Friday, May 19, 2017

Mother's Day

Facebook is my nemesis on holidays--namely Mother's Day. While others are praising their own mothers for all the loving and beneficial things they can remember the woman who gave them life, doing for them, I am left searching, trying, to find good memories of my own mom. Trying to work up the gracious courage to call and wish her a Happy Mother's Day because it is something important to her that blesses her.

While husbands are praising their wives, publically, for all the things their beloved does for their family, I have a husband who seemingly forgets that I exist---especially on Mother's Day. (This is not to say that my husband is a bad man, nor doesn't do anything, but he simply just doesn't think that way and I am still struggling with living with the fact that he does. Not wrong, just different. Hurtful different, but different.)

It used to be that Facebook was my eternal nemesis on Mother's Day because it mocked me. All the women who gave birth or adopted other children into their families were praised, and I was alone. Barren. 

Now, I am alone. Prolific. 

It's a deep hurt. One that goes so far below the surface that I am not sure how to handle it. I am foolish enough to continue to allow it to mock me. I look at it, and rather than feeling...encouraged by all those who have (and continue) to go before me, I feel alone. Worthless. Wholly inadequate. It affects me no matter how many layers of masks I put on. Any small mistake, any small upset, becomes monumental. Mole hills become mountains. 

I wish I could rest in what the Bible says about me. I wish I could fully believe and grasp and be affected by what God thinks of me. But years of lies spring to my mind on Mother's Day (even more so than regular days). Years of blame, come to rest on my shoulders. Years of "you're unloveable", "we didn't want you", "it's your fault we don't have the finances", and being called every cuss word under the sun repeatedly ring in my ears, repeatedly, on Mother's Day. 

This is an extremely "woe is me post" and I recognize that, I truly do. I want to enlighten you to the fact, that on Mother's Day, not everyone has a great Mother's Day. To be honest, not being celebrated by my husband makes me feel like a failure. Satan has a great stronghold on me for this holiday, and I hate it, loathe it, despise it--right now, both the particular chink in my armor and the day itself.

Next Mother's Day, as you are being celebrated and loved, or are loving, please extend some of that love to someone who may not have it. To someone who you might know doesn't have a great relationship with their parents. To a woman who might not have a super emotionally engaged husband, because you never know that your words of encouragement might be just what they need. And if you can't find or think of anyone else you know, I will greedily take any encouragement you might have to offer, because Lord knows, I could use it. 

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