He Gets It

This past Sunday, my heart was heavy but at the same time light. The Holy Spirit was alive and well in my heart--something I have sorely missed. I have a confession, these past few months, I have found it increasingly difficult to have an attitude of thankfulness and joy. I know that I have many things to be thankful for, but being thankful is the challenge. I have been in this pit of joylessness, and hopelessness. But this week, a spark of understanding has taken root in my heart.

This Sunday, I was looking for verses about the barren woman that conveyed hope--there are quite a few, but something that totally astounded me, was all of the verses that conveyed understanding. They didn't convey harsh critical words for being a failure for my hopelessness. They didn't convey disappointment. They didn't convey judgement. They conveyed understanding. For so long, I have been living in disappointment and blame of myself. No more. In Proverbs 30:15b-16 it says that there are four things that are never satisfied....four! 'The grave, the barren womb, the earth that is never satisfied with water, and the fire'. Four things, and God understands my unsatisfied desire. Four. The number blows my mind. Granted this passage was written by a man, but it was put in the Bible by God. It is God-breathed. There are so many more references of not only barrenness, but miscarriages also. In Job it mentions how "he preys on the barren, who do not bear, and does no good for the widow". Simeon and I are preyed upon, as well as many others in our situation--no wonder our marriage, our relationship with each other, as well as with Christ, have needed copious amounts of effort, and work. No wonder our marriage has suffered and has needed so much repair...no wonder.

Aside from understanding, some verses bring joy right where I am, and hope for the future. What a marvelous Father, who not only understands the heft of not having children, but also knows in advance what is needed--reasons for joy now, and hope for what will come to pass. Omnipotence is truly a potent thought. The verse for the future? Psalm 113:9 "He settles the childless woman in her home as a happy mother of children." I am clinging to this verse...holding on with all the desperation in my soul. At this point, I was crying, because for once, I found hope again. God gave me the gift of hope. Then He gave me another gift--the gift of understanding and joy with Isaiah 54. The very chapter starts out with, " 'Sing, O barren, You who have not borne! Break forth into singing and cry aloud, You who have not labored with child! For more are the children of the desolate than the children of the married woman,' says the Lord". This undid me, because it is the truth. The scales fell off. The truth lit the way to the source of joy.

You see, I began thinking about it--if I had my own children, would I be babysitting and miss out on the treasure of the little ones there? Would I have time for them? Would I receive all the blessings they give me on a daily basis? Would I have so many young ones telling me they love me? Would I be such an integrated part of their lives as I am now? I can pretty easily say that I wouldn't be where I am. And where I am, is right where God wants me. Trusting, faithful, joyful, and hopeful.

The rest of Isaiah 54 is ripe with joy and hope for my circumstances. Even my verse that I have thought about with our children in heaven is in Isaiah 54. "All your children will be taught by the Lord, and great shall be their peace." I have always remembered this verse and the comfort it brings.

So finally, after many dry months, after so much darkness, after so many valleys, I can see the joy and hope that I can have in where I am. Does this mean that I am no longer sad about my children? No. Nor does it mean that the desire for children is quenched. All this means, is that I can now see hope and joy where there was none before. This means that I don't have to be so hard on myself, because my Father isn't looking at me with disapproval, He is looking at me with understanding and sadness. He gets it.

“For a brief moment I abandoned you,
but with deep compassion I will bring you back

In a surge of anger,
I hid my face from you for a moment,
but with everlasting kindness
I will have compassion on you,”
says the Lord your Redeemer.
(Isaiah 54:7-8)