Lately, Addie’s nights have been proving to be exceptionally hard to lay her down. I often don’t know what to do to try to calm her down. I don’t know how many things I should try. I don’t know if I should just leave her be to soothe herself. I usually just swing by the seat of my pants. Almost every night ends in me cuddling her to sleep after she has finally wore herself down. Last night, I started crying in defeat. Then, I started singing to her, and as her tiny arm slid down mine in her exhaustion whilst falling asleep, my tears of defeat changed to tears of thankfulness. For less than one year ago, was I not mourning for our children in heaven? One year ago, I was battling infertility and the spiritual battles that came along side it. Last night I realized just how short sighted I was in the realm of my God. How impatient I am in the things that I want, and just how strongly I feel not only defeat, and sadness, but joy and thankfulness as well.
I am thankful for my years of difficulty, because they have made becoming a mother, the difficult parts so much more bearable and enjoyable. Yes, I still get defeated and frustrated, but the thoughts of my years of darkness are never far from my mind. There are some dim aspects of motherhood that I was not prepared for, but they pale in comparison to the void of darkness from years past. So, again, I am finding myself being thankful for the opportunity to have this crying, nay, screaming babe in my arms. I am thankful for not knowing what to do, because it means she is here. It means my little promise from God is here, in my arms, entrusted to me. I may not be joyful in every situation that Addie girl throws my way, but I am most certainly thankful, because without the grace of God, I could be crying for entirely different reasons right now.
A year can change everything. A moment can change everything. This was a moment that changed my heart attitude. These nights are hard and puzzling, but who knows what I will remember in a year from now. Perhaps I will need to be reminded once again, how everything has a season and just how those seasons of difficulty will all come to an end for those of us that know Christ. He is far sighted, where I am near sighted.