Friday, February 9, 2018

Trust Him.

As many of you know, we are now expecting our fourth little hobbit. Many have asked me how I am feeling about it.

I'll be honest. I am resenting being pregnant. I am so THRILLED to be adding a new baby to our little fold, so do NOT get me wrong. Pregnancy, for me is anything but easy. This pregnancy is shaping up to be the same.

For one, my morning sickness is extremely severe with this lil' hobbit. I am talking about once an hour I heave for a good 5-10 minutes, and I at least throw up 3-4 times a day.  Plus headaches  and terrible terrifying dreams that keep me awake (two symptoms I have had with all three pregnancies). This is hard physically.

Because of this, I have become little more than just a person laying on the couch. This means my house is a mess, food rests (mostly) squarely on Simeon's shoulders, and my kids are divided between levels of the house so we can "divide and conquer". Protein and Back Alley Sourdough is about all I can stomach most days, and like the last 6 pregnancies I have had, nothing helps. I more than not feel like a worthless mom, wife, homemaker...everything. Many things I had hoped for this coming year are coming to/have come to a screeching halt. Trips planned, goals hoped for--pretty much done. Not because we CAN'T do them, but because we don't know if we will be ABLE to do them. This is hard emotionally. 

I recently found out that my thyroid issues could cause some major complications in pregnancy, including premature birth, preeclampsia, miscarriage, postpartum hemorrhage, anemia and placental abruption. This scares me and the guilt of this happening and me being responsible/irresponsible is overwhelming. My levels need to be at TSH .4 and they are at .04. That is a big difference. (Also, is a reason for my severe morning sickness). My doctor is great and will be monitoring my levels, and although I would love to deal with this naturally, time constraints do not really allow for that sort of experimentation. On top of realizing how fickle I am ("I want babies!"; "I don't want anymore!"), and my wrong view of trusting God, the guilt and spiritual strain is quickly becoming overwhelming. I feel as if I put all of my trust in His hands, but subconsciously/inherently think that because 100% of it is in His hands, that He won't really "test" (this is not the right word, but it's the only one I can think of at the moment) me on that trust.

Now, again, don't get me wrong. I am not trying to whine, nor am I unthankful for this baby, and by oh golly do Simeon and I want another one. I can't tell you how many times we both look at all three of our kids and say "wait...who's missing?" only to realize that no one was (until now of course). We certainly weren't thinking/hoping that this was the course that God had for us, as we were actively pursuing adoption (again). Again, this was where I have had to come face to face with how I define "trusting God".

All this being said, Simeon and I would dearly covet your prayers for a healthy pregnancy and baby. Encouragement for a seemingly failing mom and wife. As well as names for house cleaners and even possibly a babysitter available during the day that could come to our home while I am here. Thank you for understanding this and reading this. I try to be vulnerable, but sometimes come out whiny.