Never Once

 So, it's out. The whole world can know if they so desire, that Simeon and I are expecting! We are beyond excited and blessed! When we found out, we were both so nervous to dare to hope. We have a wonderful doctor, who had us in every 2 weeks for ultrasounds, monitored my blood work and all around gave us the hope to believe, that this child, this time would make it into our arms.

I would be foolish to say that the joy of this baby, so precious already, diminishes the loss of their siblings. At the same time, I would also be foolish to say that this baby didn't help deal with those losses. Hezekiah's due date came and went, and I felt sadness, but so much hope.

Here is an update for those who wish to know:
- This took us completely by surprise. We were planning on adoption, then 3 weeks later...presto!
- There have been tears--lots and lots of tears.
- My first symptom was hitting wall after wall with running.
- My second symptom was crying at Food Network shows. I just felt so bad for the ones who were chopped!
- I am almost 13 weeks along (tomorrow)!
- Reaching Week 10 was a humongous milestone for us, and we felt like we could finally breathe!
- Reaching Week 12 was beyond our wildest dreams.
- I have battled with morning sickness, on and off.
- At first I craved beef--steak. Not too many cravings now, but I definitely can't plan meals ahead....
- I am not, and haven't been training for the marathon since February.
- I told multiple people on accident because of a group text incident. This was the result:

- We were hoping to wait until Mother's Day to announce, but just couldn't do it anymore because of expanding circumferences....I mean circumstances

- We told some family right away, and we played cards with the others where each ace had one of the ultrasounds pics on it.

- Simeon went and got me Jimmy John pickles a couple weeks ago because they sounded good...at 11:00 at night...on a night much like today---dreary, windy, rainy, cold. He's the best

- As each ultrasound showed and still shows such growth, I wonder how anyone can deny that it is life. 

Week 6

Week 8

Week 10

Week 12

As far as any other updates, I have no more. I pray that you each continue to be praying for us. Feel free to print this picture out and hang it on your fridge if you'd like, but no pressure! The requests on this are what we are continually praying for! 

As I am winding down this ever rambling blog post, I remember again my favorite song over the past 2 years--Never Once by Matt Redman. We will have many more battles to face in this world, for sure, but this, my dear friends, is a victory. A HUGE one! 

"Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace
Never once, no, we never walk alone"

He is...because He is.

Lately, I have been SOOO impatient for Spring. The nice weather. The moment there's a ghost of winter and a whisper of spring, which is my way of explaining all of the bright green buds on trees, that haven't quite bloomed yet. I am anxiously awaiting it. As I have been so impatient, I was thinking about the weather roller coaster that comes along with the changing of seasons. Even though I am impatiently awaiting the arrival of my dear friend, Warm Weather, I am okay with snow coming because I know, that spring is coming--spring will come. Just like true love, it may be delayed for a while, but it will arrive.

Like all of creation, it is easy to see a spiritual side of things here. I have been thinking about these last few years, about how we should be having hope, how this is not the plan God has designed for us, and numerous truths people have spoken to and over us. I pondered how hard it is to believe that good will come, that better days are ahead, when in the midst of a cold, shadowy winter.

Why is it so easy to eagerly await the arrival of Spring, even though it may still be snowing for some of the days, yet so difficult to even remotely see the "spring" of our lives? Am I the only one here? The seasons were designed by the Creator. We know how they should go. We know what order they go in. We know what to expect (for the most part). Yet in life, our 'seasons' continue to stay winter. We primarily see the bad...not even looking for the good God wants for us. Shouldn't we eagerly be awaiting the "Spring" God has for our lives, and know without a doubt that it will come---therefore that we should be excited for it?!

Obviously, this brought my mind to Ecclesiates 3:1-8 "A Time for Everything", and I have decided to revise it for my own personal use. Maybe it's been done before, I don't know. Ultimately the phrase I came up with to add into each "time" was "...because I am." Simply that. Because HE is, there is a time for death, a time for birth. Simply because my Creator designed it as such.

If my belief system says that God is God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit, then my beliefs say that I must be encouraged. So that's what I am going to do. I am going to mourn in the seasons of cold, miserable, 'winter', yet at the same time KNOW that there will be a 'spring' coming--and eagerly await it.

This isn't the most eloquent of writings, not to mention quite repetitive, and fairly muddled. But it makes sense to me. If I can trust that my God knew what He was doing in creation, then I can trust that it is a direct parallel to my life.

Wrong will be right, when Aslan comes in sight,At the sound of his roar, sorrows will be no more,When he bares his teeth, winter meets its death,And when he shakes his mane, we shall have spring again.

He is the Head

It seems to me that quite a few of my recent posts have been about marriage lately. Not because I am an expert, or because Simeon and I are just so happy and perfect, but because it's what is on my heart. Lately, I have been thinking about a Godly marriage, and what being a Godly woman is. True, Proverbs 31 lays out a pretty good guideline, but I guess the part that I am really thinking and praying about is how do I become a Godly wife, without usurping my husband's God-given authority.

This has been one of our biggest controversies in our marriage. I complain that Simeon isn't being a leader, and it shouldn't be my place to lead us in devotions, or remind him to read, or to lead us in prayer...ect. I still believe that, but as I look back and look forward, I wonder how do I encourage Simeon that he wants to be a spiritual leader for me and our eventual family.

Something that I have a really hard time with is anger. Anger contributes to a slew of not only emotions, but actions for me. Essentially this is what my anger looks like, when I get angry.

Hurt-->Anger-->Defensiveness-->Blame on Other Party-->Grudges-->Self-Righteousness--> Self-Blame

As I was really realizing the pattern of my hurt that easily turns to anger, I was really struck by something. Why would Simeon want to lead me? For instance, there were many times in our first, and even second year where he had attempted to come to me with something he saw that was not helpful, right, or even good in me to try and lead me to becoming a Godly wife and woman.When he did approach me, it was always in gentleness and love. Sometimes it was with a selfish ambition on his part, but for the most part, it wasn't. Anyway, I become defensive, then I start blaming him for my actions, then I bring up all the times in the past that he hasn't or has done something, then I start going on how "At least I try". After all is said and done, that's when I start feeling bad and get into a rut of self blame and pity. Now why would a man want to lead that?!

So that was made really apparent to me in the past month or so. Simeon has since been scared to approach me with those issues since our first 2 years, and again, I get angry at him for not leading me. The realization, sent a whirlwind of thoughts through my brain. I tell him that I want him to lead me, but don't accept his direction?! Not only that, but I have then also reminded him of where he has failed. Where can he win with this situation?! My poor husband. (This is not to say that he is above fault in anything, but really, I am writing about my sin, my issues--not his. Christ wants us to be upstanding individuals regardless of the situations and people around us.)

As I have begun praying and asking God to allow me to respond in love, I was really struck by something. If I ask that Simeon lead me, then I need to allow myself to be led. Simeon's heart that he has for me is not for the degradation of me, but for the betterment of me. I need to allow myself to be shaped by my husband, under the hand of our God. If Simeon is selfish, degrading, or wrong in how I am to be shaped, then that is his to take up with God. As long as he is not asking me to do anything sinful, then I MUST allow myself to be molded in love.

Ephesians 5 is such a well known passage:

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.  Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word,  and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. "

'Husbands are to love their wives and make them holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, to present her...holy and blameless'. It really made me think, that the best way I can respect my husband, is to respect the washing he is doing to me. I need to respect his leadership as the head of the home. Simeon doesn't berate me, he doesn't demand submission, he doesn't demand that it's his way or the highway; He values my opinions, my thoughts, my heart (most of the time). I need to recognize that and not suit up for battle every time Simeon has something to say.

The final thought that I have had, is that in being disrespectful to my husband's leading, I have become the leader. I have trampled over his attempts to mold me. I have degraded him with his faults--which probably makes him question his ability at being a spiritual leader. I have let him know that I haven't forgotten his past grievous actions (in my eyes)--thus eliminating what confidence I could have been instilling in him. In making my voice heard, I have drowned his out to the point that he chooses to remain silent instead of getting into an argument. 

My heart breaks for my husband, but it breaks even more knowing what I have done more than likely diminished his confidence in being a spiritual leader in our home. I guess what I am trying to say in all of this, is that we as wives, especially me, need to make sure that we are not undermining our husbands. That we are ALLOWING them to be the Godliest of men, by allowing them, through Christ, to mold us. This does not mean that we are silent wives, who have no say in the marriage or in actions that hurt us or vocalizing sin--it just means that we are behaving as we ought to--respectful, pointing things out in gentleness and love. It also means, that regardless of our husband's sins, we must remain as above reproach as possible, and still remembering, that our sins are placed upon the same exact man and cross as our husband's are.

Where does this leave me? I am a plan-of-action sort of girl. I think that I must start being gentle, allowing him to see that he can talk to me. I also must be respectful of what he has to say. Above all, I must know when to speak and what to speak so as to allow no more hindrance. Please understand that this is solely from my perspective, from my heart. Simeon might not have anything to add or to say to this. In all of my writing, I try to be transparent..sometimes it is good, sometimes I show you the ugly side of me. I pray that you, once again, be patient with me.

He is Truth

Today is going to be a harder day to write, not because I am struggling with God and miscarriages, but because I am struggling with my youth. Perhaps, I shouldn't write this, but I feel an urging to do so, if not for anyone else, then for my own future benefit. As many of you know, Simeon's and my marriage has been under strong attack over this last year and a half. Right now, though, we are on the upward climb towards victory. I don't know when it happened--when I stopped sitting in the muck and mire of my sin (bitterness, bitter envy, anger, unforgiveness, ect.), and when I started being confident in the Lord, but it did. As I look back, I see that it isn't because of one monumental moment, or even multiple monumental moments. The victories have come through a series of choices that chose to obey God. I know that our marriage is not the only one that has suffered, and I feel a strong sense of humbleness that God would lay this on my heart to write, as well as a deep ache and burden for marriages that Satan is attacking! As I was praying last night, God kept giving me key words to write this, and so I feel I must--because He is Truth, and truth eliminates the dark and illuminates our sinfulness. As I look at the series of choices I have made in my own personal walk, I have seen a few themes, in choosing life and redemption with my marriage.

1. God. This seems like an obvious answer, and honestly, it kind of is. I had to choose to believe Him. I had the hardest time laying aside my feelings of betrayal, loneliness, and distrust of Him. I remember people telling me that "God is close to the brokenhearted". You know what? I firmly believe that God is close to those, brokenhearted or not, that chose Him, choose to believe Him and seek Him. While we are in the midst of the most hopeless situations, you don't want to turn to Him, because you know that He could have prevented this (whatever 'this' is in your/my life). I remember one of the choices I made was to say "God, whatever you're doing with this, I trust you. I believe you." Did I believe that statement for awhile? No. However, because of this decision to choose God, and His Will over my own, my heart softened toward my Creator and Father once again. Slowly, but surely, my face was turning towards His Ultimate Glory--and it was okay. I was okay. The tears and cracks in my broken heart, were coming together to create a whole new picture. Choose Christ. Choose truth. Choose healing that only He can provide.

3. Gravity. Examine the pure gravity of the situation you find yourself in. Is it something that you need to really work on, or is it something that was taken out of context and had taken a huge offense to. Either way, there is work that needs to be done, but examining how dire the actual situation is, will allow you to see objectively, the steps that need to be taken to restore the love and respect that was in place.

2. Gossip. Many times, when we had problems in our marriage, I would complain to whoever would listen. In my head, I was venting, trying to make sense of what was happening, my insides were screaming for the love and attention I felt I deserved, but wasn't getting from Simeon. I can't remember where it clicked, that the more I "vented" the more people were seeing Simeon in a bad light. Simeon is not confrontational. He will avoid all conflict if at all possible. So the more I "vented" the more, in truth, I gossiped about my husband! I came to the conclusion that the best rule for "venting" is not that it is wrong or bad, but what were my (or your) intentions with it. If you can find someone, a friend, that will listen, show compassion, and love you, great I guess. Better yet, find someone who will do all that and more. Find a soul of discretion, and not only someone who will love you and listen, but one who will challenge and encourage you to do what is right, regardless of our feelings.

3. Go. Speaking of people to talk to, be careful how many you go and talk to. The more you talk (and if your spouse is withdrawn or quiet, like Simeon and I were at different points), the more your spouse is painted in a bad light. The more people, by human nature, will start taking sides. Marriage is a battleground, and as Christians, we need to not step on the mines of gossip or sides. One of the best ways to avoid this is to go to counseling. Find a God-fearing couple that has been through the worst, and have mentors.

4. Grace. You are sinful. You are saved by nothing other than grace. Have grace for your spouse. It is all too easy to get into the rut of taking everything the wrong way--because of the hurt that we have nurtured for all too long. Most spouses aren't out to hurt each other. I certainly don't wake up every morning wondering how I can ruin Simeon's day, but sometimes, something rude, and totally ungracious comes out of my mouth, and it hurts him.

5. Goodness. Look for the goodness in each other, because as Christians and trying to be reflections of Christ, we have His goodness in us. Watch for the things that are good in your spouse. Sure, they may not be the things we want but ultimately, we need to be as Christ is with us, and our standards for our spouse, should be Christ's standards for us. We shouldn't need skinnier, more attractive, help out around the house standards. We need standards such as "Is he leading this family to Christ?", "Is she encouraging him to be the best leader that he can be?"...not the former. Look for the goodness, because then grace will come because you see the goodness, you are looking for it. To me, it seems that negative thoughts about your spouse grow and grow and grow--even if it might be the same thing over and over--it grows. Whereas the goodness factor, doesn't usually change, but is not being encouraged, and the negative overtakes what Godly attributes they do have, slowly choking them out like weeds, until it is just a memory in our minds. Being a Faithful spouse to Christ first, will inherently, let His goodness reside within us.

6. Giving Up. If you are married, you DO NOT GIVE UP! I know it's easy to sit in misery--it requires no work. It's easy because you know that you will always be miserable, and you don't have to experience hurt at yet another, outside force. Honestly, it doesn't matter what happens in your marriage, because Satan's prime tools of destruction are feelings, and those are always the same, no matter your situation. Selfishness, anger, bitter envy, bitterness, hurt, betrayal, loneliness, despair, hopelessness,  and no one understanding your situation the way you want them to. I may not know how someone else experienced the journey to those emotions, but I know those emotions. To be 100% transparent here, there were days in this past year when I was so hopeless, I would wish for death and divorce. I am not kidding. I have a husband, God bless him, who refused either option. We made a covenant before God. Satan comes to steal, kill, and destroy. He cannot steal what you hold onto with such a fierce, God-abiding tenacity. He cannot kill something that is protected by our Father. He cannot destroy what you have not given up. In this case, I did have a monumental moment. At one point in time, Simeon hurt me dreadfully. I remember crying to God wanting to give up, and what I heard in response floored me, for He said, "I never gave up on the cross." 1 phrase, 7 words, and it rocked me. He never gave up on me and if I claim to be a Christian, how can I give up on my husband or family?

7. Grow. After you have made the decision to not give up, you have to make the decision to grow. This may mean putting your hobbies aside to work on the garden of your marriage (analogy courtesy of Mark Driscoll). Grow things together, and cultivate kindness, encouragement, love, respect, compassion, and repentance. Even though I have only been married for 4 years, I know one thing with all of my heart and soul: Marriage is hard work. Even in the best of seasons, when there is abundance, a garden still needs to be harvested. There is no down time in marriage. Work together, grow together and enjoy each other.

I really don't have any more "G" words, but I do have another thought. Many times over the last year, people would tell me stories of cases worse than mine with miscarriages. Honestly, I felt bad for them, but I didn't care. This may rock a couple of theological things, I really don't know. I believe that our God is a God of Individuality--He looks at each of us, individually, and either rejoices in and for us, or mourns and weeps for us. So, here's the statement. It is okay to think that your situation is the worst one because it is the worst one you've ever had to personally deal with. However, if we wallow, allow our selves the self pity for so long, just focus on our own pain--that is wrong.  Going through trials allows us the ability, once we are through, to help others through trials. They give us the ability to lead the broken to Christ, to shower others with compassion and love, because we know. We have been there.

I am not so delusional to think that Simeon and I are done with trials, done with tribulations, or over the worst of it. We are over the worst of it for this particular situation--because I, and him, have chosen obedience to our Lord and savior. I am fearful of this post, of the criticism it will possibly create. I am young, our marriage is young. I do not know all, but this post, is from life, what I do know. I have opinions, that I think match up with the word of God, but what if just one of them doesn't? What if I am wrong, and am publicly announcing these things for everyone to see. I am encouraged by one man's writings. I know that I still have much growing and learning to do, so I ask for your grace if anything in this post is contradictory to the Bible.

 "Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity.

He is Mighty

I am sitting here, on the first day of our fast, as well as the first day of my half marathon training, just allowing myself to think. Nope, that's wrong. I am allowing myself to fear. From a young age, fear has always been my constant companion.

Lately, I have been reading a few books, one of which is Voice in the Wind, the first book of an amazing trilogy. It centers around a young Christian girl, Hadassah, from Galilee that was in Jerusalem at the time of the Roman Siege. Through  series of grief (she is the only one left in her family) and grace (Roman soldier not killing her, getting grain, ect.), she becomes a house slave in a Roman's family's home. During this era, even being a Christian was dangerous--they were crucified, sent to the games, and other wretched things.

Okay, so, you're probably wondering why I needed to elaborate on this book, that seemingly has nothing to do with my present situation. During the book, Hadassah has a constant companion of fear, that I believe all of us who have read the book, relate to all to well. Fear of sharing God's truth, as well as the fear of staying silent.

I had two reflections this morning. One of which, was that I am scared to run the half marathon, and scared to do the Daniel Fast. Let me rephrase that, I am scared of failing at both of them. The fear that has been my constant companion, is not being good enough and always being a failure. The second reflection I had, was how silly is my fear? Hadassah, although a fictional character, wasn't fearful of not being good enough, she was fearful for the salvation of others. Her heart was for others, not for herself. Her heart broke for the destruction in their lives more than it broke for her circumstances. Once free, she was not only a slave to others, but in many ways, a slave to fear. Fear held her back.

So I am sitting here, with a different reflection on my heart, thanks to Francine Rivers' fictional character. I, will not be fearful of any failure, other than failing to tell one about Christ, through my actions, or my words--because ultimately, that's what matters. I find myself asking myself if I am furthering the Kingdom of Christ, or hindering it. I am hindering it, for the simple fact, that even if I am doing nothing, I am, in fact, doing nothing--and that is a hindrance.

I am not going to close with the typical "sports" verse about "running the race" or "doing all things unto Him". Each of those are wonderful encouraging verses. However, I will leave myself and you with this verse, simply because running the marathon and doing a fast, are not near as important as the possibility of failing my Heavenly Father:

 “Whatever I tell you in the dark, speak in the light; and what you hear in the ear, preach on the housetops. And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. But rather fear Him who is able to destroy both soul and body in hell. Are not two sparrows sold for a copper coin? And not one of them falls to the ground apart from your Father’s will. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows."
Matthew 10:27-31

He Encourages

As I look back on 2013, I think about all the heartache, bitterness, loneliness, and hopelessness that Simeon and I have gone through. You all know the story, you all know the pain. However, as I look back on the very same year of desolation, I also see whispers of encouragement, hands giving blessings, arms reaching out in love, and the tiniest of slivers illuminating each truth we have needed  oh so desperately in our souls.

As I look back on it, I also look ahead. Not to my own life, but to others. As I look on friends I hold dear, and friends that I would like to know better, leaders, helpers, mentors, and my families, I also see the same desolation--not in the same area, but Satan has an ever changing face--an ever changing persona. He comes to seek. He comes to steal. He comes to destroy.

I have felt God bless me with encouragement from others. I have felt His comfort in the love others have shown me. I have felt Satan coming seeking to make my relationship with Christ a desolate wasteland. I have felt the hopelessness and the hope, the pain and the joy, the heartache and the balm.

If you have reached out to Simeon and I in love, please know that your efforts were not in vain, because we, in turn, are doing something about it. As of January 1st, a portion of our giving budget (to clarify, this is not part of our tithe, completely separate budget), will be going towards encouraging someone, or multiple someones each and every month of 2014.

We had thought about sponsoring another child through Compassion International (which is a great way to sponsor a child, please pray about doing so). We had also thought about saving this money for our own possible adoption of a child (undecided). We had thought about giving to our church more, or missionaries, or for wells of drinking water...so many thoughts and ideas went through my head until I finally settled on this (with Simeon on board of course). You see, in this decision process, it was all so easy for me. Since Simeon does most of the bills, I never feel the sacrifice of giving to church. I never feel the pinch of finances like my obedient husband does. More importantly, if it's a habit, it isn't hard, and it requires such little work. I feel God wants us to be more of a blessing. I feel that God wants us to be aware of who needs encouragement and/or a blessing--and this is the way that we can do this. This will be hard to change our mindset to actively thinking about who we see needs encouragement, or a blessing in their lives. However, I think having to be so active in such a way, will be the greatest blessing of 2014.

So, this is a challenge to you as well. Maybe you have a budget for extra giving other than tithing. Maybe you don't. Either way, please take time and pray about this next year. Where you can take someone's heartache, bitterness, loneliness, and hopelessness, and whisper words of encouragement, reach out with arms of love, hand out blessings, and ultimately, illuminate the Truth.

I know what 2013 looked like. I don't know what 2014 will hold--and that, my dear friends, is an adventure waiting to happen.

"Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful. And let us consider one another in order to stir up love and good works, not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as is the manner of some, but exhorting one another, and so much the more as you see the Day approaching."

Hebrews 10:23-25

"See to it, brothers and sisters, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called “Today,” so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness. We have come to share in Christ, if indeed we hold our original conviction firmly to the very end."

Hebrews 3:12-14

He Gets It

This past Sunday, my heart was heavy but at the same time light. The Holy Spirit was alive and well in my heart--something I have sorely missed. I have a confession, these past few months, I have found it increasingly difficult to have an attitude of thankfulness and joy. I know that I have many things to be thankful for, but being thankful is the challenge. I have been in this pit of joylessness, and hopelessness. But this week, a spark of understanding has taken root in my heart.

This Sunday, I was looking for verses about the barren woman that conveyed hope--there are quite a few, but something that totally astounded me, was all of the verses that conveyed understanding. They didn't convey harsh critical words for being a failure for my hopelessness. They didn't convey disappointment. They didn't convey judgement. They conveyed understanding. For so long, I have been living in disappointment and blame of myself. No more. In Proverbs 30:15b-16 it says that there are four things that are never satisfied....four! 'The grave, the barren womb, the earth that is never satisfied with water, and the fire'. Four things, and God understands my unsatisfied desire. Four. The number blows my mind. Granted this passage was written by a man, but it was put in the Bible by God. It is God-breathed. There are so many more references of not only barrenness, but miscarriages also. In Job it mentions how "he preys on the barren, who do not bear, and does no good for the widow". Simeon and I are preyed upon, as well as many others in our situation--no wonder our marriage, our relationship with each other, as well as with Christ, have needed copious amounts of effort, and work. No wonder our marriage has suffered and has needed so much repair...no wonder.

Aside from understanding, some verses bring joy right where I am, and hope for the future. What a marvelous Father, who not only understands the heft of not having children, but also knows in advance what is needed--reasons for joy now, and hope for what will come to pass. Omnipotence is truly a potent thought. The verse for the future? Psalm 113:9 "He settles the childless woman in her home as a happy mother of children." I am clinging to this verse...holding on with all the desperation in my soul. At this point, I was crying, because for once, I found hope again. God gave me the gift of hope. Then He gave me another gift--the gift of understanding and joy with Isaiah 54. The very chapter starts out with, " 'Sing, O barren, You who have not borne! Break forth into singing and cry aloud, You who have not labored with child! For more are the children of the desolate than the children of the married woman,' says the Lord". This undid me, because it is the truth. The scales fell off. The truth lit the way to the source of joy.

You see, I began thinking about it--if I had my own children, would I be babysitting and miss out on the treasure of the little ones there? Would I have time for them? Would I receive all the blessings they give me on a daily basis? Would I have so many young ones telling me they love me? Would I be such an integrated part of their lives as I am now? I can pretty easily say that I wouldn't be where I am. And where I am, is right where God wants me. Trusting, faithful, joyful, and hopeful.

The rest of Isaiah 54 is ripe with joy and hope for my circumstances. Even my verse that I have thought about with our children in heaven is in Isaiah 54. "All your children will be taught by the Lord, and great shall be their peace." I have always remembered this verse and the comfort it brings.

So finally, after many dry months, after so much darkness, after so many valleys, I can see the joy and hope that I can have in where I am. Does this mean that I am no longer sad about my children? No. Nor does it mean that the desire for children is quenched. All this means, is that I can now see hope and joy where there was none before. This means that I don't have to be so hard on myself, because my Father isn't looking at me with disapproval, He is looking at me with understanding and sadness. He gets it.

“For a brief moment I abandoned you,
but with deep compassion I will bring you back

In a surge of anger,
I hid my face from you for a moment,
but with everlasting kindness
I will have compassion on you,”
says the Lord your Redeemer.
(Isaiah 54:7-8)