Accepting.

Today, I have sat here and puttered around a bit while Grandma Audrey took the kiddos to Rachel's house and Rachel came here to clean, grocery shop, and pick up lunch. All while Kimberly came and dropped off supper for us.
With the onslaught of kindness, love, serving, and food being brought upon me (and my little family), it's been considerably hard to ask for help, but even harder to ACCEPT the help.

I've come to realize there is a big difference between accepting help and TRULY ACCEPTING HELP. I feel that truly accepting help means laying your pride and guilt at the door. TRULY accepting help is simply being thankful, knowing that there are zero expectations or strings attached to the offers of love. I have had a hard time feeling like I should be puking every moment of someone being here. Or that I should feel worse asking someone to wipe a fridge, when I am standing there showing them the rags and fridge. Nausea is a constant companion, as is exhaustion, but it doesn't feel like enough of a reason to be asking for help. God has been really working on my heart during this pregnancy. I didn't think another baby would be His vessel to deal with my pride and guilt (usually those two working in tandem), but it is--and there will probably be another vessel another time to deal with them again. See, I think...I think that accepting help isn't because you deserve it--either with how horrible you feel or don't feel. Accepting help is God asking you to be a Mary. Many of us know the Bible story, the one so many Bible studies are based on, "Being a Mary in a Martha World", that sort of thing. For those of you that don't here's a recap. Mary and Martha were sisters, close friends of Jesus, who were preparing for His arrival. Martha kept working while Mary just went to sit with her Friend and Savior. Martha was unhappy doing everything herself and was essentially upset at Mary. Jesus gently rebuked Martha, telling her that only ONE thing was TRULY needed, and that Mary had chosen the better choice. I think, on some levels, we are all "Martha's" and feel like we NEED to be "Mary's". Someday, I desperately want to know how Mary and Martha truly were. I don't see Mary as being uncaring and unhelpful, but rather, beautifully distracted by the inane and constant responsibilities of this world, to bask in the restfulness and peace that her Friend offered. In just the same manner, I don't see Martha as a task master, nor necessarily as someone who wanted everything done just right, but rather, something done to perfection for HER Friend as well. I have often thought of Martha and Mary and who they truly were. I think both trying to please their friend, the best way they knew how. Which leads me back to this current aspect of my life. I've taken on the role of doing everything, getting everything ready, and what not, simply because I have to, and even, on some level WANT to. I love providing meals and cleanliness for our home for our family. I may not like doing it, but I love the end result. I love doing my best for my family. I think, I have been too caught up in it for so long now. I think that God has been trying to lay on my heart to ask and accept help because HE has me and my family provided for. More importantly, He has HIS family provided for. For so long, I felt like a Martha, working behind the scenes, offering my best, while trying to not hold onto any grumbling. And all the while, He has been trying to teach me to be a Mary. There is a season to be a Martha, and there is a season to be a Mary. We can offer our best, and still need to remember what is most important. So, here's to choosing to be a Mary right now--or at least who I envision her to truly be. I think of Mary at just being so amazed and restful in Jesus's presence, that all else faded away. Not because she was unaware of anything to do, not because she was immature and didn't want to help, and not because she was shirking responsibilities, but because everything else had grown strangely dim when she entered His presence. There will be a time to be a Martha, and to choose to give my best behind the scenes, and to do menial tasks, making sure everything is taken care of for people who are here. But for now, I have got to learn to be a Mary and just sit at my Lord's feet and trust Him that everything will be taken care of. And maybe, just maybe, in this season of sickness and busyness, God's wanting me to come sit by Him, and maybe, just maybe, He wants my company too...