Wednesday, March 7, 2018

Accepting.

Today, I have sat here and puttered around a bit while Grandma Audrey took the kiddos to Rachel's house and Rachel came here to clean, grocery shop, and pick up lunch. All while Kimberly came and dropped off supper for us.
With the onslaught of kindness, love, serving, and food being brought upon me (and my little family), it's been considerably hard to ask for help, but even harder to ACCEPT the help.
I've come to realize there is a big difference between accepting help and TRULY ACCEPTING HELP. I feel that truly accepting help means laying your pride and guilt at the door. TRULY accepting help is simply being thankful, knowing that there are zero expectations or strings attached to the offers of love. I have had a hard time feeling like I should be puking every moment of someone being here. Or that I should feel worse asking someone to wipe a fridge, when I am standing there showing them the rags and fridge. Nausea is a constant companion, as is exhaustion, but it doesn't feel like enough of a reason to be asking for help. God has been really working on my heart during this pregnancy. I didn't think another baby would be His vessel to deal with my pride and guilt (usually those two working in tandem), but it is--and there will probably be another vessel another time to deal with them again. See, I think...I think that accepting help isn't because you deserve it--either with how horrible you feel or don't feel. Accepting help is God asking you to be a Mary. Many of us know the Bible story, the one so many Bible studies are based on, "Being a Mary in a Martha World", that sort of thing. For those of you that don't here's a recap. Mary and Martha were sisters, close friends of Jesus, who were preparing for His arrival. Martha kept working while Mary just went to sit with her Friend and Savior. Martha was unhappy doing everything herself and was essentially upset at Mary. Jesus gently rebuked Martha, telling her that only ONE thing was TRULY needed, and that Mary had chosen the better choice. I think, on some levels, we are all "Martha's" and feel like we NEED to be "Mary's". Someday, I desperately want to know how Mary and Martha truly were. I don't see Mary as being uncaring and unhelpful, but rather, beautifully distracted by the inane and constant responsibilities of this world, to bask in the restfulness and peace that her Friend offered. In just the same manner, I don't see Martha as a task master, nor necessarily as someone who wanted everything done just right, but rather, something done to perfection for HER Friend as well. I have often thought of Martha and Mary and who they truly were. I think both trying to please their friend, the best way they knew how. Which leads me back to this current aspect of my life. I've taken on the role of doing everything, getting everything ready, and what not, simply because I have to, and even, on some level WANT to. I love providing meals and cleanliness for our home for our family. I may not like doing it, but I love the end result. I love doing my best for my family. I think, I have been too caught up in it for so long now. I think that God has been trying to lay on my heart to ask and accept help because HE has me and my family provided for. More importantly, He has HIS family provided for. For so long, I felt like a Martha, working behind the scenes, offering my best, while trying to not hold onto any grumbling. And all the while, He has been trying to teach me to be a Mary. There is a season to be a Martha, and there is a season to be a Mary. We can offer our best, and still need to remember what is most important. So, here's to choosing to be a Mary right now--or at least who I envision her to truly be. I think of Mary at just being so amazed and restful in Jesus's presence, that all else faded away. Not because she was unaware of anything to do, not because she was immature and didn't want to help, and not because she was shirking responsibilities, but because everything else had grown strangely dim when she entered His presence. There will be a time to be a Martha, and to choose to give my best behind the scenes, and to do menial tasks, making sure everything is taken care of for people who are here. But for now, I have got to learn to be a Mary and just sit at my Lord's feet and trust Him that everything will be taken care of. And maybe, just maybe, in this season of sickness and busyness, God's wanting me to come sit by Him, and maybe, just maybe, He wants my company too...

Monday, March 5, 2018

Barren Wasteland, Abundant Harvest.

A friend texted me today about how having kids has been easy, yet she would never say those words to someone struggling with infertility. We then chatted about how each side has its own hardships.

You see friends, I have been in the barren wasteland of motherhood. Not nearly as long as others, but also much longer than I ever thought would be. I have 3 babies whom I will not know what they look like until I reach the wonderful presence of my Savior in Heaven. 3 babies that sit on the Utmost's lap, instead of my own. Those days, weeks, months, and even years were debilitating for me. Heart-wrenching. The amount of yearning and longing cannot be put into words, nor put into some sense of measurement. Bitterness, anger, frustration, faithlessness, and hopelessness lay in wait of every day for me. By the grace of God, before we had our first child, many of those were dealt with, some were not.

Fast forward to now. I have a 3 year old, 2 year old, 1 year old, and another baby on the way. That's right. Our family will have upgraded from 3 under 3, to 4, 4 and under. I sit many days and reflect over the last few years. Not only the blessings wrought from each baby, but also...the hardships. 

When our first (Addie) was born, we were ecstatic. She was really quite a hard baby for the first few months, and although feelings of frustration and even anger came to the surface often, they were held in check by the 3 miscarriages and 2 years of infertility prior to her. For she was HERE, in MY arms, every crying and screaming fit seemed mostly dull in comparison and I was THANKFUL, ever so thankful for her.

Five months after she was born, I remember finding out that I was pregnant again! I was...shocked? Happy? Scared? Honestly, I was mostly just bewildered. The day before we found out, my husband said "You know, we could have another one and I'd be fine." The day we DID find out his response was, "Okay, when I said we could have another one, I didn't mean right NOW!". It was kind of funny, but after Addie, we had opted to not do anything contraception wise because of how difficult it was to have her here, in our arms. So, we knew this was a possibility, but we were also surprised. Clara was born late December, and we were so happy and relieved to have another baby here, safe and sound. Sadly, I did nothing to prepare us as a family (outside of making meals) for having 2 under 2 (Addie was just over a year old), and realistically, other than simply teaching Addie to wait for things for me to help her with, there wasn't much I could have done. Recovery with Clara was hard. Looking back, I did have a mild case of postpartum depression. I wasn't happy she was here. Some days I looked at her and didn't want her here. The amount of heartbreak and guilt at that admission was staggering. I tried to do normal stuff, be normal, but there was a chunk of my emotions that were so off, coupled with adrenal fatigue that left me...weary. She was admitted to the hospital when she was just over ten weeks old for RSV and truly, that experience was harrowing. RSV is extremely treatable, but having my young daughter be in there for over 5 days made me really come face to face with what was happening to me. Many long hours were spent praying and trying to regain the same love I had when Addie was born. Thankfully, shortly thereafter, it was restored. I even found a size up of Clara's coming home outfit as kind of a second chance for me and her.

Three weeks after the RSV hospital stay with Clara, we found out we were pregnant AGAIN! I will be honest. Staring at the test, the first thought that went through my mind was an unsavory phrase. I was kind of in shock and denial for a few days (maybe weeks, I can't really remember). I didn't quite know what to do other than to pray ridiculously hard against the battle of post partum depression when this baby came. Other than making our kids wait, and do the normal baby prep things, I didn't do much. Being in baby mode for 3 years didn't really require much work on this end. By the time Ezekiel came into our arms, it was a HUGE relief (a 9 pound, 9 oz baby delivered without an epidural will do that to do, trust me). Recovery was easy. I was happy he was here. Sure things were busy and scary and overwhelming, but there was not an OUNCE of resentment. Ezekiel's pregnancy and birth were difficult on my body, and my husband and I were really hoping to not have any more biological kids, and to adopt instead.

We started the adoption process, a few months ago, only to find out that we were pregnant again. I cried. I honestly did. I didn't WANT to be pregnant again. I wanted another baby, but not this way. The first weeks of this pregnancy have been difficult to muddle through. Not only realizing how fickle I am, but also how my definition of "trust" had to be redefined and brought alongside with what God's word says it is as well. Spiritually, it was difficult for me because I didn't think that God would ask this of me again--but He did. It was difficult to wrap my head around being pregnant again. I was just getting to the point of being at the health and size I wanted to be. I finally felt that I had my thyroid diet under control. This was going to be the year I did stuff with my kids for FUN. It seemed in a moment, every one of those selfish thoughts were asked to be given into the palms of His hands. On top of all the physical ailments, fears of how my thyroid would affect this baby, emotional guilt, this has been very hard.

You see friends, I have been through the barren wasteland of motherhood, but I have also been through the abundant harvest of motherhood. Neither one is without their own challenges, their own aches, their own frustrations, or their own longings. Both aspects of the vastly different sides are equally challenging in wildly different aspects. I would never brag about how easy it has been to have kids after our bout of death and infertility. Nor would I tell a mom who has so many kids that it's better than having none. Like many things in life, there is a delicate balance.

You see, while I have been in what my husband and I call "The Baby Season", I have had some pretty...hard thoughts. A constant companion of mine has been guilt. When it was in the barren season, guilt over being bitter and angry consumed me. During the 3 under 3 years, it was guilt over those who wanted children and couldn't. I felt so undeserving--especially since many of my thoughts were not in line with children being a gift. Now, guilt is my companion with not being able to do what a mom and a wife should do. Guilt follows me when I lay down and when someone brings us lunch, supper, runs errands, or cleans my home for me. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.

I want to encourage you moms--whatever season you are in. The ONLY thing I have learned, is that the only thing we can do is CLING to God--and I do mean CLING. Grasp for Him. Hold onto Him. He can take the heartache and pain and create from it beauty and life. He can take the resentment and bitterness and make it into thankfulness and peace. he can take the depression and make it joyful. He can take the overwhelmed and exhaustion, and make it restful. He can even take the guilt and make it blissful innocence. Whatever your shackles, whatever your binds, cling to God in them and He can create so much more than you could ever imagine.

I still struggle. I still fail. And like I said, guilt is my constant companion. I feel unworthy of people loving us and providing for us. Please don't feel like this. There is a beautiful network integrated into the body of Christ, people hearing God's call and helping whenever or wherever they can. Tap into it, for whatever your needs are, big or small. I have seen God just love on us through people and I am nothing short of humbled, completely and overwhelmingly humbled. So peace, mama, peace. He's got you whether you are in the barren wasteland of miscarriages and infertility, and He has what you need in what might seem to be the never-ending harvest of motherhood. Lay down your pride, trust Him and watch yourself be humbled and amazed at how He takes care of you. 

Friday, February 9, 2018

Trust Him.

As many of you know, we are now expecting our fourth little hobbit. Many have asked me how I am feeling about it.

I'll be honest. I am resenting being pregnant. I am so THRILLED to be adding a new baby to our little fold, so do NOT get me wrong. Pregnancy, for me is anything but easy. This pregnancy is shaping up to be the same.

For one, my morning sickness is extremely severe with this lil' hobbit. I am talking about once an hour I heave for a good 5-10 minutes, and I at least throw up 3-4 times a day.  Plus headaches  and terrible terrifying dreams that keep me awake (two symptoms I have had with all three pregnancies). This is hard physically.

Because of this, I have become little more than just a person laying on the couch. This means my house is a mess, food rests (mostly) squarely on Simeon's shoulders, and my kids are divided between levels of the house so we can "divide and conquer". Protein and Back Alley Sourdough is about all I can stomach most days, and like the last 6 pregnancies I have had, nothing helps. I more than not feel like a worthless mom, wife, homemaker...everything. Many things I had hoped for this coming year are coming to/have come to a screeching halt. Trips planned, goals hoped for--pretty much done. Not because we CAN'T do them, but because we don't know if we will be ABLE to do them. This is hard emotionally. 

I recently found out that my thyroid issues could cause some major complications in pregnancy, including premature birth, preeclampsia, miscarriage, postpartum hemorrhage, anemia and placental abruption. This scares me and the guilt of this happening and me being responsible/irresponsible is overwhelming. My levels need to be at TSH .4 and they are at .04. That is a big difference. (Also, is a reason for my severe morning sickness). My doctor is great and will be monitoring my levels, and although I would love to deal with this naturally, time constraints do not really allow for that sort of experimentation. On top of realizing how fickle I am ("I want babies!"; "I don't want anymore!"), and my wrong view of trusting God, the guilt and spiritual strain is quickly becoming overwhelming. I feel as if I put all of my trust in His hands, but subconsciously/inherently think that because 100% of it is in His hands, that He won't really "test" (this is not the right word, but it's the only one I can think of at the moment) me on that trust.

Now, again, don't get me wrong. I am not trying to whine, nor am I unthankful for this baby, and by oh golly do Simeon and I want another one. I can't tell you how many times we both look at all three of our kids and say "wait...who's missing?" only to realize that no one was (until now of course). We certainly weren't thinking/hoping that this was the course that God had for us, as we were actively pursuing adoption (again). Again, this was where I have had to come face to face with how I define "trusting God".

All this being said, Simeon and I would dearly covet your prayers for a healthy pregnancy and baby. Encouragement for a seemingly failing mom and wife. As well as names for house cleaners and even possibly a babysitter available during the day that could come to our home while I am here. Thank you for understanding this and reading this. I try to be vulnerable, but sometimes come out whiny.