Tuesday, January 29, 2013


As Simeon and I were reading last night, I came across 2 verses that really spoke to me. They were both promises that I had skipped over many times before, not fully realizing that is what they are.

Psalm 34:4, "I sought (inquired of) the Lord and required Him [of necessity and on the authority of His Word], and He heard me, and delivered me from all my fears."

Psalm 34:18, "The Lord is close to those who are of a broken heart and saves such as are crushed with sorrow for sin and are humbly and thoroughly penitent."

These are both from the Amplified Bible version, and as I was reading, I had realized yet another thing. God's promises are true. God keeps His Word, but He demands something in return. Trust, faith, repentance, seeking, you name it. It's like a law of physics, 'for every action, there is an opposite and equal reaction'.

I cannot expect God to be close to me if I am only running away from Him. God does not chase, but that doesn't mean He is apathetic and aloof either. He waits. He tugs. He loves from a distance, until we   run to Him. 

I cannot expect God to answer me, when I do not earnestly seek Him. I plead for answers, but I am so focused on those "answers" that I forget Him. I yell at Him. Once again, He is patient, waiting for me to be done; to listen, so that He may deliver.

Through these past 2 days, I desperately want to be different, both Simeon and I do. We have decided to do a fast for the month of February. We want to spend more time in the word. To see what God wants of our lives, to find His treasures that He has for us. His promises, His healing, His miracles, and His consequences. 

Every year, at my church, our Pastor challenges us to give the first fruits of our year to Him. Part of the way we do that is through a Daniel Fast. (Fasting based on the book of Daniel). This teaches us to not be so dependent on our own lives and to truly seek what God has for us for the upcoming year.

This year, I didn't do it. I had no desire to do it. I could care less. If you read my last post, you know that I blamed and am still angry at God. However, I chose to go forward, to not let the devil with his manipulating lies keep me paralyzed in fear.

Simeon and I have chosen to do our own fast. Not a Daniel Fast, and not necessarily a media fast. I will explain what we are doing.

Foods we are only allowing ourselves to eat are:
Almond Milk
Greek Yogurt (or eggs)
Meal Replacement Shakes

This was a hard list, because we needed something that could provide protein and carbs. Vegetables and fruits are good at carbohydrates as well as nuts. The shakes, greek yogurt and eggs are good for protein. We needed that stuff because we are doing some pretty intensive working out.

Also, we are also fasting TV and gaming for the most part. It isn't because we have a stronghold in our lives, but because we do not spend enough time with our God. I have spent so much time being angry and blaming God, that I don't really know what His promises are. I really don't know Him at all in fact. he is my like a coworker. Someone I go to if I need help, but not someone I go out of my way to talk. That makes me sick just thinking about it. Not to mention, Simeon hangs out with his brothers by watching sports or playing games. That seems like an unfair thing to take away.

I will be deactivating(or whatever you want to call it) Facebook and Pinterest for a month. Every time I look at my feeds, I see what the newest baby decor, or maternity pictures or what not. I get angrier and even more bitter. I don't need that. I need to remove things that cause me to revert.

I will still text, and talk on the phone if I absolutely have to. If you want to invite me to anything ask me personally!

So that's it. That is what we are fasting in the month of February. If any of you would like to sincerely join us (even though you may have just finished a fast) allow yourselves to do so. God's tugging isn't just the first month of the year (nor is it only in the form of fasting). It's every day, every moment and we have to be sensitive to it, and this is how I am choosing to be sensitive.

Monday, January 28, 2013

Questions that Plague Me.

Lately, I have been a dead woman walking. It feels that a part of me is broken. Not physically, but spiritually and emotionally. Both my husband and I have been feeling like we are living day by day, but not really living. That something has died within us.

For me, I have let my hope die. I have let it go because of fear. Right now, fear is a large presence in my life, and I am comfortable with that, but I hate it. Isn't that so ridiculous of grief? You want to hope, but you're scared to, and in doing so, you are comfortable knowing that without hope, this is the worst you have to deal with. At the same time, I hate it. I hate every second of feeling that my life has one theme: Tragedy. There's a level of contentment, or rather, apathy that happens when hope is gone. It's scary because once someone has given up on hope, they have given up on God.

God is scary to me. I struggle daily with what I believe, knowing that it is all or nothing with our Lord. My thoughts are a ball of yarn with nothing but knots; leading me to thousands of different conclusions of what God's character truly is. I blame God for everything. I know I shouldn't and that I am giving into my flesh, but like I said, there is a certain amount of apathy that happens.

During all of this, I blame and point fingers at everyone but myself. I hate when people are insensitive, talking about who had the latest baby, flashing pictures in front of me, talking about their pregnancies that go on without a care, hearing how someone is struggling for thankfulness for yet another child, asking me questions about my pregnant sister-in-law, while I am here. Alone. Barren. Bitter. Spiteful. Chosen.

I blame others for caring more about abortion, than either infertility or miscarrying. What makes aborted children's lives so much more valuable than the others? A life is a life. I am angry at people who treat me like nothing has happened. I am angry at people who ask how I am, but don't stay around long enough to actually find out how I am. I am angry at those who back down because of how I may react. I am angry at those who tell me how to feel, yet have had no pain in their lives.

I am angry at pregnant women. I am angry that they get what God has said "yes" then "no" to me for. I am angry that they can complain about pregnancy, and not get how lucky they really are. I hate that they get a desire of my heart that has been there since childhood: a family. I am angry their bellies get to expand while mine only gets to expand, then go back down (depending on how much ice cream I eat).

I am angry at modern medicine. I am angry that there are no answers, that I am "perfectly healthy". I am angry that no matter how much I try to be healthy, it is such a mystery that it won't even matter. I am angry that this is so debilitating.

I am angry at social media, that no matter how hard I try to unfollow a board on Pinterest, or hide a person from my timeline on Facebook, that I consistently have to see what others are blessed with while I am cursed. 

I am angry at Satan, that he has coupled my past with now. That he has immobilized me to the point of cowering and not wanting to get back up, with a mountain of fear in front of me that I must climb. I am angry at him for using my own relationship with my father, to "show" me what kind of heavenly father I have. I am angry that the question from when I was 5, has become the question that plagues me now--Why was I even born? I am angry that I am less angry at him and more angry at God.

I am angry at my family, save all but one. That they go on with their lives, caring so little for their daughter and sister. That they care more about being right, than about being there for me. I am angry that I haven't tried as hard as I could with them, yet I am always the one to blame. I am angry that if I don't call them, I am nothing to them. Save all but one.

Most of all, I am angry at myself. I hate myself for being angry. I hate that I am not strong enough in faith to not fall so low to not get back up. I am angry at myself for being filled with bitterness and hatred. I am angry at myself for letting my defenses down and allowing Satan to win the battle. I am angry for being so angry at others, no matter how "justified". I am angry that I am angry with God, that I mock Him, that I call Him a liar, that I yell at Him, that I throw away any blessing He has given me because He has chosen to take away these children.

I am frustrated, knowing that if I don't blame God, there is no one else to blame but myself. Why us? Why has God chosen us and not any of my friends? Why are we the ones having to go through this time and time again? The thing I fear most is that it is because we are not good enough Christians, we don't have a deep enough walk with God. Is this punishment? Realization? There are so many questions I want answered...I NEED answered, and a God who is completely silent. Which is understandable, given how far away I have allowed myself to run wildly. Still...why? Why the heartbreak? Why has God chosen me and not someone stronger? What is His purpose in all of this? Why has he allowed this? Do I really want to know why? Do I really want to experience a God who could have stopped all of this? Do I really want to summit that mountain of fear, or camp out in the bottom, where the demons of hatred, bitterness, rage, and the wolves of worthlessness live?

I don't want to summit that mountain. I don't want to know how much harder this is going to be. If this is how it is at the bottom, I can't imagine what will happen along the way. Fearful and alone. But I will. Oh yes, I will decide to go. And I will keep going. I will turn back from time to time. I will slip and fall all the way back down. I will cry, and hug my knees at night wishing for death, because I see no life. But I will go. I will cling to the hope that even if 10000 fall, I will still stand. I will cling to the Hope that he is my anchor. That God is my path in the wilderness. I will cling to the hope that there will be hope. I will go. I will follow. I will fail, but I will succeed.