Wednesday, March 7, 2018


Today, I have sat here and puttered around a bit while Grandma Audrey took the kiddos to Rachel's house and Rachel came here to clean, grocery shop, and pick up lunch. All while Kimberly came and dropped off supper for us.
With the onslaught of kindness, love, serving, and food being brought upon me (and my little family), it's been considerably hard to ask for help, but even harder to ACCEPT the help.
I've come to realize there is a big difference between accepting help and TRULY ACCEPTING HELP. I feel that truly accepting help means laying your pride and guilt at the door. TRULY accepting help is simply being thankful, knowing that there are zero expectations or strings attached to the offers of love. I have had a hard time feeling like I should be puking every moment of someone being here. Or that I should feel worse asking someone to wipe a fridge, when I am standing there showing them the rags and fridge. Nausea is a constant companion, as is exhaustion, but it doesn't feel like enough of a reason to be asking for help. God has been really working on my heart during this pregnancy. I didn't think another baby would be His vessel to deal with my pride and guilt (usually those two working in tandem), but it is--and there will probably be another vessel another time to deal with them again. See, I think...I think that accepting help isn't because you deserve it--either with how horrible you feel or don't feel. Accepting help is God asking you to be a Mary. Many of us know the Bible story, the one so many Bible studies are based on, "Being a Mary in a Martha World", that sort of thing. For those of you that don't here's a recap. Mary and Martha were sisters, close friends of Jesus, who were preparing for His arrival. Martha kept working while Mary just went to sit with her Friend and Savior. Martha was unhappy doing everything herself and was essentially upset at Mary. Jesus gently rebuked Martha, telling her that only ONE thing was TRULY needed, and that Mary had chosen the better choice. I think, on some levels, we are all "Martha's" and feel like we NEED to be "Mary's". Someday, I desperately want to know how Mary and Martha truly were. I don't see Mary as being uncaring and unhelpful, but rather, beautifully distracted by the inane and constant responsibilities of this world, to bask in the restfulness and peace that her Friend offered. In just the same manner, I don't see Martha as a task master, nor necessarily as someone who wanted everything done just right, but rather, something done to perfection for HER Friend as well. I have often thought of Martha and Mary and who they truly were. I think both trying to please their friend, the best way they knew how. Which leads me back to this current aspect of my life. I've taken on the role of doing everything, getting everything ready, and what not, simply because I have to, and even, on some level WANT to. I love providing meals and cleanliness for our home for our family. I may not like doing it, but I love the end result. I love doing my best for my family. I think, I have been too caught up in it for so long now. I think that God has been trying to lay on my heart to ask and accept help because HE has me and my family provided for. More importantly, He has HIS family provided for. For so long, I felt like a Martha, working behind the scenes, offering my best, while trying to not hold onto any grumbling. And all the while, He has been trying to teach me to be a Mary. There is a season to be a Martha, and there is a season to be a Mary. We can offer our best, and still need to remember what is most important. So, here's to choosing to be a Mary right now--or at least who I envision her to truly be. I think of Mary at just being so amazed and restful in Jesus's presence, that all else faded away. Not because she was unaware of anything to do, not because she was immature and didn't want to help, and not because she was shirking responsibilities, but because everything else had grown strangely dim when she entered His presence. There will be a time to be a Martha, and to choose to give my best behind the scenes, and to do menial tasks, making sure everything is taken care of for people who are here. But for now, I have got to learn to be a Mary and just sit at my Lord's feet and trust Him that everything will be taken care of. And maybe, just maybe, in this season of sickness and busyness, God's wanting me to come sit by Him, and maybe, just maybe, He wants my company too...

Monday, March 5, 2018

Barren Wasteland, Abundant Harvest.

A friend texted me today about how having kids has been easy, yet she would never say those words to someone struggling with infertility. We then chatted about how each side has its own hardships.

You see friends, I have been in the barren wasteland of motherhood. Not nearly as long as others, but also much longer than I ever thought would be. I have 3 babies whom I will not know what they look like until I reach the wonderful presence of my Savior in Heaven. 3 babies that sit on the Utmost's lap, instead of my own. Those days, weeks, months, and even years were debilitating for me. Heart-wrenching. The amount of yearning and longing cannot be put into words, nor put into some sense of measurement. Bitterness, anger, frustration, faithlessness, and hopelessness lay in wait of every day for me. By the grace of God, before we had our first child, many of those were dealt with, some were not.

Fast forward to now. I have a 3 year old, 2 year old, 1 year old, and another baby on the way. That's right. Our family will have upgraded from 3 under 3, to 4, 4 and under. I sit many days and reflect over the last few years. Not only the blessings wrought from each baby, but also...the hardships. 

When our first (Addie) was born, we were ecstatic. She was really quite a hard baby for the first few months, and although feelings of frustration and even anger came to the surface often, they were held in check by the 3 miscarriages and 2 years of infertility prior to her. For she was HERE, in MY arms, every crying and screaming fit seemed mostly dull in comparison and I was THANKFUL, ever so thankful for her.

Five months after she was born, I remember finding out that I was pregnant again! I was...shocked? Happy? Scared? Honestly, I was mostly just bewildered. The day before we found out, my husband said "You know, we could have another one and I'd be fine." The day we DID find out his response was, "Okay, when I said we could have another one, I didn't mean right NOW!". It was kind of funny, but after Addie, we had opted to not do anything contraception wise because of how difficult it was to have her here, in our arms. So, we knew this was a possibility, but we were also surprised. Clara was born late December, and we were so happy and relieved to have another baby here, safe and sound. Sadly, I did nothing to prepare us as a family (outside of making meals) for having 2 under 2 (Addie was just over a year old), and realistically, other than simply teaching Addie to wait for things for me to help her with, there wasn't much I could have done. Recovery with Clara was hard. Looking back, I did have a mild case of postpartum depression. I wasn't happy she was here. Some days I looked at her and didn't want her here. The amount of heartbreak and guilt at that admission was staggering. I tried to do normal stuff, be normal, but there was a chunk of my emotions that were so off, coupled with adrenal fatigue that left me...weary. She was admitted to the hospital when she was just over ten weeks old for RSV and truly, that experience was harrowing. RSV is extremely treatable, but having my young daughter be in there for over 5 days made me really come face to face with what was happening to me. Many long hours were spent praying and trying to regain the same love I had when Addie was born. Thankfully, shortly thereafter, it was restored. I even found a size up of Clara's coming home outfit as kind of a second chance for me and her.

Three weeks after the RSV hospital stay with Clara, we found out we were pregnant AGAIN! I will be honest. Staring at the test, the first thought that went through my mind was an unsavory phrase. I was kind of in shock and denial for a few days (maybe weeks, I can't really remember). I didn't quite know what to do other than to pray ridiculously hard against the battle of post partum depression when this baby came. Other than making our kids wait, and do the normal baby prep things, I didn't do much. Being in baby mode for 3 years didn't really require much work on this end. By the time Ezekiel came into our arms, it was a HUGE relief (a 9 pound, 9 oz baby delivered without an epidural will do that to do, trust me). Recovery was easy. I was happy he was here. Sure things were busy and scary and overwhelming, but there was not an OUNCE of resentment. Ezekiel's pregnancy and birth were difficult on my body, and my husband and I were really hoping to not have any more biological kids, and to adopt instead.

We started the adoption process, a few months ago, only to find out that we were pregnant again. I cried. I honestly did. I didn't WANT to be pregnant again. I wanted another baby, but not this way. The first weeks of this pregnancy have been difficult to muddle through. Not only realizing how fickle I am, but also how my definition of "trust" had to be redefined and brought alongside with what God's word says it is as well. Spiritually, it was difficult for me because I didn't think that God would ask this of me again--but He did. It was difficult to wrap my head around being pregnant again. I was just getting to the point of being at the health and size I wanted to be. I finally felt that I had my thyroid diet under control. This was going to be the year I did stuff with my kids for FUN. It seemed in a moment, every one of those selfish thoughts were asked to be given into the palms of His hands. On top of all the physical ailments, fears of how my thyroid would affect this baby, emotional guilt, this has been very hard.

You see friends, I have been through the barren wasteland of motherhood, but I have also been through the abundant harvest of motherhood. Neither one is without their own challenges, their own aches, their own frustrations, or their own longings. Both aspects of the vastly different sides are equally challenging in wildly different aspects. I would never brag about how easy it has been to have kids after our bout of death and infertility. Nor would I tell a mom who has so many kids that it's better than having none. Like many things in life, there is a delicate balance.

You see, while I have been in what my husband and I call "The Baby Season", I have had some pretty...hard thoughts. A constant companion of mine has been guilt. When it was in the barren season, guilt over being bitter and angry consumed me. During the 3 under 3 years, it was guilt over those who wanted children and couldn't. I felt so undeserving--especially since many of my thoughts were not in line with children being a gift. Now, guilt is my companion with not being able to do what a mom and a wife should do. Guilt follows me when I lay down and when someone brings us lunch, supper, runs errands, or cleans my home for me. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.

I want to encourage you moms--whatever season you are in. The ONLY thing I have learned, is that the only thing we can do is CLING to God--and I do mean CLING. Grasp for Him. Hold onto Him. He can take the heartache and pain and create from it beauty and life. He can take the resentment and bitterness and make it into thankfulness and peace. he can take the depression and make it joyful. He can take the overwhelmed and exhaustion, and make it restful. He can even take the guilt and make it blissful innocence. Whatever your shackles, whatever your binds, cling to God in them and He can create so much more than you could ever imagine.

I still struggle. I still fail. And like I said, guilt is my constant companion. I feel unworthy of people loving us and providing for us. Please don't feel like this. There is a beautiful network integrated into the body of Christ, people hearing God's call and helping whenever or wherever they can. Tap into it, for whatever your needs are, big or small. I have seen God just love on us through people and I am nothing short of humbled, completely and overwhelmingly humbled. So peace, mama, peace. He's got you whether you are in the barren wasteland of miscarriages and infertility, and He has what you need in what might seem to be the never-ending harvest of motherhood. Lay down your pride, trust Him and watch yourself be humbled and amazed at how He takes care of you. 

Friday, February 9, 2018

Trust Him.

As many of you know, we are now expecting our fourth little hobbit. Many have asked me how I am feeling about it.

I'll be honest. I am resenting being pregnant. I am so THRILLED to be adding a new baby to our little fold, so do NOT get me wrong. Pregnancy, for me is anything but easy. This pregnancy is shaping up to be the same.

For one, my morning sickness is extremely severe with this lil' hobbit. I am talking about once an hour I heave for a good 5-10 minutes, and I at least throw up 3-4 times a day.  Plus headaches  and terrible terrifying dreams that keep me awake (two symptoms I have had with all three pregnancies). This is hard physically.

Because of this, I have become little more than just a person laying on the couch. This means my house is a mess, food rests (mostly) squarely on Simeon's shoulders, and my kids are divided between levels of the house so we can "divide and conquer". Protein and Back Alley Sourdough is about all I can stomach most days, and like the last 6 pregnancies I have had, nothing helps. I more than not feel like a worthless mom, wife, homemaker...everything. Many things I had hoped for this coming year are coming to/have come to a screeching halt. Trips planned, goals hoped for--pretty much done. Not because we CAN'T do them, but because we don't know if we will be ABLE to do them. This is hard emotionally. 

I recently found out that my thyroid issues could cause some major complications in pregnancy, including premature birth, preeclampsia, miscarriage, postpartum hemorrhage, anemia and placental abruption. This scares me and the guilt of this happening and me being responsible/irresponsible is overwhelming. My levels need to be at TSH .4 and they are at .04. That is a big difference. (Also, is a reason for my severe morning sickness). My doctor is great and will be monitoring my levels, and although I would love to deal with this naturally, time constraints do not really allow for that sort of experimentation. On top of realizing how fickle I am ("I want babies!"; "I don't want anymore!"), and my wrong view of trusting God, the guilt and spiritual strain is quickly becoming overwhelming. I feel as if I put all of my trust in His hands, but subconsciously/inherently think that because 100% of it is in His hands, that He won't really "test" (this is not the right word, but it's the only one I can think of at the moment) me on that trust.

Now, again, don't get me wrong. I am not trying to whine, nor am I unthankful for this baby, and by oh golly do Simeon and I want another one. I can't tell you how many times we both look at all three of our kids and say "wait...who's missing?" only to realize that no one was (until now of course). We certainly weren't thinking/hoping that this was the course that God had for us, as we were actively pursuing adoption (again). Again, this was where I have had to come face to face with how I define "trusting God".

All this being said, Simeon and I would dearly covet your prayers for a healthy pregnancy and baby. Encouragement for a seemingly failing mom and wife. As well as names for house cleaners and even possibly a babysitter available during the day that could come to our home while I am here. Thank you for understanding this and reading this. I try to be vulnerable, but sometimes come out whiny. 

Monday, July 17, 2017

To the Woman...

To the woman who is waiting on a child to call her own someday:
Draw as close to your Savior and Creator as possible. Motherhood is no joke. You will need the strength of that relationship, the one you cultivated with a broken heart, the one you lovingly and faithfully tended, the one you faltered and failed in, to raise your children. That relationship, that fortitude, that faithfulness, will help you mother your children--no mater how they come to be yours. Be joyous in time with your husband. Enjoy eachother. Do things you never thought you would do. Do not make him feel like he isn't enough--because even though he isn't, neither is a child. Only God will do. This time is aching, heart breaking, and suffocating. There may be moments of lightness, only for emotions to cave in on you, going through the cycle of "hope" and "hopelessness each and every month. I get it. I understand.

To the woman who just had a baby:
Love your baby, but love God more. You will feel overwhelmed. You will probably feel like a failure. You may feel like God has entrusted you with this new life, and you are anything but prepared, or even good enough for it. God will carry you through. I am not going to tell you to cherish these moments, because these moments are hard. The exhaustion. The feedings. The diapers. The rinse and repeat. The crying for seemingly no reason. The feeling that you are ill equipped. You are NOT. You are equipped for THIS child--God chose YOU to be this child's mother, and for good reason. This child needed YOU. 

To the woman who feels guilty:
Right now, you may be looking down at this new life and wondering why you aren't happy they are here. You may feel nothingness, or worse yet, guilt. You may feel like you can't do this, but you have to because you are, after all, this child's mother. You may be battling constant feelings of darkness, and wondering why in the world you cannot seem to shake it. Do not succumb to the temptation to do nothing. You WILL get through this. Do not succumb to the temptation to keep it to yourself. You WILL get through this. Motherhood is hard, but feeling like you don't want to be a mother even though you are, is even harder. Trust that God will carry you through this, maybe through a friend, maybe through a counselor. Speak what is happening out loud. There is freedom in honesty. It may be a long road to find the joy, BUT YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS--I know this because we have an everlasting Father who does not deal in guilt. He deals in joy. Let Him (and others) help you. 

To the woman of multiple littles:
This is hard, isn't it? I promise that it will continue being hard until one's a little bit easier. Then another day, it's even easier than the one before. During this time, you may need to learn the art of saying "no" and the art of asking "please?". These are important. Do not let your feelings of  being overwhelmed, nor pridefulness get in your way. As believers, we are there to help each other. The art of saying "no" does not mean you will never do anything every again--it means, that maybe, just for now, your family comes first--that's okay. Better to be raising sharp arrows than to be too busy to sharpen them. Asking for help does not indicate weakness. It indicates strength. Many follow pride, for that is not difficult. However, those who humble themselves are wise indeed. As you go through this time, remember your children are learning, watching. What do you want to teach them? How to not ask for help? How to always be busy? Or how to value time and each other? How to value humility and asking. Asking will create a heart of understanding and giving for when you are out of this time, or even when there are breaks in this time of motherhood. Trust the Father, and trust His truth. 

And Lastly

To the woman who has had to say goodbye to her child/children:
I am so sorry. There are no words that can solve, soothe, or cure your aching heart. There is nothing that will help, but for a short time. Time will help, but the problem with time is that it seemingly takes so long to help. Another child may help, but they are not a replacement. Ultimately, rest assured that God will carry you through even this. Even when your legs may fail and your steps falter, yes, He will carry you through even this. There is no burden too great for Him to carry. No grief too large for Him to grieve with you. Know this. THIS was NOT His plan! He may use it for the betterment of you and others, but this, in no way, was a part of HIS PLAN. Rest in Him. Be still in Him. Don't try to impress others with a face a "deep faith" that does not get shaken (although, if it isn't, that's good). Don't try to rush your grief. Like your child's DNA is unique to them and them alone, so is your grief to you. You will never be done grieving, you may even, at some time feel guilty for being happy, for forgetting about them, but don't. Just like death isn't in our Creator's plan, nor is guilt for this reason. May you find freedom and joy in our Lord, regardless of your circumstances. 

*I know that this doesn't pertain to everyone, but if there is something that I have learned from my married life it's these themes. I am no great wordsmith, nor am I extremely wise--I do after all, have quite a bit more learning to do. I do wish, however, that had I known and been gently given these words, I might have known that someone was with me. Standing with me. Knew what I was going through. Vocalized what I was going through. I do not want to be silent, because silence can create isolation, and we are not beings who need perfection from other struggling beings. We are beings who need encouragement, love, laughter, exhortation, and above all--fellowship. This doesn't mean "go to church and sit and listen" it means carrying each other's burdens and carrying their joys. So...that's what I am aiming to do I guess.*

Friday, May 19, 2017

Mother's Day

Facebook is my nemesis on holidays--namely Mother's Day. While others are praising their own mothers for all the loving and beneficial things they can remember the woman who gave them life, doing for them, I am left searching, trying, to find good memories of my own mom. Trying to work up the gracious courage to call and wish her a Happy Mother's Day because it is something important to her that blesses her.

While husbands are praising their wives, publically, for all the things their beloved does for their family, I have a husband who seemingly forgets that I exist---especially on Mother's Day. (This is not to say that my husband is a bad man, nor doesn't do anything, but he simply just doesn't think that way and I am still struggling with living with the fact that he does. Not wrong, just different. Hurtful different, but different.)

It used to be that Facebook was my eternal nemesis on Mother's Day because it mocked me. All the women who gave birth or adopted other children into their families were praised, and I was alone. Barren. 

Now, I am alone. Prolific. 

It's a deep hurt. One that goes so far below the surface that I am not sure how to handle it. I am foolish enough to continue to allow it to mock me. I look at it, and rather than feeling...encouraged by all those who have (and continue) to go before me, I feel alone. Worthless. Wholly inadequate. It affects me no matter how many layers of masks I put on. Any small mistake, any small upset, becomes monumental. Mole hills become mountains. 

I wish I could rest in what the Bible says about me. I wish I could fully believe and grasp and be affected by what God thinks of me. But years of lies spring to my mind on Mother's Day (even more so than regular days). Years of blame, come to rest on my shoulders. Years of "you're unloveable", "we didn't want you", "it's your fault we don't have the finances", and being called every cuss word under the sun repeatedly ring in my ears, repeatedly, on Mother's Day. 

This is an extremely "woe is me post" and I recognize that, I truly do. I want to enlighten you to the fact, that on Mother's Day, not everyone has a great Mother's Day. To be honest, not being celebrated by my husband makes me feel like a failure. Satan has a great stronghold on me for this holiday, and I hate it, loathe it, despise it--right now, both the particular chink in my armor and the day itself.

Next Mother's Day, as you are being celebrated and loved, or are loving, please extend some of that love to someone who may not have it. To someone who you might know doesn't have a great relationship with their parents. To a woman who might not have a super emotionally engaged husband, because you never know that your words of encouragement might be just what they need. And if you can't find or think of anyone else you know, I will greedily take any encouragement you might have to offer, because Lord knows, I could use it. 

Thursday, April 20, 2017

The Hard

It's hard being motherless. 
It's hard being a mother. 
It's hard desiring a child, with no end to waiting in sight. 
It's hard having a child. 
It's hard wishing for messes from little ones to clean up. 
It's hard cleaning up messes as soon as you've just cleaned. 
It's hard wanting a baby to rock and cuddle with. 
It's hard having a baby that only wants to be rocked and cuddled with.
It's hard seeing your Facebook feed inundated with baby announcements. 
It's hard seeing your Facebook feed inundated by adventurous couples. 
It's hard wanting to help someone as they have a sick child. 
It's hard being that someone who has a sick child.
It's hard passing by baby clothing and wanting to buy, but not having a reason to. 

It's hard finding deals/hand-me-downs for children that fit in your budget.
It's hard seeing pictures of babies, messy with food, and you wishing for that. 

It's hard cooking for your children, and all they do is fight it. 
It's hard feeling so alone and lonely inside. 
It's hard feeling like you never have a moment to yourself. 
It's hard to want your body to change with life inside it. 
It's hard to get your body to change once life is outside it. 
It's hard researching all the reasons why you're not pregnant. 
It's hard realizing all the reasons you no longer want to be pregnant. 
It's hard to deal with the guilt from not being supportive of your pregnant friend. 
It's hard to deal with the guilt of not wanting to be a mother. 
It's hard to stay in God's word when it seems His promises do not apply to you. 
It's hard to stay in God's word when you feel like there's no quiet time to be with Him. 
It's hard to want to be with your husband because he doesn't understand the desire. 
It's hard to FIND TIME to be with your husband. 

Mothers...It. Is. Hard. It's all hard. Both spectrums, completely different, completely hard. One is not greater than the other. They are different.

I can say with utmost authority, that we CANNOT downplay eachother's times of "hard". We cannot diminish someone's current "hard" by comparing it to their previous "hard". We cannot say superficial phrases to pacify someone's current struggles with their "hard". 

Friends, we have got to carry each other's burdens. We have got to exhort. We have got to encourage. If we just say something so cliche to just....acknowledge that we heard them...what are we doing?!

Women who've gone through the burdens and struggles of young motherhood--I am speaking to you. 

Friends of the women who cannot seem to get pregnant, yet so desperately desire motherhood--I am speaking to you. 

Mothers of young children, who are walking this path--I am speaking to you. 

EVERYTHING we do, will help shape the mothers of today--the children they are mothering. THAT IS THE GREATEST burden!!! If all we can say is "It's just a season" or "But do you remember before?', how are we encouraging each other. How are we directing each other to Christ. How are we carrying each other's burdens to the best of our ability? Have we become so busy and infatuated with ourselves that we forget that there are serious hurts in someone's path of infertility? Deep doubts in the young mothers trying to raise their children? Vast canyons of overwhelmedness in the woman's spirit? 

As someone who dealt with less infertility and miscarriages than others, I ask that you please remember those women as you speak. Be thoughtful in your words. Be kind in your dealings. Be courteous in your actions.

 As a young mother, I ask that you listen to us young mothers. Be gracious in your compliments. Be thoughtful in your suggestions. Be generous with your time. Be abundant with your encouragement. Be reminded of your own journey through motherhood and do not downplay it. Yes it is a season, but with your help, it can be a springtime of seasons, rather than a winter. 

And everyone. Please remember the hard. The hard is hard. We do not have the authority to compare the hard, but we do have the ability to help the hard. 
 "Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." Galatians 6:2
*** I only wrote what I have personally dealt with. I know there is so much other hard than what I have experienced. We ought to still carry the commands of Christ in our heart and carry each other's burdens. Just as many hands make light work, many hands make a heavy burden light.*** 

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

He Is The Great Father.

It's been months since I have written anything. Partially due to busyness that just so happens to be life, and partially due to fear. I am fearful of writing something that someone just shouldn't write. I am fearful of being criticized for some parts of motherhood that I was unprepared for. Dirty, messy, sticky, and dark parts. 

I want to start of by saying that I love my daughters. Both of them. Dearly. Nothing can change that.

But there's an awful part to being a mother that I was NOT prepared for. After having Addie, I was over the moon and thrilled and joyful. Even on the hardest days, I remembered what the pain was to NOT have her, and that kept me going.

Clara...Clara is a different story. When I found out I was pregnant only 5 months after giving birth I was so overwhelmed an thankful! A prayer not yet prayed, was answered. As the pregnancy progressed I was sad to miss out on so much with Addie, due to that ever persistent morning sickness. The pregnancy wore on me, emotionally and physically. I think I was happy. I think I was excited. I wasn't too worried about life with 2 under 2 though.

Fast forward to December 23, when our sweet Clara Grace was born! My first reaction was relief. She was here. She was safe. She was a she! I was prayerful (and asked others as well) to be in prayer for a baby that was able to nurse well, because pumping again seemed pretty difficult with a 14 month old running around and needing me. Again, another prayer answered!

Amidst all this joy and thankfulness, by the second week after bringing her home, I started feeling lost, adrift..drowning. Clara couldn't handle my let down and started throwing up every time I nursed her, but would take a bottle better, even then it was inconsistent of when she would projectile or not. By the second week, something was off. I wasn't happy that she was here. I felt awful. By the second week, I started second guessing everything that is within me on what it means to be "mother". By the second week, I was lamenting that I was again, missing out on so much time with Adelaide. By the second week...I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me.

Perhaps there's denial, but I honestly don't think it's post partum depression. I think life is hard. I think anytime new life is added to a family, it gets harder. It doesn't matter if it's 2 under 2, 3 under 3, 1 child, 14 children, or children spaced exactly how you want them. You will, in fact, be the busiest you've ever known you can be no matter what season of life you are in. 

Fast forward to now. 8 weeks in; 2 months.  I'm starting to pack away Clara's newborn outfits (well, actually pass them on to her cousin instead) and I am lamenting. I wish I could tell you that things have gotten better between this little extension of her father and I, but alas, they have not. I still feel like I am shortchanging her. I still feel burdened by her instead of joyous for having her. And passing on those little newborn outfits reminds me of what I am missing out on. 

And this, this my friends is where I am fearful. Every child is a gift from the Lord. I know that this is a season. I know that I do love her. But guys, I am just not ready for her, and that makes me feel like the worst mother in the world. I feel guilty that we have been blessed with 2 girls after having a struggle with even having one and knowing others are in the midst of yearning and grief. 

Perhaps it is depression, perhaps it's hormones, perhaps it's simply just the devil finding a weak chink in my armor and exploiting it. Whatever it is, I don't know how to get out of it. I don't know how to be different.

So, why am I writing this? Why am I being vulnerable? For camaraderie, for solidarity, and for prayer. I am writing this so that if you are a mother who is feeling the same way, we are out there. I don't believe this is something to be ashamed of. I do, however, believe it is something that needs to be vocalized.  So I am asking for help. Of which kind, I really don't know. I just know I need it. 

Psalms 29:11 "The Lord gives His people strength. The Lord blesses them with peace." 
Psalms 34:6 "In my desperation I prayed, and the Lord listened; He saved me from all of my troubles."