I am sitting here tonight, saddened. Not pitiful, not woe is me, just sad. Simply sad that Simeon and I never got to meet our little Hezekiah. We thought she was a girl, and if the child was a girl, I would have called her Kiah. We were never going to name this little one Hezekiah, but with all of our children in the heavenly realms, we have searched for names that create meaning. Our first one, who we thought was a girl, is Micah/Myka, which means "who is like God". We felt she was exactly like God. Not yet exposed to sin, innocent, and created in His image. Nathaniel was the second child we lost, we felt he was a boy, so we named him with the meaning "Gift from God", because he was a gift...sadly one we had to return into the hands of our loving heavenly father, but a gift nevertheless.
Which brings us to Hezekiah/Hezzie/Kiah, which means "God is my Strength". Not to keep riding the miscarriage train or anything, but if you have never been through one, two, or even three, you don't realize how desperate you are for our Lord. He is the only strength I have to not despise others for having children whilst Simeon and I are barren. He is the only strength I have to not hate those children. He is the only strength I have. Period. Those sound like awful, terrible, words, and they are--but they are what someone faces.
I am sad that my sister-in-law and her husband got to meet their little one, and can be joyous. It's so difficult to not feel in a competition, to not feel inferior, to not feel like Simeon and I are the lesser of the married spouses since theirs was a pure courtship, a grounded and faithful marriage, a financialy stable relationship. In comparison, I have baggage Simeon has the pleasure of dealing with, we haven't always been financially stable, our faith has been rocked like a tiny raft on tsunami waves, and our relationship was way less than pure. Granted, everyone has loved us still, but I feel like whenever we do something, there is a question of doubt. My opinions pale in comparison. We cannot yet give Keith and Audrey grandchildren, so of course the first grandchild comes from the more perfect couple. There is nothing for me to show, and yet God continually keeps testing us...teaching us...breaking us.
I am sad that my dear friend has had 2 children, one of whom was a week apart from me. It is so hard to continually be happy for others while God is denying you one of the deepest desires of your hearts. All the while when it seems as if everyone around you is having the blessing and joy of becoming parents...and having no difficulty. There is a piece of my heart and even soul that breaks every time someone else gets to have the joy of becoming a "mama", while I cannot. While I mourn 3 children I never even got to meet once, where I only saw life forming, once.
To be sure, I am not angry, or bitter. I wish nothing for the best for these children that God has blessed with earthly life, and I know they are in completely faithful hands. But my heart yearns. My heart cries, "What about us? Have you forgotten us? When, God, when?" I have never been put in the position where I have ever yearned for heaven, until now. There is a deep desire that is hardly even able to put into words, where my soul longs to be rejoined with God, and my children. Where my very being feels dim in comparison to the hope of heaven. I am not suicidal. I am not hopeless, I just see where the happiness lies and it is not here, not for me, not for Simeon...yet. We see hope, we desperately crave hope like its's the very air we breathe. How do I say, "not my will, but Yours" when my desire is one He has placed within me. How do I surrender a dream that most everyone else has never had to surrender? Why did he chose me to be another Sarah, when I am so weak, so undeserving, and so doubtful?
Hezekiah, could not have been more appropriately named. God is my strength to not grow angry or bitter at these parents and children. God is my strength to keep Satan at bay. God is my force to weaken the enemy's attacks. God is my refuge to run and hide in because I cannot face this alone. God is my hope, because He is even more eternal than being a mother. God is the Love I rest on, because if it were up to my flesh, I would hate these people and children. God is my Father, and my children's Father. God is my patience, because waiting is so hard. God is my Great Physician, because He can heal me spiritually, physically, and emotionally. God is my Creator, who not only created me, but knitted these children from my womb together and did not stop when their lives on earth stopped. God is my Peace, because even in the midst of chaos, He calms the storm in me. God is my Champion, who sends His warriors in continual combat for Simeon and me. God is my Abba, Daddy, who I can always run to.
God is Myka's strength. God is Nathaniel's strength. God is Hezekiah's strength. God is Simeon's strength.
God is my strength.