You see friends, I have been in the barren wasteland of motherhood. Not nearly as long as others, but also much longer than I ever thought would be. I have 3 babies whom I will not know what they look like until I reach the wonderful presence of my Savior in Heaven. 3 babies that sit on the Utmost's lap, instead of my own. Those days, weeks, months, and even years were debilitating for me. Heart-wrenching. The amount of yearning and longing cannot be put into words, nor put into some sense of measurement. Bitterness, anger, frustration, faithlessness, and hopelessness lay in wait of every day for me. By the grace of God, before we had our first child, many of those were dealt with, some were not.
Fast forward to now. I have a 3 year old, 2 year old, 1 year old, and another baby on the way. That's right. Our family will have upgraded from 3 under 3, to 4, 4 and under. I sit many days and reflect over the last few years. Not only the blessings wrought from each baby, but also...the hardships.
Fast forward to now. I have a 3 year old, 2 year old, 1 year old, and another baby on the way. That's right. Our family will have upgraded from 3 under 3, to 4, 4 and under. I sit many days and reflect over the last few years. Not only the blessings wrought from each baby, but also...the hardships.
When our first (Addie) was born, we were ecstatic. She was really quite a hard baby for the first few months, and although feelings of frustration and even anger came to the surface often, they were held in check by the 3 miscarriages and 2 years of infertility prior to her. For she was HERE, in MY arms, every crying and screaming fit seemed mostly dull in comparison and I was THANKFUL, ever so thankful for her.
Five months after she was born, I remember finding out that I was pregnant again! I was...shocked? Happy? Scared? Honestly, I was mostly just bewildered. The day before we found out, my husband said "You know, we could have another one and I'd be fine." The day we DID find out his response was, "Okay, when I said we could have another one, I didn't mean right NOW!". It was kind of funny, but after Addie, we had opted to not do anything contraception wise because of how difficult it was to have her here, in our arms. So, we knew this was a possibility, but we were also surprised. Clara was born late December, and we were so happy and relieved to have another baby here, safe and sound. Sadly, I did nothing to prepare us as a family (outside of making meals) for having 2 under 2 (Addie was just over a year old), and realistically, other than simply teaching Addie to wait for things for me to help her with, there wasn't much I could have done. Recovery with Clara was hard. Looking back, I did have a mild case of postpartum depression. I wasn't happy she was here. Some days I looked at her and didn't want her here. The amount of heartbreak and guilt at that admission was staggering. I tried to do normal stuff, be normal, but there was a chunk of my emotions that were so off, coupled with adrenal fatigue that left me...weary. She was admitted to the hospital when she was just over ten weeks old for RSV and truly, that experience was harrowing. RSV is extremely treatable, but having my young daughter be in there for over 5 days made me really come face to face with what was happening to me. Many long hours were spent praying and trying to regain the same love I had when Addie was born. Thankfully, shortly thereafter, it was restored. I even found a size up of Clara's coming home outfit as kind of a second chance for me and her.
Three weeks after the RSV hospital stay with Clara, we found out we were pregnant AGAIN! I will be honest. Staring at the test, the first thought that went through my mind was an unsavory phrase. I was kind of in shock and denial for a few days (maybe weeks, I can't really remember). I didn't quite know what to do other than to pray ridiculously hard against the battle of post partum depression when this baby came. Other than making our kids wait, and do the normal baby prep things, I didn't do much. Being in baby mode for 3 years didn't really require much work on this end. By the time Ezekiel came into our arms, it was a HUGE relief (a 9 pound, 9 oz baby delivered without an epidural will do that to do, trust me). Recovery was easy. I was happy he was here. Sure things were busy and scary and overwhelming, but there was not an OUNCE of resentment. Ezekiel's pregnancy and birth were difficult on my body, and my husband and I were really hoping to not have any more biological kids, and to adopt instead.
We started the adoption process, a few months ago, only to find out that we were pregnant again. I cried. I honestly did. I didn't WANT to be pregnant again. I wanted another baby, but not this way. The first weeks of this pregnancy have been difficult to muddle through. Not only realizing how fickle I am, but also how my definition of "trust" had to be redefined and brought alongside with what God's word says it is as well. Spiritually, it was difficult for me because I didn't think that God would ask this of me again--but He did. It was difficult to wrap my head around being pregnant again. I was just getting to the point of being at the health and size I wanted to be. I finally felt that I had my thyroid diet under control. This was going to be the year I did stuff with my kids for FUN. It seemed in a moment, every one of those selfish thoughts were asked to be given into the palms of His hands. On top of all the physical ailments, fears of how my thyroid would affect this baby, emotional guilt, this has been very hard.
You see friends, I have been through the barren wasteland of motherhood, but I have also been through the abundant harvest of motherhood. Neither one is without their own challenges, their own aches, their own frustrations, or their own longings. Both aspects of the vastly different sides are equally challenging in wildly different aspects. I would never brag about how easy it has been to have kids after our bout of death and infertility. Nor would I tell a mom who has so many kids that it's better than having none. Like many things in life, there is a delicate balance.
You see, while I have been in what my husband and I call "The Baby Season", I have had some pretty...hard thoughts. A constant companion of mine has been guilt. When it was in the barren season, guilt over being bitter and angry consumed me. During the 3 under 3 years, it was guilt over those who wanted children and couldn't. I felt so undeserving--especially since many of my thoughts were not in line with children being a gift. Now, guilt is my companion with not being able to do what a mom and a wife should do. Guilt follows me when I lay down and when someone brings us lunch, supper, runs errands, or cleans my home for me. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.
I want to encourage you moms--whatever season you are in. The ONLY thing I have learned, is that the only thing we can do is CLING to God--and I do mean CLING. Grasp for Him. Hold onto Him. He can take the heartache and pain and create from it beauty and life. He can take the resentment and bitterness and make it into thankfulness and peace. he can take the depression and make it joyful. He can take the overwhelmed and exhaustion, and make it restful. He can even take the guilt and make it blissful innocence. Whatever your shackles, whatever your binds, cling to God in them and He can create so much more than you could ever imagine.
I still struggle. I still fail. And like I said, guilt is my constant companion. I feel unworthy of people loving us and providing for us. Please don't feel like this. There is a beautiful network integrated into the body of Christ, people hearing God's call and helping whenever or wherever they can. Tap into it, for whatever your needs are, big or small. I have seen God just love on us through people and I am nothing short of humbled, completely and overwhelmingly humbled. So peace, mama, peace. He's got you whether you are in the barren wasteland of miscarriages and infertility, and He has what you need in what might seem to be the never-ending harvest of motherhood. Lay down your pride, trust Him and watch yourself be humbled and amazed at how He takes care of you.
Three weeks after the RSV hospital stay with Clara, we found out we were pregnant AGAIN! I will be honest. Staring at the test, the first thought that went through my mind was an unsavory phrase. I was kind of in shock and denial for a few days (maybe weeks, I can't really remember). I didn't quite know what to do other than to pray ridiculously hard against the battle of post partum depression when this baby came. Other than making our kids wait, and do the normal baby prep things, I didn't do much. Being in baby mode for 3 years didn't really require much work on this end. By the time Ezekiel came into our arms, it was a HUGE relief (a 9 pound, 9 oz baby delivered without an epidural will do that to do, trust me). Recovery was easy. I was happy he was here. Sure things were busy and scary and overwhelming, but there was not an OUNCE of resentment. Ezekiel's pregnancy and birth were difficult on my body, and my husband and I were really hoping to not have any more biological kids, and to adopt instead.
We started the adoption process, a few months ago, only to find out that we were pregnant again. I cried. I honestly did. I didn't WANT to be pregnant again. I wanted another baby, but not this way. The first weeks of this pregnancy have been difficult to muddle through. Not only realizing how fickle I am, but also how my definition of "trust" had to be redefined and brought alongside with what God's word says it is as well. Spiritually, it was difficult for me because I didn't think that God would ask this of me again--but He did. It was difficult to wrap my head around being pregnant again. I was just getting to the point of being at the health and size I wanted to be. I finally felt that I had my thyroid diet under control. This was going to be the year I did stuff with my kids for FUN. It seemed in a moment, every one of those selfish thoughts were asked to be given into the palms of His hands. On top of all the physical ailments, fears of how my thyroid would affect this baby, emotional guilt, this has been very hard.
You see friends, I have been through the barren wasteland of motherhood, but I have also been through the abundant harvest of motherhood. Neither one is without their own challenges, their own aches, their own frustrations, or their own longings. Both aspects of the vastly different sides are equally challenging in wildly different aspects. I would never brag about how easy it has been to have kids after our bout of death and infertility. Nor would I tell a mom who has so many kids that it's better than having none. Like many things in life, there is a delicate balance.
You see, while I have been in what my husband and I call "The Baby Season", I have had some pretty...hard thoughts. A constant companion of mine has been guilt. When it was in the barren season, guilt over being bitter and angry consumed me. During the 3 under 3 years, it was guilt over those who wanted children and couldn't. I felt so undeserving--especially since many of my thoughts were not in line with children being a gift. Now, guilt is my companion with not being able to do what a mom and a wife should do. Guilt follows me when I lay down and when someone brings us lunch, supper, runs errands, or cleans my home for me. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.
I want to encourage you moms--whatever season you are in. The ONLY thing I have learned, is that the only thing we can do is CLING to God--and I do mean CLING. Grasp for Him. Hold onto Him. He can take the heartache and pain and create from it beauty and life. He can take the resentment and bitterness and make it into thankfulness and peace. he can take the depression and make it joyful. He can take the overwhelmed and exhaustion, and make it restful. He can even take the guilt and make it blissful innocence. Whatever your shackles, whatever your binds, cling to God in them and He can create so much more than you could ever imagine.
I still struggle. I still fail. And like I said, guilt is my constant companion. I feel unworthy of people loving us and providing for us. Please don't feel like this. There is a beautiful network integrated into the body of Christ, people hearing God's call and helping whenever or wherever they can. Tap into it, for whatever your needs are, big or small. I have seen God just love on us through people and I am nothing short of humbled, completely and overwhelmingly humbled. So peace, mama, peace. He's got you whether you are in the barren wasteland of miscarriages and infertility, and He has what you need in what might seem to be the never-ending harvest of motherhood. Lay down your pride, trust Him and watch yourself be humbled and amazed at how He takes care of you.
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