Friday, October 25, 2013

He is Just

This past month, my mind has been imposed upon by so many thoughts. Thoughts from the enemy, thoughts from man, and thoughts from the Lord.

For a few more days, it will still be Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. I did some research on how it came to be and it astounded me. Did you know that Ronald Reagan was the man to proclaim this month as such?

October 25, 1988
 By the President of the United States of America: A Proclamation

      "Each year, approximately a million pregnancies in the United States end in miscarriage, stillbirth, or the death of the newborn child. National observance of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, 1988, offers us the opportunity to increase our understanding of the great tragedy involved in the deaths of unborn and newborn babies. It also enables us to consider how, as individuals and communities, we can meet the needs of bereaved parents and family members and work to prevent causes of these problems.
       Health care professionals recognize that trends of recent years, such as smaller family size and the postponement of childbearing, adds another dimension of poignance to the grief of parents who have lost infants. More than 700 local, national, and international support groups are supplying programs and strategies designed to help parents cope with their loss. Parents who have suffered their own losses, health care professionals, and specially trained hospital staff members are helping newly bereaved parents deal constructively with loss.
       Compassionate Americans are also assisting women who suffer bereavement, guilt, and emotional and physical trauma that accompany post-abortion syndrome. We can and must do a much better job of encouraging adoption as an alternative to abortion; of helping the single parents who wish to raise their babies; and of offering friendship and temporal support to the courageous women and girls who give their children the gifts of life and loving adoptive parents. We can be truly grateful for the devotion and concern provided by all of these citizens, and we should offer them our cooperation and support as well.
       The Congress, by Senate Joint Resolution 314, has designated the month of October 1988 as ``Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month'' and authorized and requested the President to issue a proclamation in observance of this month.
      Now, Therefore, I, Ronald Reagan, President of the United States of America, do hereby proclaim the month of October 1988 as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I call upon the people of the United Statesto observe this month with appropriate programs, ceremonies, and activities.
      In Witness Whereof, I have hereunto set my hand this twenty-fifth day of October, in the year of our Lord nineteen hundred and eighty-eight, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirteenth."
                                                              Ronald Reagan

I know that was long, and I apologize that I will even continue to write out my thoughts even more. I just was unsure that you would read that if I just posted a link to it and realize how much more respect he deserves...he got more from me! I digress. 

Something that I consistently struggle with is criticism. I am critical of others, of my husband, and of myself--hugely myself. This does not excuse the behavior.

I remember being critical of people that would let miscarriages ruin their marriage. I see myself being critical of those who have't had loss. I have been super critical of ones who never try to come alongside Sim and I to encourage us. unfortunately, the time I have been most critical of everyone, has been this month. 

I have felt like shouting at people, out of frustration, "Sharing this photo on Facebook (on your timeline and to no one in particular), and not trying to actually connect with the so called friends you know that have gone through this does not make you great! It doesn't make you  remember, it doesn't make you kind! It doesn't make you important for all to see, it doesn't make your friends that have experienced this loss feel loved on this day, in this month. This picture does nothing but show that you are pretending!" Aren't I just horrible? Although these frustrations stem from true emotions, and realization that the human race is just plain selfish, it still doesn't make it right. Do you want to know the worse best thing about being put through this hurt? You see how much others fail at what you would like and realize that you, yourself are no better. It kills. Your emotions are justified, they are fair, they make sense, but you are still being forced to mature, to change, to become more like Christ and less like others. It's so hard....not that many others would care to know. See, I am so selfish and mad, because others are selfish...if that isn't rough, I don't know what is.

What am I trying to say with this post? Essentially that our Father is Just. Who cares if someone doesn't ask me how I am doing? Who cares if they don't realize how ignorance hurts? Who cares, because ultimately, they will have Christ to answer to, just like I do. I will be held accountable for who I could have been helping when I wanted to be helped. I will be held accountable for my fleshly selfishness, I will be held accountable for my actions for not encouraging, for not loving, and for not meeting others the way Christ meets us.

I have also been thinking about how Christ is Just in pointing our our own lackluster areas. I remember, there was this one couple with a family, and they were separated. Through the grapevine, I heard that it was primarily because of a miscarriage. Of course this was when I went through the first one of ours (which I didn't even know I was pregnant for, until after the fact), and I thought how stupid and immature it was that this couple, older, and married longer, would just throw it away.  I was the walking epitome of 1 Corinthians 13:11, "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me."  Looking back, I am appalled by my behaviors and judgement I had. Sadly, it isn't because I have just realized it, but because through these trials, there have been many temptations for divorce. I have seen and experienced first hand how easy it is to want a divorce because it feels like your spouse doesn't have the same emotional hurt that is life-altering and paralyzing at the same time. You feel so alone, and he doesn't get it, doesn't understand. He doesn't see the loneliness, he just sees the anger and he starts to despise you for it. You start resenting that he just doesn't understand--that you are daily, constantly in a whirlwind of pain, that every little thing is a reminder. I ache inside that I so quickly criticized, knowing next to nothing. On top of that, it was essentially gossip from where I got my information from. I judged and I regret. I walked in their shoes for a little bit--if those were even the shoes. I judged, and now, I bet, others are judging me--for how I react, what I write, what I say, my overbearing desire to let others know what this path is like to help help me. 

God is the only one who is simultaneously just and loving. Most humans tend to lean one way or the other, never fully exhibiting those two traits of our Father in perfect synchronization. These days, I realize that when I criticizing others, I am ultimately, making it harder and harder for Christ's ultimate completion in my heart. I must always remember, that being righteous will always be more important than being right. 

"For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." 

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