So on my way home from the farm today, I decided to start listening to the Bible. Luckily, if you have a smart phone and the "You Version" Bible app, you can do it for free, as long as you have either 3G or WiFi connection. Simeon and I have been reading as we listen along...it demands more focus and leaves little room for our minds to wander.
Now before I tell you what I have thought about today, I want to explain something. As our wonderful counselors urged us, we are starting at the beginning of the Bible instead of focusing on certain areas that might "help" us more. She explained starting at the beginning would create a stronger foundation, because seeing God from the start, instead of a snippet here and a snippet there, lays brick by brick, strength by strength, promise by promise. By doing something from "here and there" we are laying a foundation of sand. This made total sense to Simeon and me.
Right now, we are on Genesis 16-17. To be honest, I have been dreading these chapters because they are about the promise of a child to Abram and Sarai (at the moment, these are their names). But honestly, they weren't too bad. Emotional? Yes. Terrible? No.
The first thing I noticed about the story of Abram, relating to children, was that he seemed to really want an heir. I am sure that he wanted a child as well, but it almost looked as if he were more worried about giving his possessions to a slave of his. (Genesis 15:2) Now, that doesn't seem like such a big deal, but as I kept listening, I realized that God's promise to Abram, was a promise that seemingly addressed his fear of never having an heir, not necessarily just about having his child, but about having many descendants. (Genesis 15:4-5) Abraham believed him (vs. 6). Now an interesting twist, was that the Lord then told him about the land of the Chaldeans that he would gain possession of. Interestingly enough, that was the thing Abram questioned God about (vs. 8-15) Not about having an heir, but about gaining a land. Both equally difficult promises to believe, but Abram chose to believe God about the baby instead of the land. Maybe I am in a really difficult place, or maybe I don't quite understand the expansive kingdom of the Chaldeans, but Abram had a wealth of men, and he could call Lot to his aid at anytime. To me, the promise of the land seemed to be easier to take in, than the promise of a child, which he could not control at all. And really, God promised him descendants to outnumber the stars. Say whoa.
Okay, the next thing I was thinking about was God had changed both Abram's and Sarai's (after promising Abraham "by this time next year" and Sarai overhearing and laughing) names. There are also other instances of human's being renamed in the Bible. Some by themselves and some by God. It makes me wonder what God calls me when He thinks of me. Does He call me "Mara" for bitter? Or does He call me something else when He sees what He has for me? Does He change what He calls me?
Now the last thing I have been thinking about. Maybe I am crazy, but I don't think every promise in the Bible is directed toward me. I am not going to win land like Abram. Honestly, maybe God's promises for me have nothing to do with being pregnant, but rather, adoption. I don't know. I firmly believe that there are promises in the Bible that are for everyone. God promised never to destroy the earth by flood again, and He hasn't. But honestly, I might not be a Hannah, or a Sarah. I might just be Kristen. God might have His very own promises for me, separate of women and men of the Bible. I am leery to say all of this because it is wide open for criticism and debate.
Which brings me to the very next thing that can be widely judged that Simeon and I have recently come to a decision about. With the help of the story of Abraham and Sarah, we have decided to forgo any testing of what can be causing this, or going wrong. Yes, the Bible is ancient, and honestly, this is a harder road of the two, but we both feel at complete peace with this decision. Sarai took matters into her own hands and gave her husband her slave. As many believers know, we know what became of Ishmael's descendants. Not to mention, her slave ran away because there was a mutual bitterness and level of dislike between them. I was thinking about how Sarai must have felt. Years of being with her husband, and after a short while, this woman, her slave, was able to conceive and carry full-term, while Sarai was not. How could Sarai not shoulder the blame of being barren? How quickly her heart must have sank with the realization that she was the cause, not her husband? How difficult for Abram to have to understand her, and be the man that she needed him to be, when she had given him her slave...when he had a duty to that woman and his unborn child. My heart breaks for some of the realization that dawned on me today. Back to the point, I firmly believe that much heartbreak and hurt could have been avoided if Sarai had just trusted God, and if Abram and trusted and led Sarai in the correct decision.
We still believe our God is the Lord of miracles. Many can make the argument that God gave us doctors, when I don't know about that. God gave doctors, because of the curse, which He has full and overwhelming control over. This doesn't mean that I won't go to a doctor, but it does mean that I am not going to go everywhere, trying to find an answer, when I believe my answer is in God. My trust is in Him. My hope is in Him--not humans. I may never be able to carry full term. I may be able to, GOD is the only one that knows. To be truthful, another reason is because Simeon and I are not opposed to adoption. It makes no sense to us to spend money on something that could or could not be the answer to our miscarriages, that may or may not be able to be fixed. That money, could be saved, and put towards adoption, or even helping some one else adopt. Bluntly, we feel researching is not only forcing God's hand and putting our trust in humans, but also being selfish. The only thing I ask is that you not think we are crazy, or pass judgement upon us. Please don't criticize or gossip with others. Pray that if we are wrong, God will not let us be, and if we are right, that He affirms it. The decision on our future is not even our's to pass but ultimately, God's. We feel we are meeting Him right where He wants us.
Also, we are starting to research adoption in earnest. We are not starting the process. This is not the time to start the process, we need to deal with our miscarriages and grief. When we feel we are where God wants us to be, we will stop hindering pregnancy, and/or start the process of adoption, whichever way we feel the Lord is leading us to.
As I have been saying in previous posts, not everyday is bad. But because I usually write once a week or so, everything accumulates and the feelings overwhelm what Simeon and I have learned along the way. I pray that everyone understands I know that my feelings aren't truth--they're just feelings. But to be honest, typing away on this helps me. It helps me weed through thoughts, let others know what I am feeling, and honestly, just connect to the best of my personal ability right now. I do not want others to walk on eggshells around me. I do want them to be mindful of where I am at, but I want them to be able to experience their joy as well. Truthfully, it just can't be around me right now. Some of my favorite moments through all this pain, is when someone talks to us to understand where we are at. Just being understanding. Nothing more. Just letting us talk to them, and letting us be understood. The feeling of validation is nice to feel. Knowing that we are more than "that couple that keeps miscarrying", to feel better than a plague. Okay, that's it. I am done.