I haven't written in so long. It's been hard because I have so many thoughts on what I have been reading lately. Since I have all of those thoughts written in a journal, I will just write what I feel I should tonight. There is no great teaching, no "Ah-ha!" moment, just me, being me. Simple. Me.
Satan has been trying to seek and destroy us so much more than he has in the beginning or in the past. The great part is that we recognize it, see it for what it is, and don't put much stock in it. The bad part? It's exhausting, it's hard, and a lot of times, it is emotional.
Awhile ago on a Sunday, a lady at church came up to Simeon and me (keep in mind the only thing I know about her is her 'sometimes' Wednesday night drink order) and told us 3 things that she felt God kept laying on her heart to tell us, and she finally bit the bullet.
One, that I was another Sarah. To be honest, my heart dropped when she told me I was another Sarah. How long will I have to wait for God to let and trust me to have a child? What am I doing wrong? This is what God wanted to tell me a day after my sister-in-law had a son....that I had to wait? That I was a Sarah?! Then I remembered what Sarah's name meant. Sarai meant "my princess", and Sarah means "princess". God changed Sarai's name to Sarah when He had promised an heir, and son to Abraham. This means that I have been given a promise from Him as well!!! Even further, God values me. No matter what. No matter how many times I fail, no matter how often Satan holds me captive. As His princess, God is always willing to pay the ransom...even after He sacrificed His son. So those thoughts, which Satan initially twisted and tried to bring me even further down with, were changed. I still cry, I still hurt, but I know that I have hope to have a child beyond the shadow of a doubt. To be clear, it doesn't make the waiting any easier.
Two, that Simeon was a man after God's own heart. This filled me with pride. Knowing that my husband is a man after God's own heart. I knew it, I always have, but to hear God say it back so clearly brought a whole new perspective to my eyes and heart. If that is what Simeon is, then why do I fight with him? Why do I not trust his spirit (even though it is always right)? Why do I trample all over him with my woman ways, discount what he says, tell my opinion to him loudly or long (whichever the attitude it set for), and not let him be the spiritual leader? I claim I want that from him, but I always take the steering wheel back before he gets 2 hands on it and claim that he isn't doing it right. It is interesting, because I think King David was the only man in the Bible called "...a man after my [God's] own heart..". I am my husband's Bathsheba. I may not be causing him to sexually sin, but I am causing him to not be what God has called him up to be. The last two weeks, since I have been told this, I have made a monumental effort in taking a back seat, being silent when I need to be, and only reminding we need to read if Simeon forgets. As the woman of the household, I have to let him call how things are run, what we do, and how we react to God's calling. If he is wrong, then it is on him. Women were not called to be the head. We are a completely different supporting, important role in and of itself. Something else that I thought about was that he never remembers what I say. We sometimes joke about what his name means. Simeon means "to hear". Then I was thinking awhile ago, it isn't to hear me. He has such a sensitivity to the Holy Spirit, that he hears Him. Not my complaining, not my opinions....just the Holy Spirit. That is the gift I am thankful for. When I rarely have insights into the Word, He hears what the Holy Spirit is trying to say, to make us grasp and understand.
Three, to not worry, He's got it taken care of. This has puzzled me for days, but it is kind of nice. I worry. I cry. I wonder. When I am laying in bed at night, wide awake because I woke up, or couldn't sleep, I have gotten into the habit of praying. Then, when I realize I am exhausted, it's almost as if I hear, "Stop. Rest. I've got this. Trust." I relax. I may not fall back asleep, but I relax, I rest in His presence. It's kind of amazing. The beauty of this statement, is that it works for EVERYTHING!
You may think that I am putting too much stock in words, but they weren't sinful, wrong, or even stumbling words. I believe God was shouting at us (as a dear woman told me). Just telling us to sit back, look at the roles He has us in, the roles He is calling us out of, and just trust that He has it taken care of.
This doesn't mean everything is hunky dory. Simeon and I have been extremely alone for awhile. I can't help personally (this doesn't extend to him) feeling like I have a "Micarriage Plague" and because life might be hard for me, no one wants to hang out with me, unless it is for a reason that benefits them. I have had to come to terms that God wants Him to be our focus, I guess. But life sure is hard to live alone. I don't want to harp on any one. Or make any of you few that read this think I am talking directly to you...because you know what? It doesn't matter. It really doesn't. My friends are not what this life is about. I am not angry or bitter...just resigned. It's sad, but ultimately, God will bring who we need into our life, and let us be needed by them in an equal measure. Not all taking, but only freely giving on each side. I suppose that is just one more thing that I need to be patient about....