It started over 3 years ago, with a free crib, and a new house. We knew what room was to be the nursery...the smallest one. It was painted purple. After 1 supposedly "Light coral" color that ended up looking like a peachy pink, it was changed to brown. After a while, the brown was too dark, but didn't need to be changed, because we were still waiting for that special time of actually being pregnant and not just dreaming about it.
Fast forward 6 months, that happened--then "un-happened" on Christmas Day of 2011. Unsure is the word best used to describe that time. We didn't know we had even been pregnant, so finding out that we had more than likely gone through a miscarriage was...shocking? But it set even a deeper desire to begin a family.
Fast forward 3 months...we found out we were expecting yet again, on the day we went to see Tim Hawkins in Lincoln no less. There were many reasons to smile that night. 2 months later, we lost that child as well. This time, it was crushing.
After that, time seemed to drag on. I remember repainting the nursery for what would be the last and final time. Not because we were expecting, but because I wanted something tangible to do--I called it "operating on faith". It seemed to pay off in a sense because no more than a few months later, we found out that we were indeed expecting...yet again! 3 months later, devastation.
The following year went by and I could not bring myself to go into the room to work on it. If I wasn't watching girls (since toys were primarily in that room), the door remained shut. The door to both the nursery and my hope was closed.
Finally, after a year or more of prayer, we felt being led to adoption. In January of 2014, we stopped trying so hard for a child, and felt confident in our hearts to give another child a home--and not just because we couldn't have any at the time. We resigned our dream, and began another one. Imagine my surprise when that month, I had my first cycle that I had on my own in over a year (something that I had been able to manage with diet and exercise before that just wasn't yielding results this time). And again a month later, when Simeon was gone, and I found out that God was indeed faithful.
I didn't work on the room for a long time. Yes I was excited, but there was so much fear--why bother opening up my heart again, if in a matter of a few weeks, it could very well be crushed again.
This room, this nursery, if you will, is so much more than a room to me. It is so much more than a baby's room, or a nursery, or even a cute room for a child.
This room is hope deferred, but not lost.
This room is preparation when it seemed there was nothing to prepare for.
This room is faithfulness amidst faithlessness.
This room is a labor of love, when there was much bitterness in my heart.
This room is what reminds me of who God is.
This room is what reminds me that "Never once have we ever walked alone"
The trees mean something different in this room. For years, I wondered if I would ever feel a baby kicking inside of me. If my stomach would grow and swell. If Simeon would be a father to his own children. If he would be able to have the expression of awe at feeling baby kick. I dreamed of the day he would first see his first child. For years, hope was deferred. For years it made my heart sick. There are still some longings that have yet to be fulfilled, but there are so many that already have been. Those trees in there, that I painted simply because I liked them and because they went with owls, mean so much more. Those, are trees of life in there, and pretty soon there will be another life in there to enjoy them.
"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but longing fulfilled is a tree of life."
Many hurts along the way, but a song that will be forever close to my heart, that I have referenced before in this blog, has been Matt Redman's "Never Once". In my opinion, the lyrics speak for themselves, and need no explanation.
"Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful"