He is Truth

Today is going to be a harder day to write, not because I am struggling with God and miscarriages, but because I am struggling with my youth. Perhaps, I shouldn't write this, but I feel an urging to do so, if not for anyone else, then for my own future benefit. As many of you know, Simeon's and my marriage has been under strong attack over this last year and a half. Right now, though, we are on the upward climb towards victory. I don't know when it happened--when I stopped sitting in the muck and mire of my sin (bitterness, bitter envy, anger, unforgiveness, ect.), and when I started being confident in the Lord, but it did. As I look back, I see that it isn't because of one monumental moment, or even multiple monumental moments. The victories have come through a series of choices that chose to obey God. I know that our marriage is not the only one that has suffered, and I feel a strong sense of humbleness that God would lay this on my heart to write, as well as a deep ache and burden for marriages that Satan is attacking! As I was praying last night, God kept giving me key words to write this, and so I feel I must--because He is Truth, and truth eliminates the dark and illuminates our sinfulness. As I look at the series of choices I have made in my own personal walk, I have seen a few themes, in choosing life and redemption with my marriage.

1. God. This seems like an obvious answer, and honestly, it kind of is. I had to choose to believe Him. I had the hardest time laying aside my feelings of betrayal, loneliness, and distrust of Him. I remember people telling me that "God is close to the brokenhearted". You know what? I firmly believe that God is close to those, brokenhearted or not, that chose Him, choose to believe Him and seek Him. While we are in the midst of the most hopeless situations, you don't want to turn to Him, because you know that He could have prevented this (whatever 'this' is in your/my life). I remember one of the choices I made was to say "God, whatever you're doing with this, I trust you. I believe you." Did I believe that statement for awhile? No. However, because of this decision to choose God, and His Will over my own, my heart softened toward my Creator and Father once again. Slowly, but surely, my face was turning towards His Ultimate Glory--and it was okay. I was okay. The tears and cracks in my broken heart, were coming together to create a whole new picture. Choose Christ. Choose truth. Choose healing that only He can provide.

3. Gravity. Examine the pure gravity of the situation you find yourself in. Is it something that you need to really work on, or is it something that was taken out of context and had taken a huge offense to. Either way, there is work that needs to be done, but examining how dire the actual situation is, will allow you to see objectively, the steps that need to be taken to restore the love and respect that was in place.

2. Gossip. Many times, when we had problems in our marriage, I would complain to whoever would listen. In my head, I was venting, trying to make sense of what was happening, my insides were screaming for the love and attention I felt I deserved, but wasn't getting from Simeon. I can't remember where it clicked, that the more I "vented" the more people were seeing Simeon in a bad light. Simeon is not confrontational. He will avoid all conflict if at all possible. So the more I "vented" the more, in truth, I gossiped about my husband! I came to the conclusion that the best rule for "venting" is not that it is wrong or bad, but what were my (or your) intentions with it. If you can find someone, a friend, that will listen, show compassion, and love you, great I guess. Better yet, find someone who will do all that and more. Find a soul of discretion, and not only someone who will love you and listen, but one who will challenge and encourage you to do what is right, regardless of our feelings.

3. Go. Speaking of people to talk to, be careful how many you go and talk to. The more you talk (and if your spouse is withdrawn or quiet, like Simeon and I were at different points), the more your spouse is painted in a bad light. The more people, by human nature, will start taking sides. Marriage is a battleground, and as Christians, we need to not step on the mines of gossip or sides. One of the best ways to avoid this is to go to counseling. Find a God-fearing couple that has been through the worst, and have mentors.

4. Grace. You are sinful. You are saved by nothing other than grace. Have grace for your spouse. It is all too easy to get into the rut of taking everything the wrong way--because of the hurt that we have nurtured for all too long. Most spouses aren't out to hurt each other. I certainly don't wake up every morning wondering how I can ruin Simeon's day, but sometimes, something rude, and totally ungracious comes out of my mouth, and it hurts him.

5. Goodness. Look for the goodness in each other, because as Christians and trying to be reflections of Christ, we have His goodness in us. Watch for the things that are good in your spouse. Sure, they may not be the things we want but ultimately, we need to be as Christ is with us, and our standards for our spouse, should be Christ's standards for us. We shouldn't need skinnier, more attractive, help out around the house standards. We need standards such as "Is he leading this family to Christ?", "Is she encouraging him to be the best leader that he can be?"...not the former. Look for the goodness, because then grace will come because you see the goodness, you are looking for it. To me, it seems that negative thoughts about your spouse grow and grow and grow--even if it might be the same thing over and over--it grows. Whereas the goodness factor, doesn't usually change, but is not being encouraged, and the negative overtakes what Godly attributes they do have, slowly choking them out like weeds, until it is just a memory in our minds. Being a Faithful spouse to Christ first, will inherently, let His goodness reside within us.

6. Giving Up. If you are married, you DO NOT GIVE UP! I know it's easy to sit in misery--it requires no work. It's easy because you know that you will always be miserable, and you don't have to experience hurt at yet another, outside force. Honestly, it doesn't matter what happens in your marriage, because Satan's prime tools of destruction are feelings, and those are always the same, no matter your situation. Selfishness, anger, bitter envy, bitterness, hurt, betrayal, loneliness, despair, hopelessness,  and no one understanding your situation the way you want them to. I may not know how someone else experienced the journey to those emotions, but I know those emotions. To be 100% transparent here, there were days in this past year when I was so hopeless, I would wish for death and divorce. I am not kidding. I have a husband, God bless him, who refused either option. We made a covenant before God. Satan comes to steal, kill, and destroy. He cannot steal what you hold onto with such a fierce, God-abiding tenacity. He cannot kill something that is protected by our Father. He cannot destroy what you have not given up. In this case, I did have a monumental moment. At one point in time, Simeon hurt me dreadfully. I remember crying to God wanting to give up, and what I heard in response floored me, for He said, "I never gave up on the cross." 1 phrase, 7 words, and it rocked me. He never gave up on me and if I claim to be a Christian, how can I give up on my husband or family?

7. Grow. After you have made the decision to not give up, you have to make the decision to grow. This may mean putting your hobbies aside to work on the garden of your marriage (analogy courtesy of Mark Driscoll). Grow things together, and cultivate kindness, encouragement, love, respect, compassion, and repentance. Even though I have only been married for 4 years, I know one thing with all of my heart and soul: Marriage is hard work. Even in the best of seasons, when there is abundance, a garden still needs to be harvested. There is no down time in marriage. Work together, grow together and enjoy each other.

I really don't have any more "G" words, but I do have another thought. Many times over the last year, people would tell me stories of cases worse than mine with miscarriages. Honestly, I felt bad for them, but I didn't care. This may rock a couple of theological things, I really don't know. I believe that our God is a God of Individuality--He looks at each of us, individually, and either rejoices in and for us, or mourns and weeps for us. So, here's the statement. It is okay to think that your situation is the worst one because it is the worst one you've ever had to personally deal with. However, if we wallow, allow our selves the self pity for so long, just focus on our own pain--that is wrong.  Going through trials allows us the ability, once we are through, to help others through trials. They give us the ability to lead the broken to Christ, to shower others with compassion and love, because we know. We have been there.

I am not so delusional to think that Simeon and I are done with trials, done with tribulations, or over the worst of it. We are over the worst of it for this particular situation--because I, and him, have chosen obedience to our Lord and savior. I am fearful of this post, of the criticism it will possibly create. I am young, our marriage is young. I do not know all, but this post, is from life, what I do know. I have opinions, that I think match up with the word of God, but what if just one of them doesn't? What if I am wrong, and am publicly announcing these things for everyone to see. I am encouraged by one man's writings. I know that I still have much growing and learning to do, so I ask for your grace if anything in this post is contradictory to the Bible.

 "Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity.

He is Mighty

I am sitting here, on the first day of our fast, as well as the first day of my half marathon training, just allowing myself to think. Nope, that's wrong. I am allowing myself to fear. From a young age, fear has always been my constant companion.

Lately, I have been reading a few books, one of which is Voice in the Wind, the first book of an amazing trilogy. It centers around a young Christian girl, Hadassah, from Galilee that was in Jerusalem at the time of the Roman Siege. Through  series of grief (she is the only one left in her family) and grace (Roman soldier not killing her, getting grain, ect.), she becomes a house slave in a Roman's family's home. During this era, even being a Christian was dangerous--they were crucified, sent to the games, and other wretched things.

Okay, so, you're probably wondering why I needed to elaborate on this book, that seemingly has nothing to do with my present situation. During the book, Hadassah has a constant companion of fear, that I believe all of us who have read the book, relate to all to well. Fear of sharing God's truth, as well as the fear of staying silent.

I had two reflections this morning. One of which, was that I am scared to run the half marathon, and scared to do the Daniel Fast. Let me rephrase that, I am scared of failing at both of them. The fear that has been my constant companion, is not being good enough and always being a failure. The second reflection I had, was how silly is my fear? Hadassah, although a fictional character, wasn't fearful of not being good enough, she was fearful for the salvation of others. Her heart was for others, not for herself. Her heart broke for the destruction in their lives more than it broke for her circumstances. Once free, she was not only a slave to others, but in many ways, a slave to fear. Fear held her back.

So I am sitting here, with a different reflection on my heart, thanks to Francine Rivers' fictional character. I, will not be fearful of any failure, other than failing to tell one about Christ, through my actions, or my words--because ultimately, that's what matters. I find myself asking myself if I am furthering the Kingdom of Christ, or hindering it. I am hindering it, for the simple fact, that even if I am doing nothing, I am, in fact, doing nothing--and that is a hindrance.

I am not going to close with the typical "sports" verse about "running the race" or "doing all things unto Him". Each of those are wonderful encouraging verses. However, I will leave myself and you with this verse, simply because running the marathon and doing a fast, are not near as important as the possibility of failing my Heavenly Father:

 “Whatever I tell you in the dark, speak in the light; and what you hear in the ear, preach on the housetops. And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. But rather fear Him who is able to destroy both soul and body in hell. Are not two sparrows sold for a copper coin? And not one of them falls to the ground apart from your Father’s will. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows."
Matthew 10:27-31

He Encourages

As I look back on 2013, I think about all the heartache, bitterness, loneliness, and hopelessness that Simeon and I have gone through. You all know the story, you all know the pain. However, as I look back on the very same year of desolation, I also see whispers of encouragement, hands giving blessings, arms reaching out in love, and the tiniest of slivers illuminating each truth we have needed  oh so desperately in our souls.

As I look back on it, I also look ahead. Not to my own life, but to others. As I look on friends I hold dear, and friends that I would like to know better, leaders, helpers, mentors, and my families, I also see the same desolation--not in the same area, but Satan has an ever changing face--an ever changing persona. He comes to seek. He comes to steal. He comes to destroy.

I have felt God bless me with encouragement from others. I have felt His comfort in the love others have shown me. I have felt Satan coming seeking to make my relationship with Christ a desolate wasteland. I have felt the hopelessness and the hope, the pain and the joy, the heartache and the balm.

If you have reached out to Simeon and I in love, please know that your efforts were not in vain, because we, in turn, are doing something about it. As of January 1st, a portion of our giving budget (to clarify, this is not part of our tithe, completely separate budget), will be going towards encouraging someone, or multiple someones each and every month of 2014.

We had thought about sponsoring another child through Compassion International (which is a great way to sponsor a child, please pray about doing so). We had also thought about saving this money for our own possible adoption of a child (undecided). We had thought about giving to our church more, or missionaries, or for wells of drinking water...so many thoughts and ideas went through my head until I finally settled on this (with Simeon on board of course). You see, in this decision process, it was all so easy for me. Since Simeon does most of the bills, I never feel the sacrifice of giving to church. I never feel the pinch of finances like my obedient husband does. More importantly, if it's a habit, it isn't hard, and it requires such little work. I feel God wants us to be more of a blessing. I feel that God wants us to be aware of who needs encouragement and/or a blessing--and this is the way that we can do this. This will be hard to change our mindset to actively thinking about who we see needs encouragement, or a blessing in their lives. However, I think having to be so active in such a way, will be the greatest blessing of 2014.

So, this is a challenge to you as well. Maybe you have a budget for extra giving other than tithing. Maybe you don't. Either way, please take time and pray about this next year. Where you can take someone's heartache, bitterness, loneliness, and hopelessness, and whisper words of encouragement, reach out with arms of love, hand out blessings, and ultimately, illuminate the Truth.

I know what 2013 looked like. I don't know what 2014 will hold--and that, my dear friends, is an adventure waiting to happen.

"Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful. And let us consider one another in order to stir up love and good works, not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as is the manner of some, but exhorting one another, and so much the more as you see the Day approaching."

Hebrews 10:23-25

"See to it, brothers and sisters, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called “Today,” so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness. We have come to share in Christ, if indeed we hold our original conviction firmly to the very end."

Hebrews 3:12-14

He Gets It

This past Sunday, my heart was heavy but at the same time light. The Holy Spirit was alive and well in my heart--something I have sorely missed. I have a confession, these past few months, I have found it increasingly difficult to have an attitude of thankfulness and joy. I know that I have many things to be thankful for, but being thankful is the challenge. I have been in this pit of joylessness, and hopelessness. But this week, a spark of understanding has taken root in my heart.

This Sunday, I was looking for verses about the barren woman that conveyed hope--there are quite a few, but something that totally astounded me, was all of the verses that conveyed understanding. They didn't convey harsh critical words for being a failure for my hopelessness. They didn't convey disappointment. They didn't convey judgement. They conveyed understanding. For so long, I have been living in disappointment and blame of myself. No more. In Proverbs 30:15b-16 it says that there are four things that are never satisfied....four! 'The grave, the barren womb, the earth that is never satisfied with water, and the fire'. Four things, and God understands my unsatisfied desire. Four. The number blows my mind. Granted this passage was written by a man, but it was put in the Bible by God. It is God-breathed. There are so many more references of not only barrenness, but miscarriages also. In Job it mentions how "he preys on the barren, who do not bear, and does no good for the widow". Simeon and I are preyed upon, as well as many others in our situation--no wonder our marriage, our relationship with each other, as well as with Christ, have needed copious amounts of effort, and work. No wonder our marriage has suffered and has needed so much repair...no wonder.

Aside from understanding, some verses bring joy right where I am, and hope for the future. What a marvelous Father, who not only understands the heft of not having children, but also knows in advance what is needed--reasons for joy now, and hope for what will come to pass. Omnipotence is truly a potent thought. The verse for the future? Psalm 113:9 "He settles the childless woman in her home as a happy mother of children." I am clinging to this verse...holding on with all the desperation in my soul. At this point, I was crying, because for once, I found hope again. God gave me the gift of hope. Then He gave me another gift--the gift of understanding and joy with Isaiah 54. The very chapter starts out with, " 'Sing, O barren, You who have not borne! Break forth into singing and cry aloud, You who have not labored with child! For more are the children of the desolate than the children of the married woman,' says the Lord". This undid me, because it is the truth. The scales fell off. The truth lit the way to the source of joy.

You see, I began thinking about it--if I had my own children, would I be babysitting and miss out on the treasure of the little ones there? Would I have time for them? Would I receive all the blessings they give me on a daily basis? Would I have so many young ones telling me they love me? Would I be such an integrated part of their lives as I am now? I can pretty easily say that I wouldn't be where I am. And where I am, is right where God wants me. Trusting, faithful, joyful, and hopeful.

The rest of Isaiah 54 is ripe with joy and hope for my circumstances. Even my verse that I have thought about with our children in heaven is in Isaiah 54. "All your children will be taught by the Lord, and great shall be their peace." I have always remembered this verse and the comfort it brings.

So finally, after many dry months, after so much darkness, after so many valleys, I can see the joy and hope that I can have in where I am. Does this mean that I am no longer sad about my children? No. Nor does it mean that the desire for children is quenched. All this means, is that I can now see hope and joy where there was none before. This means that I don't have to be so hard on myself, because my Father isn't looking at me with disapproval, He is looking at me with understanding and sadness. He gets it.

“For a brief moment I abandoned you,
but with deep compassion I will bring you back

In a surge of anger,
I hid my face from you for a moment,
but with everlasting kindness
I will have compassion on you,”
says the Lord your Redeemer.
(Isaiah 54:7-8)

He is Just

This past month, my mind has been imposed upon by so many thoughts. Thoughts from the enemy, thoughts from man, and thoughts from the Lord.

For a few more days, it will still be Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. I did some research on how it came to be and it astounded me. Did you know that Ronald Reagan was the man to proclaim this month as such?

October 25, 1988

 By the President of the United States of America: A Proclamation

      "Each year, approximately a million pregnancies in the United States end in miscarriage, stillbirth, or the death of the newborn child. National observance of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, 1988, offers us the opportunity to increase our understanding of the great tragedy involved in the deaths of unborn and newborn babies. It also enables us to consider how, as individuals and communities, we can meet the needs of bereaved parents and family members and work to prevent causes of these problems.

       Health care professionals recognize that trends of recent years, such as smaller family size and the postponement of childbearing, adds another dimension of poignance to the grief of parents who have lost infants. More than 700 local, national, and international support groups are supplying programs and strategies designed to help parents cope with their loss. Parents who have suffered their own losses, health care professionals, and specially trained hospital staff members are helping newly bereaved parents deal constructively with loss.

       Compassionate Americans are also assisting women who suffer bereavement, guilt, and emotional and physical trauma that accompany post-abortion syndrome. We can and must do a much better job of encouraging adoption as an alternative to abortion; of helping the single parents who wish to raise their babies; and of offering friendship and temporal support to the courageous women and girls who give their children the gifts of life and loving adoptive parents. We can be truly grateful for the devotion and concern provided by all of these citizens, and we should offer them our cooperation and support as well.

       The Congress, by Senate Joint Resolution 314, has designated the month of October 1988 as ``Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month'' and authorized and requested the President to issue a proclamation in observance of this month.

      Now, Therefore, I, Ronald Reagan, President of the United States of America, do hereby proclaim the month of October 1988 as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I call upon the people of the United Statesto observe this month with appropriate programs, ceremonies, and activities.

      In Witness Whereof, I have hereunto set my hand this twenty-fifth day of October, in the year of our Lord nineteen hundred and eighty-eight, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirteenth."

                                                              Ronald Reagan

I know that was long, and I apologize that I will even continue to write out my thoughts even more. I just was unsure that you would read that if I just posted a link to it and realize how much more respect he deserves...he got more from me! I digress. 

Something that I consistently struggle with is criticism. I am critical of others, of my husband, and of myself--hugely myself. This does not excuse the behavior.

I remember being critical of people that would let miscarriages ruin their marriage. I see myself being critical of those who have't had loss. I have been super critical of ones who never try to come alongside Sim and I to encourage us. unfortunately, the time I have been most critical of everyone, has been this month. 

I have felt like shouting at people, out of frustration, "Sharing this photo on Facebook (on your timeline and to no one in particular), and not trying to actually connect with the so called friends you know that have gone through this does not make you great! It doesn't make you  remember, it doesn't make you kind! It doesn't make you important for all to see, it doesn't make your friends that have experienced this loss feel loved on this day, in this month. This picture does nothing but show that you are pretending!" Aren't I just horrible? Although these frustrations stem from true emotions, and realization that the human race is just plain selfish, it still doesn't make it right. Do you want to know the worse best thing about being put through this hurt? You see how much others fail at what you would like and realize that you, yourself are no better. It kills. Your emotions are justified, they are fair, they make sense, but you are still being forced to mature, to change, to become more like Christ and less like others. It's so hard....not that many others would care to know. See, I am so selfish and mad, because others are selfish...if that isn't rough, I don't know what is.

What am I trying to say with this post? Essentially that our Father is Just. Who cares if someone doesn't ask me how I am doing? Who cares if they don't realize how ignorance hurts? Who cares, because ultimately, they will have Christ to answer to, just like I do. I will be held accountable for who I could have been helping when I wanted to be helped. I will be held accountable for my fleshly selfishness, I will be held accountable for my actions for not encouraging, for not loving, and for not meeting others the way Christ meets us.

I have also been thinking about how Christ is Just in pointing our our own lackluster areas. I remember, there was this one couple with a family, and they were separated. Through the grapevine, I heard that it was primarily because of a miscarriage. Of course this was when I went through the first one of ours (which I didn't even know I was pregnant for, until after the fact), and I thought how stupid and immature it was that this couple, older, and married longer, would just throw it away.  I was the walking epitome of 1 Corinthians 13:11, "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me."  Looking back, I am appalled by my behaviors and judgement I had. Sadly, it isn't because I have just realized it, but because through these trials, there have been many temptations for divorce. I have seen and experienced first hand how easy it is to want a divorce because it feels like your spouse doesn't have the same emotional hurt that is life-altering and paralyzing at the same time. You feel so alone, and he doesn't get it, doesn't understand. He doesn't see the loneliness, he just sees the anger and he starts to despise you for it. You start resenting that he just doesn't understand--that you are daily, constantly in a whirlwind of pain, that every little thing is a reminder. I ache inside that I so quickly criticized, knowing next to nothing. On top of that, it was essentially gossip from where I got my information from. I judged and I regret. I walked in their shoes for a little bit--if those were even the shoes. I judged, and now, I bet, others are judging me--for how I react, what I write, what I say, my overbearing desire to let others know what this path is like to help others...to help me. 

God is the only one who is simultaneously just and loving. Most humans tend to lean one way or the other, never fully exhibiting those two traits of our Father in perfect synchronization. These days, I realize that when I criticizing others, I am ultimately, making it harder and harder for Christ's ultimate completion in my heart. I must always remember, that being righteous will always be more important than being right. 

"For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." 

To 4 Adventurous Years!

Dear Simeon, 

Today is our 4th year Anniversary! I was just thinking about all the adventures, good and bad we've had the last few years. For one, we got married...that was fun.  I think of Ruth 1:16 "... Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely, if even death separates you and me" 

I think about our honeymoon, and the adventures that entailed--Duane, the ER in a different city, trying to ward off the Jamaicans to not keep asking us to buy stuff, the ridiculous rainfall, watching Mall Cop on the boat whilst sitting in the hot tub, Dunn's River Falls, the museum, the aquarium, and last but not least, the buffets! It was our first great learning adventure, and I treasure it because of that.I remember our first year anniversary--going to Colorado for a few days by our selves, shopping and relaxing. I remember in our second year, we went on a trip with our friends instead.  I remember having to put our arguments away for a change (at the time). I remember how much fun we had exploring together, Pike's Peak donuts, shopping, Jamba Juice, I remember our first vacation like adventure that we had planned.

I remember buying our first house and being able to celebrate our third anniversary in our house! I remember going to Beauty and the Beast, I remember you surprising me with Maximus (a legit surprise). Unfortunately, I still remember arguing with you all the time too. I was not a nice wife, that's for sure. Learning how to deal with each other is another adventure...one we may never stop being on.

In the midst of this third year I remember being excited to announce this little joy. I remember taking the pictures, telling friends and family, I remember the happiness and completion we felt. And I remember it all crashing down in a day. I remember the hurt, the pain, the ache in our hearts that we had lost our little Nathaniel. I remember the utter despair I felt.  

 I remember acting on faith with the nursery, and the morning we found out that there was hope again. I remember the flood of emotions, fear at first, then the ultimate calming from our Lord. I remember dreaming, hoping, praying. I remember preparing, I remember being happy, I remember how much we clung to each other in love. Something that we did just a few short weeks later, when we learned that this child too, had found their home in heaven. I remember thinking that the despair I felt before was no comparison to having to decide to terminate the pregnancy. I remember the roller coasters of hope that it was a misdiagnosis,and the reality that it probably wasn't. I remember the world crashing down with it's weight on me, and me crushing it to you.

In between these two pregnancies, I remember going on a trip of a lifetime with your family. I remember the delicious salmon, the delectable food (right babe), I remember the jokes, and the laughter around the table every night for supper). I remember seeing whales for the first time in Seattle--orcas no less! I remember seeing so much wildlife, and going on so many adventures! The jeeps, the canoe, the shopping (because with me, that's always an adventure), the bears, the ocean, the hiccups, Chuck Swindoll, the entertainment. I remember so much. "Your people shall be my people". Your family is my family, and I am so blessed that you have brought me into it so willingly and lovingly. I remember your words of love to me on the trip, to encourage me, to strengthen me. I remember you gaining a lot of weight (sorry, too funny not to mention). I remember feeling relief from the weight of the world. 

 I remember after losing our last child, you surprised me with Maci. You don't particularly like dogs, but I remember you going out of your way to give me her, to help heal my broken heart. I am so thankful for her and Maximus. They have soothed me many times, when you don't even know. They have a sense of knowing when something is wrong. Thank you for her and Maximus. 

Our fourth year has brought even more adventures than I could ever imagine! The Color Run--something I thought I would never be able to do, either physically or just ever get you to do it! It was a blast doing it with you, and doing it with our friends. I was so thankful that you did it with me, even though you had been struggling with running. If you haven't got me figured out yet, anything that involves getting messy for fun is one of my favorite things! That's probably why you planned a water fight for my birthday this year. It was the most fun party I have ever had, and the fact that you planned it down to the last detail (getting me coconut milk ice cream) was so special to me. Thank you.

Over the last 4 years, I look at our adventures. Some in the valley's, some on the mountains (actually quite literally). I think of the vows we took, "For better or worse". Simeon, you have been my better. You have made me better. Ultimately, you have stuck with me through my worse yet, even when I was pushing you away. Our adventures may not always be grand. Our adventures may not always be pleasant. Our adventures may not always be so dismal. Our adventures will be just that--ours, no one else's. One thing I know, because of the love that Christ gives us to actually love each other, that we will be looking forward, with delight, and with readiness at whatever adventure comes next. I love you and words cannot describe how thankful and happy I am that I get to face our adventures to come, with you. I love you. Happy Anniversary.

He is Gracious...

I am sincerely troubled about writing this, because it is so close to a situation happening, and I fear that some may take it very personally. However, this is my own struggle dealing with it.

Last night, someone told me, "Just wait until you become a mom". These seven words were heart wrenching to hear. Like a stab of hurt. A slice of pain. You see, in those 7 little words, the truth that I am a mother, was diminished. The truth that I have been trying so hard to hold onto, that I have children, was attacked just once more. An innocent statement, but a hurtful one. In a mere matter of seconds, it showed that since their child was alive, mine did not matter. A slew of words, making me matter less than them because they are mothers, and I, apparently am not. I had to really struggle to be gracious in that moment. I opened my mouth, and said, "It is hard for me to hear you say that. You don't understand, but when a miscarriage happens, the desire grows stronger." I had to struggle to not say, "Hey, thanks for asking how I am doing. Did you know that I got to have an appointment with an infertility physician and your comment is totally rude and careless." I thought about Proverbs. How many times it talks about being silent, and a wise man listens, and everything else. I was more than likely foolish to speak, but even now, I think, "Do you know what it took for me to come over and speak to you about how you are adjusting to motherhood? Do you know what it takes for me to not avoid you? All you can talk about is yourself? Have you even bothered to ever ask me how I am doing? Why do you want everyone to rejoice with you, but you can't mourn with me?" I am still hurt, still struggling with graciousness.

I keep thinking about how gracious I have to be all the time. I wonder how often people have to be gracious with me. I know that I am not above it, just because I have a harder road to walk. I still have to watch my words. I still have to watch my actions. I wonder if anyone can understand the courage it takes to muster even seeing another's newborn child. I wonder if anyone knows the strength it takes to babysit every day. I am selfish. I know. I wonder if anyone knows the pure tenacity it takes to see children growing, that should be right alongside mine, and to not blow a gasket. Yet, I still wonder. You see, there is a pain that goes farther down than any mother can actually know, unless they have been through miscarriages. I feel that there is even more to say....to urge...because I know. I understand.

Dealing with miscarriages doesn't end at a certain time. It doesn't end at being pregnant again. It doesn't end. There will be a day, with no more pain and no more fears (thanks Jeremy Camp), but that day...it's hard to get to that day. Obedience doesn't mean that day will come in this lifetime, nor does faith or trust. They alleviate, they help, they heal, but they don't cure. Care for someone you know when they deal with this, please, I beg of you. It doesn't have to be me. But their heart cries, their heart hurts. Help them, be gracious with your words, with your time, with your prayers, with your actions, and with your thoughts.

I keep thinking about Ephesians 5 as I write this. Particularly verses 1&2, and 15&16. "Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.....Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.".
I know that I struggle with bitterness and jealousy on a daily basis, yet I also know that I try to set aside my feelings and love others. I try to "mourn with those who mourn and rejoice with those who rejoice". I also know that I am not stellar at it. I know I fail...a lot. I know it isn't good enough a lot of the time. I know that I probably make people uncomfortable. I know I am not really that great anyways. I know, but I try. 

A long time ago, while listening to Brett teach, I wrote this note. I don't remember his teaching, but I remember writing this. "How can we fix a broken world, when we, as fellow Christians are broken and few are willing to spend the investment to help others heal". I am fairly sure that came from me, but it could have come from Pastor Brett, I honestly don't remember. I still think about that often though. How many of us are broken, torn apart, begging for healing, asking for healing--yet hardly anyone notices, sees it, and even if they do, responds to it? Is this living as wise and making the most of every opportunity? Is this mourning when others mourn? Is this iron sharpening iron? I am awful at this, I am so selfish of wanting everyone to validate my feelings that I don't even realize that someone else may be in just the same amount of pain as I am--maybe with a different issue, but pain is pain. Hurt is hurt.


I have been rambling a lot lately, no clear focus to my writing. My only thought, is dealing with miscarriages, and now infertility--and no one asking. No one caring to know. The hurt that happens with the pain of circumstances, is magnified by others. I don't want someone else I know to go through that. I am thankful for this period of life, because it has given me a perspective for the hurting that wasn't there before. I was wrapped in my own little cocoon of selfishness. It isn't an easy cocoon to break. I am thankful to experience God's love in a different way. A way, that transcends myself. A way that I get to say, "It isn't because I loved, it's because God loved" every time I visit new parents. Every time I babysit. A way that I get to value children more because I desire to have them more. A way that God lets me invest in children's lives, and a way, that although it's hard many days, I can say, "God loves me, so I am loving you. You do not deserve the bitterness, anger, or jealousy I struggle with.". Ultimately, it's simple. I love, only because God allows me to love beyond myself. I frequently wonder if friends that become parents are disappointed with me. That I didn't do enough to show that I am happy for them. I wonder if I am not a good enough friend because I don't always put my feelings aside. I say stupid things. I am harsh. Sigh, but I am trying. Be gracious because He is gracious.