I am sincerely troubled about writing this, because it is so close to a situation happening, and I fear that some may take it very personally. However, this is my own struggle dealing with it.
Last night, someone told me, "Just wait until you become a mom". These seven words were heart wrenching to hear. Like a stab of hurt. A slice of pain. You see, in those 7 little words, the truth that I am a mother, was diminished. The truth that I have been trying so hard to hold onto, that I have children, was attacked just once more. An innocent statement, but a hurtful one. In a mere matter of seconds, it showed that since their child was alive, mine did not matter. A slew of words, making me matter less than them because they are mothers, and I, apparently am not. I had to really struggle to be gracious in that moment. I opened my mouth, and said, "It is hard for me to hear you say that. You don't understand, but when a miscarriage happens, the desire grows stronger." I had to struggle to not say, "Hey, thanks for asking how I am doing. Did you know that I got to have an appointment with an infertility physician and your comment is totally rude and careless." I thought about Proverbs. How many times it talks about being silent, and a wise man listens, and everything else. I was more than likely foolish to speak, but even now, I think, "Do you know what it took for me to come over and speak to you about how you are adjusting to motherhood? Do you know what it takes for me to not avoid you? All you can talk about is yourself? Have you even bothered to ever ask me how I am doing? Why do you want everyone to rejoice with you, but you can't mourn with me?" I am still hurt, still struggling with graciousness.
I keep thinking about how gracious I have to be all the time. I wonder how often people have to be gracious with me. I know that I am not above it, just because I have a harder road to walk. I still have to watch my words. I still have to watch my actions. I wonder if anyone can understand the courage it takes to muster even seeing another's newborn child. I wonder if anyone knows the strength it takes to babysit every day. I am selfish. I know. I wonder if anyone knows the pure tenacity it takes to see children growing, that should be right alongside mine, and to not blow a gasket. Yet, I still wonder. You see, there is a pain that goes farther down than any mother can actually know, unless they have been through miscarriages. I feel that there is even more to say....to urge...because I know. I understand.
Dealing with miscarriages doesn't end at a certain time. It doesn't end at being pregnant again. It doesn't end. There will be a day, with no more pain and no more fears (thanks Jeremy Camp), but that day...it's hard to get to that day. Obedience doesn't mean that day will come in this lifetime, nor does faith or trust. They alleviate, they help, they heal, but they don't cure. Care for someone you know when they deal with this, please, I beg of you. It doesn't have to be me. But their heart cries, their heart hurts. Help them, be gracious with your words, with your time, with your prayers, with your actions, and with your thoughts.
I keep thinking about Ephesians 5 as I write this. Particularly verses 1&2, and 15&16. "Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.....Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.".
I know that I struggle with bitterness and jealousy on a daily basis, yet I also know that I try to set aside my feelings and love others. I try to "mourn with those who mourn and rejoice with those who rejoice". I also know that I am not stellar at it. I know I fail...a lot. I know it isn't good enough a lot of the time. I know that I probably make people uncomfortable. I know I am not really that great anyways. I know, but I try.
A long time ago, while listening to Brett teach, I wrote this note. I don't remember his teaching, but I remember writing this. "How can we fix a broken world, when we, as fellow Christians are broken and few are willing to spend the investment to help others heal". I am fairly sure that came from me, but it could have come from Pastor Brett, I honestly don't remember. I still think about that often though. How many of us are broken, torn apart, begging for healing, asking for healing--yet hardly anyone notices, sees it, and even if they do, responds to it? Is this living as wise and making the most of every opportunity? Is this mourning when others mourn? Is this iron sharpening iron? I am awful at this, I am so selfish of wanting everyone to validate my feelings that I don't even realize that someone else may be in just the same amount of pain as I am--maybe with a different issue, but pain is pain. Hurt is hurt.
I have been rambling a lot lately, no clear focus to my writing. My only thought, is dealing with miscarriages, and now infertility--and no one asking. No one caring to know. The hurt that happens with the pain of circumstances, is magnified by others. I don't want someone else I know to go through that. I am thankful for this period of life, because it has given me a perspective for the hurting that wasn't there before. I was wrapped in my own little cocoon of selfishness. It isn't an easy cocoon to break. I am thankful to experience God's love in a different way. A way, that transcends myself. A way that I get to say, "It isn't because I loved, it's because God loved" every time I visit new parents. Every time I babysit. A way that I get to value children more because I desire to have them more. A way that God lets me invest in children's lives, and a way, that although it's hard many days, I can say, "God loves me, so I am loving you. You do not deserve the bitterness, anger, or jealousy I struggle with.". Ultimately, it's simple. I love, only because God allows me to love beyond myself. I frequently wonder if friends that become parents are disappointed with me. That I didn't do enough to show that I am happy for them. I wonder if I am not a good enough friend because I don't always put my feelings aside. I say stupid things. I am harsh. Sigh, but I am trying. Be gracious because He is gracious.