for so the king had commanded concerning him. But Mordecai would not bow or pay homage." Esther 3:1-4
"Now when Daniel knew that the writing was signed, he went home. And in his upper room, with his windows open toward Jerusalem, he knelt down on his knees three times that day, and prayed and gave thanks before his God, as was his custom since early days." Daniel 6:10 (after a law passed to not petition anyone but the king for 30 days)
"And all the king’s servants who were within the king’s gate bowed and paid homage to Haman, for so the king had commanded concerning him. But Mordecai would not bow or pay homage." Esther 3:1-4
"Now when Daniel knew that the writing was signed, he went home. And in his upper room, with his windows open toward Jerusalem, he knelt down on his knees three times that day, and prayed and gave thanks before his God, as was his custom since early days." Daniel 6:10 (after a law passed to not petition anyone but the king for 30 days)
Saturday, May 11, 2013
He Comforts...
As Mother's Day is fast approaching, I find myself thankful that I am working instead of celebrating. As much as I would love to be celebrated as a mother, I find it difficult to even view myself as one. In my mind I know that I am one, I believe that I am one, but how do I view myself as a mother when there is no child here? No child I have had to care for. No child I have had to teach. No child I have had the pleasure of building memories with. No child I have been able to see grow, either in my womb or outside of. No child to watch smile, laugh, cry. No child to hold, hug, love, cuddle. No child to kiss away ouchies.
As I have found myself looking at the negative, I have decided there are some things that I would love to say to all the mother's I know.
First of all, Happy Mother's Day. I pray that this day you recognize how blessed you are. I pray that you can prepare for the year/s ahead. I pray that you are truly blessed by someone on this day, because the calling of being a parent, is by far, one of the highest callings God has given anyone. Being responsible for the teaching of God's Word, with every action being watched by the little eyes of your child/ren, is a massive calling that God has chosen you for.
Second of all, I would love to emphasize how blessed you are. Take time to think of your children, and how amazing they are, from the very first signs of pregnancy to now. It doesn't matter that your house is a mess. It doesn't matter if they make you stressed. It doesn't matter if they have hijacked your body and have not yet given it back. It doesn't matter if they are the most stubborn, disobedient child. What matters is that God has entrusted the care of this living being, to you. What matters is that you are called to love this child as Christ loves us. To direct them. To teach them. To show Christ in your daily life. What matters is that you are blessed beyond measure with a child.
Third of all, I pray that you reach out to someone hurting, or yearning for a child. I am not saying this for my own benefit, please understand that. But I pray that you recognize the pain of this holiday for mother's that never got to hold their baby for the first time, or had to give their child back. If you know someone like that, please reach out to them. I challenge you to think of someone that ISN'T me and recognize them for being mothers. I pray that you find the Sarah's, Hannah's, Rachel's, Rebekah's, and even Mary's and bless them for being Mother's. Although Mary was not barren, she was more than likely shamed. Be a blessing to a Mary you know--show her that a child is a blessing, not a shame, not a curse. Show her the design for motherhood.
Lastly, I ask that you pray for each of these women who come to mind. Pray for their husbands to be strengthened in the Lord, so that Satan has no hold on the women on Mother's Day. Pray that God moves each and every one of them into His Will. (That is the prayer from my heart to the Lord's ears, and is quite possibly the safest thing to pray for, because you are asking for His Will to be done.)
As I finish this, I find myself not necessarily focusing on the negative, as much as I realize how God has entrusted me to carry these miscarriages.
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| We are not pregnant. This is the only ultrasound we have from any of the pregnancies that show life. This is Nathaniel. |
As I have found myself looking at the negative, I have decided there are some things that I would love to say to all the mother's I know.
First of all, Happy Mother's Day. I pray that this day you recognize how blessed you are. I pray that you can prepare for the year/s ahead. I pray that you are truly blessed by someone on this day, because the calling of being a parent, is by far, one of the highest callings God has given anyone. Being responsible for the teaching of God's Word, with every action being watched by the little eyes of your child/ren, is a massive calling that God has chosen you for.
Second of all, I would love to emphasize how blessed you are. Take time to think of your children, and how amazing they are, from the very first signs of pregnancy to now. It doesn't matter that your house is a mess. It doesn't matter if they make you stressed. It doesn't matter if they have hijacked your body and have not yet given it back. It doesn't matter if they are the most stubborn, disobedient child. What matters is that God has entrusted the care of this living being, to you. What matters is that you are called to love this child as Christ loves us. To direct them. To teach them. To show Christ in your daily life. What matters is that you are blessed beyond measure with a child.
Third of all, I pray that you reach out to someone hurting, or yearning for a child. I am not saying this for my own benefit, please understand that. But I pray that you recognize the pain of this holiday for mother's that never got to hold their baby for the first time, or had to give their child back. If you know someone like that, please reach out to them. I challenge you to think of someone that ISN'T me and recognize them for being mothers. I pray that you find the Sarah's, Hannah's, Rachel's, Rebekah's, and even Mary's and bless them for being Mother's. Although Mary was not barren, she was more than likely shamed. Be a blessing to a Mary you know--show her that a child is a blessing, not a shame, not a curse. Show her the design for motherhood.
Lastly, I ask that you pray for each of these women who come to mind. Pray for their husbands to be strengthened in the Lord, so that Satan has no hold on the women on Mother's Day. Pray that God moves each and every one of them into His Will. (That is the prayer from my heart to the Lord's ears, and is quite possibly the safest thing to pray for, because you are asking for His Will to be done.)
As I finish this, I find myself not necessarily focusing on the negative, as much as I realize how God has entrusted me to carry these miscarriages.
Would Sarah become the Mother of Nations if God did not have a specific time for Isaac to be born?
Genesis 17:15, "God also said to Abraham, “As for Sarai your wife, you are no longer to call her Sarai; her name will be Sarah."
Would Rebekah be the matriarch of the 12 tribes of Israel if she would have given birth sooner?
Genesis 25:21, " Isaac prayed to the Lord on behalf of his wife, because she was childless. The Lord answered his prayer, and his wife Rebekah became pregnant."
Would Rachel be able to be the mother of Jacob (who saved Israel) if God's plan was interrupted?
Genesis 29:31, "When the Lord saw that Leah was not loved, he enabled her to conceive, but Rachel remained childless."
Genesis 29:31, "When the Lord saw that Leah was not loved, he enabled her to conceive, but Rachel remained childless."
Would Samuel be so attuned to God and His word if his mother, Hannah, had not asked the Lord for him?
1 Samuel 1:5, "But to Hannah he gave a double portion because he loved her, and the Lord had closed her womb."
In each of these women, God entrusted them with not being able to give birth. While there were times of bitterness, jealousy, and yearning, in each of these women's lives, God entrusted them to not turn barreness to bitterness, joy to jealousy, caring to yearning. Would any of these women have impacted the world, and Christian faith as we know it, if they had given into their flesh completely? Would any of these women have impacted the world or our Bible, if they did not have upstanding husbands? Would any of these women have been able to have compassion and comfort for other women in their lives, as Christ does for us on a daily basis? God entrusted each of them, to somehow, someway, impact the world--even to this day. Pray for the women you know, to have an impact worthy of God's calling. Whether mothers who have their children right now, or not.
"All your sons will be taught of the LORD; And the well-being of your sons will be great." - Isaiah 54:13
Monday, May 6, 2013
He is Worthy....
"Worthy is the, Lamb who was slain,
Holy, holy is He.
Sing a new Song, to Him who sits on,
Heaven's mercy seat."
As I sang this in church yesterday, during worship, I realized something. Granted this song is not from the Bible, nor a commandment, but, the phrase "sing a new song" was heavy on my heart. What is my song that I sing to the Lord in my soul? Is it the same old same old ballad? Is it praise? It is thankful? Is it cheerful? Sing a new song. What should the song in my soul be?
On a different note, I ran my farthest run ever. 5.25 miles yesterday. As I was running the first two, there was an incredible pain right below my rib cage that was caused by my breathing. I stopped for a little, then decided to push myself and run even further than originally planned.
As I was running further, I started realizing some similarities between running and the Christian walk. For one, the devil tries to distract us, to cause us pain, to continue in pain. He does not want us to succeed. He wants us to stop.
I have heard it said (and say it myself) that running is at least 80% mental, and as long as you can get over that wall, you can succeed, and go even further than you thought you could in the first place. If you think about Satan being that wall, you always run into it, it's always scary, seemingly unable to get past. But, if you just push yourself, a little harder, than before, you run at that wall, and you show it/Satan who is boss. Not him. Not you. Christ.
At first I was discouraged because my time was longer per mile, but then I realized as well, that it was the furthest I had ever gone in one run, and one year and 2 months ago, I ran 1.75 miles less and way slower. Satan wants to come along side of us and discourage us from any improvement that we come across and remind us how far we have yet to go. Ignore him. He has no business telling us, whom believe in the blood-striped body of Jesus Christ, what we can and cannot do.
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The very last thing was the endurance. Endurance for both running and a solid Christ following life, is essential, that we continue to run, to endure, for the promises that Christ has for us. Even if it hurts, even if you keep hitting an invisible wall, even if it seems impossible. Keep going. Keep running. There will be a victory, whether with running, or with Christ. The victory may seem small, but no victory is a small one.
Holy, holy is He.
Sing a new Song, to Him who sits on,
Heaven's mercy seat."
As I sang this in church yesterday, during worship, I realized something. Granted this song is not from the Bible, nor a commandment, but, the phrase "sing a new song" was heavy on my heart. What is my song that I sing to the Lord in my soul? Is it the same old same old ballad? Is it praise? It is thankful? Is it cheerful? Sing a new song. What should the song in my soul be?
On a different note, I ran my farthest run ever. 5.25 miles yesterday. As I was running the first two, there was an incredible pain right below my rib cage that was caused by my breathing. I stopped for a little, then decided to push myself and run even further than originally planned.
As I was running further, I started realizing some similarities between running and the Christian walk. For one, the devil tries to distract us, to cause us pain, to continue in pain. He does not want us to succeed. He wants us to stop.
I have heard it said (and say it myself) that running is at least 80% mental, and as long as you can get over that wall, you can succeed, and go even further than you thought you could in the first place. If you think about Satan being that wall, you always run into it, it's always scary, seemingly unable to get past. But, if you just push yourself, a little harder, than before, you run at that wall, and you show it/Satan who is boss. Not him. Not you. Christ.
At first I was discouraged because my time was longer per mile, but then I realized as well, that it was the furthest I had ever gone in one run, and one year and 2 months ago, I ran 1.75 miles less and way slower. Satan wants to come along side of us and discourage us from any improvement that we come across and remind us how far we have yet to go. Ignore him. He has no business telling us, whom believe in the blood-striped body of Jesus Christ, what we can and cannot do.
.PNG)
The very last thing was the endurance. Endurance for both running and a solid Christ following life, is essential, that we continue to run, to endure, for the promises that Christ has for us. Even if it hurts, even if you keep hitting an invisible wall, even if it seems impossible. Keep going. Keep running. There will be a victory, whether with running, or with Christ. The victory may seem small, but no victory is a small one.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
He Finishes...
I have been thinking about this post for awhile--close to 2 weeks to be exact. As many of you know, my husband and I took on a big project spontaneously on Saturday, April 7. Everyday, we were working. I would work while Simeon was at work, he would come home and we would work some more. Sanding, sawing, painting, scraping, pounding, cleaning. It seemed all that we did was work on this house. Some days it was stressful, and I let anger out, whilst other days, it was enjoyable, and exciting...being able to see the picture in my mind (and maybe Simeon's, but his mind just doesn't really work that way) come together.
Many days I worked, I would be listening to Matt Redman, Jonny Diaz, Kari Jobe, and other artists like them. I was also in the habit of listening to something from Mark Driscoll. As each day wavered on, I began to notice something. Every night, I was exhausted, but happy with the progress that was made. Every morning, I didn't want to get up and sand a floor, or paint poly on it, or do the drywall, but I did. We sacrificed our time, our gym time, even our alone time, to get this done. I kept focusing on these facts, then I realized that the picture was just like our God.
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He is constantly working on each and every one of us. Some may be small changes, like putting in an outlet (adjusting a heart attitude that was already there), while some may be no less than major. He is constantly scraping away the stains, painting over the ugly colors with His blood, sacrificing Himself, day in, day out, for the betterment of me! Every single thing I did to our house, I asked God to show me what He was changing in me.
This project also made me realize how quick I am to get things done that are tangible. I don't sacrifice my time to be my Lord. We do our Bible reading, talk a little, pray then go to bed. These have been GREAT for us, so many new insights and truths have been revealed. But, if I truly want a change, am I going to sacrifice my time, energy, hanging out with friends to be pliable for Him? What if I did? What would He do?
I am sitting here on my couch, still admiring what a change has taken place in our home. I can't help but feel a smidge how must God have felt when creating the worlds. I am sitting here, proud, of all the work I have done. I can't help but feel similar to how proud the Father must be every time I allow another part of me to be scraped or sanded to perfection. I am sitting here, feeling accomplished, of all of the work I have done. I can't help but wonder if this is how He felt when His Son went to the cross and said "not my will, but yours, Father".
The funny thing is that we are still not done with our house by any means. We aren't even 100% done with this project. Just like our walk with faith, it is never completed, never finished until our Lord takes us home.
So this is my challenge to myself--to be still in His presence, to not rush it, and to allow God to "remodel" me. Not my will for my life, but His will for it.
Philippians 1:6 "...being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."
Many days I worked, I would be listening to Matt Redman, Jonny Diaz, Kari Jobe, and other artists like them. I was also in the habit of listening to something from Mark Driscoll. As each day wavered on, I began to notice something. Every night, I was exhausted, but happy with the progress that was made. Every morning, I didn't want to get up and sand a floor, or paint poly on it, or do the drywall, but I did. We sacrificed our time, our gym time, even our alone time, to get this done. I kept focusing on these facts, then I realized that the picture was just like our God.
.JPG)
He is constantly working on each and every one of us. Some may be small changes, like putting in an outlet (adjusting a heart attitude that was already there), while some may be no less than major. He is constantly scraping away the stains, painting over the ugly colors with His blood, sacrificing Himself, day in, day out, for the betterment of me! Every single thing I did to our house, I asked God to show me what He was changing in me.
This project also made me realize how quick I am to get things done that are tangible. I don't sacrifice my time to be my Lord. We do our Bible reading, talk a little, pray then go to bed. These have been GREAT for us, so many new insights and truths have been revealed. But, if I truly want a change, am I going to sacrifice my time, energy, hanging out with friends to be pliable for Him? What if I did? What would He do?
I am sitting here on my couch, still admiring what a change has taken place in our home. I can't help but feel a smidge how must God have felt when creating the worlds. I am sitting here, proud, of all the work I have done. I can't help but feel similar to how proud the Father must be every time I allow another part of me to be scraped or sanded to perfection. I am sitting here, feeling accomplished, of all of the work I have done. I can't help but wonder if this is how He felt when His Son went to the cross and said "not my will, but yours, Father".
The funny thing is that we are still not done with our house by any means. We aren't even 100% done with this project. Just like our walk with faith, it is never completed, never finished until our Lord takes us home.
So this is my challenge to myself--to be still in His presence, to not rush it, and to allow God to "remodel" me. Not my will for my life, but His will for it.
Philippians 1:6 "...being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
He is...
I am sitting here tonight, saddened. Not pitiful, not woe is me, just sad. Simply sad that Simeon and I never got to meet our little Hezekiah. We thought she was a girl, and if the child was a girl, I would have called her Kiah. We were never going to name this little one Hezekiah, but with all of our children in the heavenly realms, we have searched for names that create meaning. Our first one, who we thought was a girl, is Micah/Myka, which means "who is like God". We felt she was exactly like God. Not yet exposed to sin, innocent, and created in His image. Nathaniel was the second child we lost, we felt he was a boy, so we named him with the meaning "Gift from God", because he was a gift...sadly one we had to return into the hands of our loving heavenly father, but a gift nevertheless.
Which brings us to Hezekiah/Hezzie/Kiah, which means "God is my Strength". Not to keep riding the miscarriage train or anything, but if you have never been through one, two, or even three, you don't realize how desperate you are for our Lord. He is the only strength I have to not despise others for having children whilst Simeon and I are barren. He is the only strength I have to not hate those children. He is the only strength I have. Period. Those sound like awful, terrible, words, and they are--but they are what someone faces.
I am sad that my sister-in-law and her husband got to meet their little one, and can be joyous. It's so difficult to not feel in a competition, to not feel inferior, to not feel like Simeon and I are the lesser of the married spouses since theirs was a pure courtship, a grounded and faithful marriage, a financialy stable relationship. In comparison, I have baggage Simeon has the pleasure of dealing with, we haven't always been financially stable, our faith has been rocked like a tiny raft on tsunami waves, and our relationship was way less than pure. Granted, everyone has loved us still, but I feel like whenever we do something, there is a question of doubt. My opinions pale in comparison. We cannot yet give Keith and Audrey grandchildren, so of course the first grandchild comes from the more perfect couple. There is nothing for me to show, and yet God continually keeps testing us...teaching us...breaking us.
I am sad that my dear friend has had 2 children, one of whom was a week apart from me. It is so hard to continually be happy for others while God is denying you one of the deepest desires of your hearts. All the while when it seems as if everyone around you is having the blessing and joy of becoming parents...and having no difficulty. There is a piece of my heart and even soul that breaks every time someone else gets to have the joy of becoming a "mama", while I cannot. While I mourn 3 children I never even got to meet once, where I only saw life forming, once.
To be sure, I am not angry, or bitter. I wish nothing for the best for these children that God has blessed with earthly life, and I know they are in completely faithful hands. But my heart yearns. My heart cries, "What about us? Have you forgotten us? When, God, when?" I have never been put in the position where I have ever yearned for heaven, until now. There is a deep desire that is hardly even able to put into words, where my soul longs to be rejoined with God, and my children. Where my very being feels dim in comparison to the hope of heaven. I am not suicidal. I am not hopeless, I just see where the happiness lies and it is not here, not for me, not for Simeon...yet. We see hope, we desperately crave hope like its's the very air we breathe. How do I say, "not my will, but Yours" when my desire is one He has placed within me. How do I surrender a dream that most everyone else has never had to surrender? Why did he chose me to be another Sarah, when I am so weak, so undeserving, and so doubtful?
Hezekiah, could not have been more appropriately named. God is my strength to not grow angry or bitter at these parents and children. God is my strength to keep Satan at bay. God is my force to weaken the enemy's attacks. God is my refuge to run and hide in because I cannot face this alone. God is my hope, because He is even more eternal than being a mother. God is the Love I rest on, because if it were up to my flesh, I would hate these people and children. God is my Father, and my children's Father. God is my patience, because waiting is so hard. God is my Great Physician, because He can heal me spiritually, physically, and emotionally. God is my Creator, who not only created me, but knitted these children from my womb together and did not stop when their lives on earth stopped. God is my Peace, because even in the midst of chaos, He calms the storm in me. God is my Champion, who sends His warriors in continual combat for Simeon and me. God is my Abba, Daddy, who I can always run to.
God is Myka's strength. God is Nathaniel's strength. God is Hezekiah's strength. God is Simeon's strength.
God is my strength.
Which brings us to Hezekiah/Hezzie/Kiah, which means "God is my Strength". Not to keep riding the miscarriage train or anything, but if you have never been through one, two, or even three, you don't realize how desperate you are for our Lord. He is the only strength I have to not despise others for having children whilst Simeon and I are barren. He is the only strength I have to not hate those children. He is the only strength I have. Period. Those sound like awful, terrible, words, and they are--but they are what someone faces.
I am sad that my sister-in-law and her husband got to meet their little one, and can be joyous. It's so difficult to not feel in a competition, to not feel inferior, to not feel like Simeon and I are the lesser of the married spouses since theirs was a pure courtship, a grounded and faithful marriage, a financialy stable relationship. In comparison, I have baggage Simeon has the pleasure of dealing with, we haven't always been financially stable, our faith has been rocked like a tiny raft on tsunami waves, and our relationship was way less than pure. Granted, everyone has loved us still, but I feel like whenever we do something, there is a question of doubt. My opinions pale in comparison. We cannot yet give Keith and Audrey grandchildren, so of course the first grandchild comes from the more perfect couple. There is nothing for me to show, and yet God continually keeps testing us...teaching us...breaking us.
I am sad that my dear friend has had 2 children, one of whom was a week apart from me. It is so hard to continually be happy for others while God is denying you one of the deepest desires of your hearts. All the while when it seems as if everyone around you is having the blessing and joy of becoming parents...and having no difficulty. There is a piece of my heart and even soul that breaks every time someone else gets to have the joy of becoming a "mama", while I cannot. While I mourn 3 children I never even got to meet once, where I only saw life forming, once.
To be sure, I am not angry, or bitter. I wish nothing for the best for these children that God has blessed with earthly life, and I know they are in completely faithful hands. But my heart yearns. My heart cries, "What about us? Have you forgotten us? When, God, when?" I have never been put in the position where I have ever yearned for heaven, until now. There is a deep desire that is hardly even able to put into words, where my soul longs to be rejoined with God, and my children. Where my very being feels dim in comparison to the hope of heaven. I am not suicidal. I am not hopeless, I just see where the happiness lies and it is not here, not for me, not for Simeon...yet. We see hope, we desperately crave hope like its's the very air we breathe. How do I say, "not my will, but Yours" when my desire is one He has placed within me. How do I surrender a dream that most everyone else has never had to surrender? Why did he chose me to be another Sarah, when I am so weak, so undeserving, and so doubtful?
Hezekiah, could not have been more appropriately named. God is my strength to not grow angry or bitter at these parents and children. God is my strength to keep Satan at bay. God is my force to weaken the enemy's attacks. God is my refuge to run and hide in because I cannot face this alone. God is my hope, because He is even more eternal than being a mother. God is the Love I rest on, because if it were up to my flesh, I would hate these people and children. God is my Father, and my children's Father. God is my patience, because waiting is so hard. God is my Great Physician, because He can heal me spiritually, physically, and emotionally. God is my Creator, who not only created me, but knitted these children from my womb together and did not stop when their lives on earth stopped. God is my Peace, because even in the midst of chaos, He calms the storm in me. God is my Champion, who sends His warriors in continual combat for Simeon and me. God is my Abba, Daddy, who I can always run to.
God is Myka's strength. God is Nathaniel's strength. God is Hezekiah's strength. God is Simeon's strength.
God is my strength.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
He Has a Promise
I haven't written in so long. It's been hard because I have so many thoughts on what I have been reading lately. Since I have all of those thoughts written in a journal, I will just write what I feel I should tonight. There is no great teaching, no "Ah-ha!" moment, just me, being me. Simple. Me.
Satan has been trying to seek and destroy us so much more than he has in the beginning or in the past. The great part is that we recognize it, see it for what it is, and don't put much stock in it. The bad part? It's exhausting, it's hard, and a lot of times, it is emotional.
Awhile ago on a Sunday, a lady at church came up to Simeon and me (keep in mind the only thing I know about her is her 'sometimes' Wednesday night drink order) and told us 3 things that she felt God kept laying on her heart to tell us, and she finally bit the bullet.
One, that I was another Sarah. To be honest, my heart dropped when she told me I was another Sarah. How long will I have to wait for God to let and trust me to have a child? What am I doing wrong? This is what God wanted to tell me a day after my sister-in-law had a son....that I had to wait? That I was a Sarah?! Then I remembered what Sarah's name meant. Sarai meant "my princess", and Sarah means "princess". God changed Sarai's name to Sarah when He had promised an heir, and son to Abraham. This means that I have been given a promise from Him as well!!! Even further, God values me. No matter what. No matter how many times I fail, no matter how often Satan holds me captive. As His princess, God is always willing to pay the ransom...even after He sacrificed His son. So those thoughts, which Satan initially twisted and tried to bring me even further down with, were changed. I still cry, I still hurt, but I know that I have hope to have a child beyond the shadow of a doubt. To be clear, it doesn't make the waiting any easier.
Two, that Simeon was a man after God's own heart. This filled me with pride. Knowing that my husband is a man after God's own heart. I knew it, I always have, but to hear God say it back so clearly brought a whole new perspective to my eyes and heart. If that is what Simeon is, then why do I fight with him? Why do I not trust his spirit (even though it is always right)? Why do I trample all over him with my woman ways, discount what he says, tell my opinion to him loudly or long (whichever the attitude it set for), and not let him be the spiritual leader? I claim I want that from him, but I always take the steering wheel back before he gets 2 hands on it and claim that he isn't doing it right. It is interesting, because I think King David was the only man in the Bible called "...a man after my [God's] own heart..". I am my husband's Bathsheba. I may not be causing him to sexually sin, but I am causing him to not be what God has called him up to be. The last two weeks, since I have been told this, I have made a monumental effort in taking a back seat, being silent when I need to be, and only reminding we need to read if Simeon forgets. As the woman of the household, I have to let him call how things are run, what we do, and how we react to God's calling. If he is wrong, then it is on him. Women were not called to be the head. We are a completely different supporting, important role in and of itself. Something else that I thought about was that he never remembers what I say. We sometimes joke about what his name means. Simeon means "to hear". Then I was thinking awhile ago, it isn't to hear me. He has such a sensitivity to the Holy Spirit, that he hears Him. Not my complaining, not my opinions....just the Holy Spirit. That is the gift I am thankful for. When I rarely have insights into the Word, He hears what the Holy Spirit is trying to say, to make us grasp and understand.
Three, to not worry, He's got it taken care of. This has puzzled me for days, but it is kind of nice. I worry. I cry. I wonder. When I am laying in bed at night, wide awake because I woke up, or couldn't sleep, I have gotten into the habit of praying. Then, when I realize I am exhausted, it's almost as if I hear, "Stop. Rest. I've got this. Trust." I relax. I may not fall back asleep, but I relax, I rest in His presence. It's kind of amazing. The beauty of this statement, is that it works for EVERYTHING!
You may think that I am putting too much stock in words, but they weren't sinful, wrong, or even stumbling words. I believe God was shouting at us (as a dear woman told me). Just telling us to sit back, look at the roles He has us in, the roles He is calling us out of, and just trust that He has it taken care of.
This doesn't mean everything is hunky dory. Simeon and I have been extremely alone for awhile. I can't help personally (this doesn't extend to him) feeling like I have a "Micarriage Plague" and because life might be hard for me, no one wants to hang out with me, unless it is for a reason that benefits them. I have had to come to terms that God wants Him to be our focus, I guess. But life sure is hard to live alone. I don't want to harp on any one. Or make any of you few that read this think I am talking directly to you...because you know what? It doesn't matter. It really doesn't. My friends are not what this life is about. I am not angry or bitter...just resigned. It's sad, but ultimately, God will bring who we need into our life, and let us be needed by them in an equal measure. Not all taking, but only freely giving on each side. I suppose that is just one more thing that I need to be patient about....
Satan has been trying to seek and destroy us so much more than he has in the beginning or in the past. The great part is that we recognize it, see it for what it is, and don't put much stock in it. The bad part? It's exhausting, it's hard, and a lot of times, it is emotional.
Awhile ago on a Sunday, a lady at church came up to Simeon and me (keep in mind the only thing I know about her is her 'sometimes' Wednesday night drink order) and told us 3 things that she felt God kept laying on her heart to tell us, and she finally bit the bullet.
One, that I was another Sarah. To be honest, my heart dropped when she told me I was another Sarah. How long will I have to wait for God to let and trust me to have a child? What am I doing wrong? This is what God wanted to tell me a day after my sister-in-law had a son....that I had to wait? That I was a Sarah?! Then I remembered what Sarah's name meant. Sarai meant "my princess", and Sarah means "princess". God changed Sarai's name to Sarah when He had promised an heir, and son to Abraham. This means that I have been given a promise from Him as well!!! Even further, God values me. No matter what. No matter how many times I fail, no matter how often Satan holds me captive. As His princess, God is always willing to pay the ransom...even after He sacrificed His son. So those thoughts, which Satan initially twisted and tried to bring me even further down with, were changed. I still cry, I still hurt, but I know that I have hope to have a child beyond the shadow of a doubt. To be clear, it doesn't make the waiting any easier.
Two, that Simeon was a man after God's own heart. This filled me with pride. Knowing that my husband is a man after God's own heart. I knew it, I always have, but to hear God say it back so clearly brought a whole new perspective to my eyes and heart. If that is what Simeon is, then why do I fight with him? Why do I not trust his spirit (even though it is always right)? Why do I trample all over him with my woman ways, discount what he says, tell my opinion to him loudly or long (whichever the attitude it set for), and not let him be the spiritual leader? I claim I want that from him, but I always take the steering wheel back before he gets 2 hands on it and claim that he isn't doing it right. It is interesting, because I think King David was the only man in the Bible called "...a man after my [God's] own heart..". I am my husband's Bathsheba. I may not be causing him to sexually sin, but I am causing him to not be what God has called him up to be. The last two weeks, since I have been told this, I have made a monumental effort in taking a back seat, being silent when I need to be, and only reminding we need to read if Simeon forgets. As the woman of the household, I have to let him call how things are run, what we do, and how we react to God's calling. If he is wrong, then it is on him. Women were not called to be the head. We are a completely different supporting, important role in and of itself. Something else that I thought about was that he never remembers what I say. We sometimes joke about what his name means. Simeon means "to hear". Then I was thinking awhile ago, it isn't to hear me. He has such a sensitivity to the Holy Spirit, that he hears Him. Not my complaining, not my opinions....just the Holy Spirit. That is the gift I am thankful for. When I rarely have insights into the Word, He hears what the Holy Spirit is trying to say, to make us grasp and understand.
Three, to not worry, He's got it taken care of. This has puzzled me for days, but it is kind of nice. I worry. I cry. I wonder. When I am laying in bed at night, wide awake because I woke up, or couldn't sleep, I have gotten into the habit of praying. Then, when I realize I am exhausted, it's almost as if I hear, "Stop. Rest. I've got this. Trust." I relax. I may not fall back asleep, but I relax, I rest in His presence. It's kind of amazing. The beauty of this statement, is that it works for EVERYTHING!
You may think that I am putting too much stock in words, but they weren't sinful, wrong, or even stumbling words. I believe God was shouting at us (as a dear woman told me). Just telling us to sit back, look at the roles He has us in, the roles He is calling us out of, and just trust that He has it taken care of.
This doesn't mean everything is hunky dory. Simeon and I have been extremely alone for awhile. I can't help personally (this doesn't extend to him) feeling like I have a "Micarriage Plague" and because life might be hard for me, no one wants to hang out with me, unless it is for a reason that benefits them. I have had to come to terms that God wants Him to be our focus, I guess. But life sure is hard to live alone. I don't want to harp on any one. Or make any of you few that read this think I am talking directly to you...because you know what? It doesn't matter. It really doesn't. My friends are not what this life is about. I am not angry or bitter...just resigned. It's sad, but ultimately, God will bring who we need into our life, and let us be needed by them in an equal measure. Not all taking, but only freely giving on each side. I suppose that is just one more thing that I need to be patient about....
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